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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH just told DS I slept with other man (which I did not!)

101 replies

cl2746719 · 19/08/2022 15:08

My DH is an absolute jerk.

It all started this morning when DH tried to stop DS from watching TV and get on with his lunch. He then went on saying (in front of DS) that ever since DS was born DS has changed his lifestyle and he had to put DS in priority in planing everything and he cannot do what he likes to do.

I stopped him at that point and asked him stop complaining like that in front of DS. This is not the first time DH talked like this which makes DS feel like he is a burden to his own father.

DH then got angry with me and started complaining against me being a useless wife/mother blah blah blah and said something very humiliating to me. I was angry and upset I said if you think I am so bad why would you pick me as your wife and I am more than happy if he would just leave and get another woman. He was furious. He then asked DS to go upstairs and then picked something to hit me (not in front of DS).

When DS came downstairs, he started telling DS that I am a bad mommy and I had slept with other men. I was furious at this point because what he was telling is not true.

He was talking about a man that I met over 10 years ago for God's sake! DH and I were dating back then and I wanted to break up with him. I then met another guy and dated him for couple of months before DH asked me back (which I did and the rest is history). We were young, we were not married at that time. After DH asked me back he just won't stop accusing I had slept with that man which I denied hundreds of time. After 10 years he is still talking about it and now this time in front of DS! I am really sick of this man. He is traumatising me and DS! He bad mouth me in front of DS and DS repeated after him saying mommy is a bad mommy I want another mommy.

I have done nothing wrong to deserve this.

OP posts:
butterflied · 19/08/2022 17:04

Russell19 · 19/08/2022 15:15

Your DH send your DS upstairs so he could hit you....and you're worried about him talking about other men?

This, OP. It's warped. You need to get yourself and your child away from that situation.

Randomthoughts992 · 19/08/2022 17:05

well all i can say is whos fault is it if your kids grows into a traumatised ass hole =. both sorry, shouldn't be letting your son see or hear those things.
Also not in front of him right now but your kid wont be stupid, He will notice the abuse as he gets older

Pascaliisafrenchymathysyperson · 19/08/2022 17:06

Why haven't you called the police ?

MushMonster · 19/08/2022 17:10

He hit you!
You have to leave him.
Pack your things and go with your son.
You will never regret it! Your son will turn into a man just like his father if you accept this. Think about it. Do you want your grandchildren and daughter in law been treated like this in future?

Cherchezlaspice · 19/08/2022 17:14

cl2746719 · 19/08/2022 15:26

I don't get what you mean. He told our son "mommy slept with other man".

First it is not true.

Second, even if that is true, the man he was referring to was my boyfriend over 10 years ago, never met him after we broke up and I was single at that time.

Third, EVEN (and I stress, EVEN IF) if I slept with someone during our marriage, do you think he should bring it up in front of a 5 year old?

It is utterly humiliating and insulting to accuse your wife of sleeping with someone when she has devoted all her time to the family and not even have time to take care of herself, let alone meeting a secret lover.

Show quote history

Why is this what you’re focussing on when this man hits you?!

You're humiliated and insulted because he said you slept with someone else but seem to be glossing over physical abuse. Why?!

L0bstersLass · 19/08/2022 17:17

cl2746719 · 19/08/2022 16:07

Thank you. I need someone to be harsh on me. Obviously as other posters has said, I am numb to the situation and I got my priorities wrong. I think my thoughts have been controlled by DH for too long and I might need mental help as well I get anxiety easily and don't want to talk to people in real life.

Show quote history

All of the help you need is available. There are many sources of free information.
Other posters will know better than me.

Perhaps if you can answer a few questions...
Do you work?
Do you and your husband own the house you live in or is it rented?
If it's owned, is it just him that owns it, or is your name on the deeds too?

I wish you all of the strength in the world.
Your current situation is dreadful and life can only get better for you.
Be brave!

Wheretogon · 19/08/2022 17:21

I also assumed you were from a non English background because of some of the things you mentioned in your original post.

I’m also from an immigrant background and the way you mentioned that your DH keeps bringing up an old boyfriend is something that an abusive man in my community would do as it is frowned upon to have relationships before marriage.
leave, it doesn’t get better, only worse. My aunt stayed too long and now all her children struggle to maintain relationships and suffer with mental health issues because of what they witnessed.

EmeraldShamrock1 · 19/08/2022 17:25

Why have you allowed him use a past relationship against you for a decade all other things aside.

cestlavielife · 19/08/2022 17:48

Go to ypur gp
Show the hit marks
Ask for help
Go to your child s school
Ask for help from safeguarding lead
They can point you to help
Your five year old is
In an abusive household
His father makes innapropriate comments and hits his mother
He needs to get away
As he is five
You have to get him away
Start talking to people who can help

Original poster
cl2746719 · 19/08/2022 17:49

L0bstersLass · 19/08/2022 17:17

All of the help you need is available. There are many sources of free information.
Other posters will know better than me.

Perhaps if you can answer a few questions...
Do you work?
Do you and your husband own the house you live in or is it rented?
If it's owned, is it just him that owns it, or is your name on the deeds too?

I wish you all of the strength in the world.
Your current situation is dreadful and life can only get better for you.
Be brave!

Show quote history

I don't work, and our home is a rental.

OP posts:
Original poster
cl2746719 · 19/08/2022 17:52

EmeraldShamrock1 · 19/08/2022 17:25

Why have you allowed him use a past relationship against you for a decade all other things aside.

When he brought that up, I just denied it. Honestly, I find him pathetic to bring the same thing over and over again after all those years.

