Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An affair at work only

81 replies

deepathinka · 20/08/2022 17:57

Please don't think I'm being silly but can a man have an affair that is purely based in his working hours only? I'm suspicious but he never goes out without me . He's glued to his phone to the detriment of anything else , monosyllabic and I can't do a thing right .

OP posts:
KatieLatie · 20/08/2022 22:09

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MaydinEssex · 20/08/2022 22:27

Unfortunately it is easy to have an affair during working hours only, my ex hubby was a taxi driver and usually worked early morning until about 5.30pm at night, then gradually started 'working' later, I didn't think anything was wrong at first, but then his attitude towards me changed, he always used to be ready for dinner when he came home, suddenly he wasn't hungry and declined the offer of dinner, he seemed aloof and distant from me, but when asked denied anything was wrong, anyway within a period of maybe 6 to 7 weeks he had changed from being his usual normal self to moving out without telling me and shacking up with a woman, turns out that he had been having an affair with a passenger he picked up in his taxi, they didn't last long, he soon regretted it, but we are divorced now, I'm happily settled with my lovely partner of many years, so although it was a horrible thing to have done to me, there is a happy ending, trust your gut instinct, if something feels wrong, it usually is

been and done it. · 20/08/2022 22:59

An acquaintance has been having an affair with a married man who has two children for 8 years now. She WFH and he pops in a couple of times a week..they rarely go anywhere together.

Iflyaway · 20/08/2022 23:08

^deepathinka · Today 20:22
He's saying that I'm deliberately doing wrong things over and over and not listening. For example not wiping plates dry ( I do ) not putting things away in the order he wants .^

Jesus, he sounds grim understatement

Get the fuck away from this creep. You owe your happiness to yourself.

EmergencyHepNeeded · 20/08/2022 23:48

He sounds absolutely horrible. Please don't feel sorry for him and think he's bringing his work home when he is smirking at his phone and holding it away from you. He has detached from your relationship and is showing you contempt.

What's your work and financial situation like?

EmergencyHepNeeded · 20/08/2022 23:49

How long have you been together? Do you have children together?

CornishGem1975 · 20/08/2022 23:55

Yes, entirely possible.

Famousinlove · 21/08/2022 01:25

I worked with people who stayed later than everyone else and had sex in our manager's office before the cleaners came. She was cheated on a lot by her ex so her self esteem was on the floor and she took what she could get (which wasn't much tbh, but i suppose she spoke to him all day at work so he technically spent more time with her than his DP).

SarahDippity · 21/08/2022 01:31

Absolutely possible. There would be tell-take signs though. Smelling freshly showered. Not contactable during certain hours. For me a weird tell was doing all the laundry one day, and finding shirt and undies in the laundry basket 20 minutes after he came home (he’d changed into fresh spares on his date.)

MsDogLady · 21/08/2022 02:31

Deep, your H’s changed behavior does suggest that he is investing elsewhere.

Devaluing you is part of the Script. He is treating you with utter contempt to create distance, justify his wrongdoing, and make room for his OW. They will be conducting their affair before/during/after work, at lunchtime, and during secret time off.

Is it possible to investigate his phone and bank/card statements?

You’ve expressed your discomfort and he dismissed you with cruelty. (I hope no children are being exposed to this toxicity.) My advice is to inform him that you’ll no longer tolerate his contemptuous treatment, and will be visiting a solicitor to learn your options. I would also send him away while you process this and make decisions. If he won’t leave, I’d cease providing him domestic services.

Keep posting, Deep. Flowers

GuerlainHo · 21/08/2022 02:49

Of course they can. Most people that have affairs are doing it during the times you would least expect. That’s why it’s such a secret

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 21/08/2022 05:27

He's been taken over at work by another company who are stamping down on how stuff is done. This could be why he’s changed so suddenly, or part of the reason. Sudden unwelcome changes at work, and he may be worried about the future.

But honestly, I’m more concerned that he tells me to shut up / stop being stupid / listen to what your told and act on it.

He has no right to give you orders or talk to you like that. And his furtive behaviour with the phone is deeply suspicious. An affair sounds very likely.

I would tell him the two of you have to talk. Don’t keep putting up with this. I would also consult the Citizens’ Advice Bureau or other experts about your rights etc in case of divorce.

ThinkingForEveryone · 21/08/2022 09:10

OP, he may or may not be having an affair at work (yes, it is perfectly possible and I've seen it happen a few times. Always quiet unused spaces in most large buildings)
It concerns me though that you sound a little naive, a lot of women are perfectly capable of emotionless sex for example.
Also, you have seemingly focused yourself on the possibility of the affair rather than his behaviour right now, that is your biggest problem. Absolutely no man would be speaking to me like he speaks to you.
Affair or not get rid of the tosser.

Malad · 21/08/2022 09:41

I think most affairs are actually emotional ones nowadays so it may be that rather than a full blown having sex one. It may not even be someone from work either. Could have purposely gone looking for this on the internet.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/08/2022 10:01

He sounds vile.

