She didn't know she was the OW- really?

[PawsAndReflection]

I want to preface this with the fact that I absolutely do not condone the affair, and it has fundamentally changed our friendship to the point that I don't know if we can continue to be in each other's lives. That's not in question in the slightest.

A very close friend I has was in a relationship with a married man from 2017 to 2021, at which point she broke it off. He had been married for 10 years, with two children, and is very much the 'lad' type- obsessed with the gym, going out etc. My friend is 32 now (27 when they met) and he is 47.

As far as she's told me, and I appreciate she may not be 100% truthful about all aspects of this relationship, he had given the impression that him and his wife were separated when they met and she didn't find out the truth until 2020 at which point they took a 6 month break. They only resumed after his friends 'confirmed' he'd told his wife and they'd started with divorce proceedings.

They broke up because (among other things) he had gradually come more and more controlling, and she decided she wanted time on her own. She's since met a wonderful man who knows all
of this and hasn't spoken to MM (married man) since breaking it off.

Last weekend she discovered he was 1) still married and 2) his wife had no idea of the entire debacle. She found out because MM had been drunkenly texting her and she saw his profile picture on WhatsApp was a wedding shot.

I was with her at the time and told her just to block and delete but she took it upon herself to message his wife and tell her everything. Screenshots, photos, emails. The whole caboodle.

I can't decide if what she's done is right- I feel at my core that it is but there's a part of me that thinks she must have known! The wife has been in touch a lot asking for details, which my friend has provided.

I just don't know if she's better off cutting this whole situation off. And if I'm being an idiot for even believing this.

I can't understand why anyone would fall out with their friend before it gets to that stage you can just ask your friend not to share all those details.

Its possible your friend had no idea the same way the wife didn't (and they likely live together).

Your friend was the OW and she knew well. She had been with him for a few years. No way, she did not know. She wouldn't be interested to know where he lived ? They always hung out at her place ? He was unavailable on christmas lunch, new year's eve...etc.

She knows and I can understand completely that you are looking out for your brother.

She had plenty of time in the past to message the wife. That she is messaging now is triggered by her anger at him, she is still in love with him and angry that he chose his wife, and not her.

But the wife deserves to know what a cheat he is. As for your brother, it really is up to him if he wants a relationship with your friend. And since she is your friend, that you never knew who she was dating during that time, tells you she knew she was the OW.

What does this have to do with her relationship with your brother?

You weren't bothered until she got with your brother?

I'd say she's done the right thing telling the wife. And the fact she did so right away when she found out leans towards it being true that she didn't know.

I agree. Deep down she knew. YANBU I wouldn’t want her dating my brother either

I don't know how people can be so adamant the OW must have known but not the wife? If he can fool the person meant to be closest to him why not someone else? I don't know why you would doubt your friend.

Lots of mindreaders on here. Noone knows either way, but it is Entirely Plausible that she didn't know he was still married.

Even if she did know, why does it matter that she told the wife? It was the right thing to do.

Exactly

@PoseyFlump

You don't know she knew, but I agree it's. highly likely. However, what does that have to do with her being a 'real friend' or not?

Why?

whether she knew he was married or not, what does it have to do with dating someone new - brother or not?

Presumably because OP thinks she might cheat on him.

Whatever the reason, I'm sure she'll tell us twice.

So your brother is the man who's been cheating on his wife?
Or she's met somebody new who happens to be your brother?

She's bound to be upset after being lied to and cheated on and then BLAMED AND SHAMED BY HER FRIEND!!!

Because he would (presumably) have been with the wife at Christmas, his birthday, other key dates, but had to make excuses not to be with her. Probably couldn't spend the night often or go on holiday, had she ever met his family? If someone knowingly has an affair, they work around these things, but if she didn't know, surely she'd be suspicious??

but maybe she believed him when he said he'd told her & he and the 'friend' got back together, so she might have found out that he was still with his wife & be genuinely hurt/upset/angry.

I agree the wife needed to know for her own benefit, but probably not the way the friend angry told her & sent lots of very upsetting stuff the wife might have chosen not to read/see.

@ReneBumsWombats
But the friend wasn't the one cheating - the bloke was, so the equivalent would be the brother already being married, not her cheating on him.

I know. I'm just making an assumption about OP's motives. She's posted this twice, including the late revelation about new bloke being her brother.

If she's still messaging MM and has told his wife about their affair I think she may still be giving him too much headspace , which isn't good for her new relationship imo.

I can believe the ‘OW’ didn’t know at all. Men like that are like cornered rats, doing anything they can to protect themselves.

However, some on here have personal experience and it seems they need to demonise the other woman fully as it makes them feel better.

Not sure if the ‘big reveal’ was the right thing to do though. If I was the new partner I’d feel quite perturbed at the problematic previous relationship being forcibly brought into my life.

I think she didn't know. Hence the sudden reaction to finding out and impulsively telling his wife.

She may have been ignoring clues that in hindsight seem obvious, but her reaction to seeing his wedding picture in whatsapp strikes me as the reaction of someone who had been tricked

It's perfectly possible she believed his lies and thought he was separated. When you love someone and believe they love you too you aren't expecting them to lie and cheat on you, you trust them. The ex could be a narc and my god they are brilliant at lying, manipulating and gas lighting you so even if you suspect something you end up thinking it's you being paranoid.

I think she did the right thing in telling the wife, the wife has been unwittingly dragged into living a lie for years and is now able to make an informed choice about her future.

Sadly she may not have had a clue that he was still married, some people are very good in hiding it.
Entirely up to her if she wanted to tell his wife but seems plausible that she didn’t want to be the ow and was upset by this.
I think you should keep out of it really, seems like you want to distance yourself more from her since she’s dating your brother.

Whilst we are all speculating, which is all we can do, I find it a bit of a coincidence that MM happened to drunk text your friend after all of this time, just when she was with you.
I would be at least a little suspicious that there has been more contact. Maybe she reacted as she did because he wasn’t actually out of her life before. She clearly hadn’t blocked him from contacting her.

I've posted a number of times about a friend who's destroying her own life and received good responses but the overwhelming majority is keep your nose out, mind your own business you're no friend and, that wonderful tired phrase "you're over invested" usually alongside being asked to examine my own life and what's missing. (Answer: nothing, well maybe Chris Hemsworth) I see you've received some of the same. Same posters too in a couple of instances.

From your post - I've not read any others - I don't understand why you would blackball your friend. I don't see a problem with her telling the wife as he's harassing her. Sometimes people do that to force the guy into making a choice but it doesn't look like that as she's moved on.

I can't see how that relationship is an indication of how she'd behave towards your brother in the least.

Well that is a HUGE dripfeed considering you opened your thread with the opinion that you don't think you can stay in your 'friend's' life anymore.

How come it was ok to be her friend when she was having an affair for years, but you're only coming over all holier-than-thou now she's ended it?

If it's because you think she's not good enough for your brother - who you say knows all about the sorry backstory - then go right ahead & cut her off.
You'll probably lose your brother over it, but will have all the satisfaction of the moral high ground.

I think she did the right thing in telling the wife so that she could make her own decisions about the marriage.

I also fully believe that a married man could convincingly cover up.his true circumstances. Especially with 20 years more life experience (obv 27 yrs old isn't a kid but it is a lot younger than the man).

If the wife was still unaware then that shows he is an accomplished liar so why mightn't he have succeeded in convincing the OW too? Also his friends might well have been complicit. Some people don't give a shit.

She might of course not be telling the truth but i don't get the impression that's a given.

And if she did know.....?