OP posts:
Original poster
cl2746719 · 19/08/2022 17:57

stockpilingallthecheese · 19/08/2022 16:58

OP you make it sound like this is normal, like he has conditioned you and worn you down over time to believe that this is what marriage is and you just accept it, which is devastating to read.

Your husband should not hit you. You say it in such a flippant way - your husband should be someone who loves you, trusts you, whose company you genuinely enjoy, who you feel 100% safe around, not someone who controls, manipulates, physically and mentally abuses you, and you feel you have to stay with because of finances or guilt. No. You deserve better. Your son deserves better. This man is a terrible father, a good dad would never treat his child's mother in this way.

Please, please don't put up with this and please don't let this be your life - it WILL have lifelong, awful consequences for your son. Be strong, leave, and your son will be able to respect you for that. Don't worry now about some meaningless crap your husband is saying about you, look at the bigger picture and the bigger issue here.

Other posters have shared useful practical advice, I really hope you listen and take it, and get away from this monster. Flowers

You are right we are kept together because of finance and guilt. To be honest, I have no idea what a normal marriage looks like. I don't know how does a normal husband treat his wife. I simply have no experience. I pretend my husband treats me well in front of others so I never talks about problems of my marriage with my friends or family.

OP posts:
L0bstersLass · 19/08/2022 18:15

cl2746719 · 19/08/2022 17:49

I don't work, and our home is a rental.

Show quote history

I can see you said up the thread that you're an immigrant.
Do you now have British citizenship?

You will be able to get help either way but I think it will be easier if you have citizenship.

You can contact Refuge here for an on-line chat, so no need to speak out loud - www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Chat-to-us-online

The service is available until 10pm.

Women's aid is an excellent source of information and support but their live chat closes at 6pm
www.womensaid.org.uk/

Rowen32 · 19/08/2022 18:24

cl2746719 · 19/08/2022 15:39

It seems like I worry more about what he said about me sleeping with other man. The truth is, he brings this topic up all the time when we argue. I don't even care to rebut. But it is the first time he said it in front of DS. He wants DS to believe that I am a bad mommy. I don't care being physically or emotionally abused by DH. I care about what DS thinks of me.

Show quote history

If you're worried about what your son will think of you - it will probably go one of two ways - he'll grow up like your husband and abuse you too or he'll be 'on your side' but incredibly confused and angry as to why you allowed him to grow up in such an awful environment. The longer you stay the more damaged he will be and he may not be ever fully able to recover from it.

Original poster
cl2746719 · 19/08/2022 18:39

L0bstersLass · 19/08/2022 18:15

I can see you said up the thread that you're an immigrant.
Do you now have British citizenship?

You will be able to get help either way but I think it will be easier if you have citizenship.

You can contact Refuge here for an on-line chat, so no need to speak out loud - www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/en/Chat-to-us-online

The service is available until 10pm.

Women's aid is an excellent source of information and support but their live chat closes at 6pm
www.womensaid.org.uk/

Show quote history

Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
cl2746719 · 19/08/2022 18:57

My husband took DS out after the incident earlier today. I stayed home alone the whole afternoon. They were supposed to be home by now but I am still waiting for them. I feel very miserable now and wondering why would I end up like this and what should I do next. Is there any way I can cheer myself up?

OP posts:
Cherchezlaspice · 19/08/2022 19:37

cl2746719 · 19/08/2022 18:57

My husband took DS out after the incident earlier today. I stayed home alone the whole afternoon. They were supposed to be home by now but I am still waiting for them. I feel very miserable now and wondering why would I end up like this and what should I do next. Is there any way I can cheer myself up?

Utilise the resources with which you’ve been provided and make a plan to change your situation? Call the National DA helpline? Cheering yourself up isn’t really tackling the issue at hand.

FabFitFifties · 19/08/2022 20:02

Start planning OP. Ring one of the Domestic Abuse organisations already mentioned. Your last post is bizarre. You are still minimising this abuse.

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 19/08/2022 20:09

This is chilling…

OP please please please, for the sake of
you and your child, get help to get out of this situation ASAP.

cestlavielife · 19/08/2022 20:23

What you should do
Is call a domestic abuse help line
Womens aid
Talk it through
Make plan to leave
Cheer ypurself by planning your life away from this man

Grananger · 19/08/2022 23:38

This is horrible domestic abuse. PLEASE contact Women’s Aid.

theDudesmummy · 19/08/2022 23:50

You do not need to "cheer yourself up". Quite the opposite. You need to recognise that you and your son are in an extremely dangerous situation and get both of you out as urgently as possible.

Endlesslypatient82 · 20/08/2022 09:17

This Op will do nothing

her children will grow up surrounded by violence and shouting and tension

they will emerge from their childhood with no benchmark whatsoever for what a positive relationship is

And the cycle will continue

sadly that is the reality

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 20/08/2022 09:29

Endlesslypatient82 · 20/08/2022 09:17

This Op will do nothing

her children will grow up surrounded by violence and shouting and tension

they will emerge from their childhood with no benchmark whatsoever for what a positive relationship is

And the cycle will continue

sadly that is the reality

How many years/generations will it take before DV is recognised as a shameful (just like, let’s say, pedophilia is) and harshly punishable crime in civilised world?

Endlesslypatient82 · 20/08/2022 09:47

Lovemypeaceandquiet · 20/08/2022 09:29

How many years/generations will it take before DV is recognised as a shameful (just like, let’s say, pedophilia is) and harshly punishable crime in civilised world?

Show quote history

Well it is recognised as such

but of the op doesn’t tell anyone or do anything at all - how on earth is anyone meant to do anything?