No way would I put up with being spoken to so disrespectfully, who the fuck does he think he is?

Don't put up with this OP

Original poster
deepathinka · 21/08/2022 10:07

Thanks everyone . I'm getting the silent treatment now . I've tried to ask him in a calm manner to talk . I don't do sulking . He says he doesn't want to talk to me . He's also sleeping in the spare room.

OP posts:
InTheFridge · 21/08/2022 10:10

I'd leave if my DP spoke to me like that.

Original poster
deepathinka · 21/08/2022 10:12

deepathinka · 21/08/2022 10:07

Thanks everyone . I'm getting the silent treatment now . I've tried to ask him in a calm manner to talk . I don't do sulking . He says he doesn't want to talk to me . He's also sleeping in the spare room.

Forgot to add he was in a foul mood when he came in from work on Friday.. He went up to the spare room and stayed there for 24 hours . He said he wanted to be left alone . We had a petty argument the day before when he spoke over me . He behaving like a child . I'm leaving him to stew.

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 21/08/2022 11:14

This is checking out of the marriage/ re-writing the relationship at the very least. The reason could be OW or other stuff, without proof who knows. It smacks of secret keeping though, his stonewalling angry behaviour is manipulation to avoid talking to you and therefore answering any questions. Guilt, shame and fear of discovery are very uncomfortable emotions so these behaviours avoid blame, redirect fault, and a redefinition of you helps justify the shit behaviour so he avoids feeling so bad. My husband had an affair at work. Long commute, piece of cake to hide it. His OW wasn’t single but left her partner in the middle of it, she put up with the stringing along for months. It’s hard to get your head round why women would wait around and believe a proven liar in these circumstances, but the sunk costs fallacy plus desperation takes over and they want to get what they set out to get. So sorry you’re in this position, but you do need proof because whilst it sounds like OW, on Mumsnet it’s pretty much sometimes the first assumption and there could be other reasons. Whatever it is, his behaviour is inexcusable.

Original poster
deepathinka · 21/08/2022 13:40

I've said to him just now that if this carries on I want a divorce . His reply if that's what you really want then go ahead . I told him I'm staying put no matter what. I'm not being pushed out of my home by his silent treatment .

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 21/08/2022 18:11

If he’s not even shocked that you’ve mentioned divorce, then whatever this is, it’s gone a pretty long way for a while now and ‘checked out’ is an understatement. Question is why he’s checked out? Could be an OW, looks like there is, distancing, vilifying you, glued to tech, it does add up but as a caveat it might not be. Whatever it is he’s being a coward in refusing to face you and talk about whatever this is. Affairs are sometimes just cowardly things, not only wanting cake and eating it. It can be a way of avoiding dealing with their issues, too scared to rock the boat or upset the family. Affairs can be a crutch, like drugs or alcohol or even food, an escape into La La Land for any reason, even in a good relationship. Just to feel good in an affair bubble whilst avoiding dealing with their own shit. And conveniently blaming you for it to try to get rid of the guilt. He might be pissed off that you’ve noticed his behaviour and knows he can’t keep up whatever this is for much longer without consequences. But if he isn’t shocked at the mention of divorce and you were ok with saying it, I think something, but I’ve no idea what, has been festering for a while.

Original poster
deepathinka · 21/08/2022 18:45

It's a build up of petty stuff like not putting things away in the right order , or not doing things quickly, in his words I'm not listening and doing things right . He seems to think I'm deliberately doing things wrong to upset him but I'm not . It's just got worse over the last few months and he watches videos on his iPad with headphones and checks his mobile from the moment he comes in until he goes to bed . It's like I'm an irritant. He won't talk and Friday was awful . He says he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I'm beginning to wonder if he's trying to wear me down so I will go ?

OP posts:
Original poster
deepathinka · 21/08/2022 18:49

Thursday he was angry because I didn't shut the car door quick enough and it's escalated from that

OP posts:
cantbelieveheletmedown · 21/08/2022 19:26

deepathinka · 21/08/2022 18:45

It's a build up of petty stuff like not putting things away in the right order , or not doing things quickly, in his words I'm not listening and doing things right . He seems to think I'm deliberately doing things wrong to upset him but I'm not . It's just got worse over the last few months and he watches videos on his iPad with headphones and checks his mobile from the moment he comes in until he goes to bed . It's like I'm an irritant. He won't talk and Friday was awful . He says he just doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I'm beginning to wonder if he's trying to wear me down so I will go ?

This is the exact behaviour my DH displayed when he started an affair with a work colleague, he started going to work earlier and coming home later and later. It's cruel abhorrent behaviour

madameMscastle · 21/08/2022 19:46

it defiantly doesnt sound too good.

I would have a really good think about what you want.

set foundations for yourself
have you got any close you could speak too? family/friends.

keep us updated

Swipe left for the next trending thread