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Relationships

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Original poster

He likes BDSM and kink

73 replies

hoffmant · 19/08/2022 10:36

I have been getting to know a man and on 2 occasions he has said he likes BDSM and kink. He got into it in his 40s. He said the woman is not meant to be marked which is what he said happens in 50 Shades of Grey and has made it look bad. If he is mentioning this does this mean he has a strong sexual appetite for this?

I do like him and if we were to get into a relationship I would want to connect emotionally too than someone carrying out roleplay all of the time and avoiding intimacy. His last 2 exes had a strong appetite for BDSM but dumped him and said he was pathetic in the bedroom and the one continually told him he was a useless sub. I get the impression he was the dominant type. He also has relationship trauma.

OP posts:

Janie94 · 19/08/2022 10:37

Sounds a bit weird to me, sorry!

hugefanofcheese · 19/08/2022 10:47

Is he into humiliation? He's told you an awful lot about what his exes have supposedly told him about his shortcomings. I would be wondering if these current discussions were actually part of the titillation for him. Either way, it's odd to be telling you so much about his sex life with his exes.

BorschtBitch · 19/08/2022 10:50

BDSM can mean a lot of things and you don't seem to be clear on what he actually is into of the BDSM. All you know is his ex said he is a sub, you think he is a dom, he said a woman wouldn't be marked in his idea of BDSM sex.
I think it's too icky for me but if you are into BDSM ask him more about it. We can't tell you!

Original poster

hoffmant · 19/08/2022 10:50

@hugefanofcheese He is really unclear. I don't know if he likes to be in control or he likes to control them. This would make a difference if I knew. The fact he talks about the exes makes me think he has unresolved issues. Even though the women liked BDSM like he enjoys it they still didn't want him. So if people have the same sexual preferences they still don't want to be together. The women were quite dominant and mothering from what he told me. It's all complex.

OP posts:

Etinoxaurus · 19/08/2022 10:51

You are not a rehab centre for broken men.
Block and move on.

BorschtBitch · 19/08/2022 10:53

Just seen your update. Well what do you want out of this? Is it important to you that he is a dom? He might be a switch or sub. Why do you say you think he is a dom?
There seems to be a lot of confusion. Have a conversation with him BUT I will say it's not great he is discussing such things at first date and talking so much about exes, BDSM context or not. It should be about you two and if an ex comes up it's very breezy brief mention nothing too heavy which he has done in my book.
Loads of men end up watching so much porn they start liking new things. Missionary and girl on top with a bit of oral becomes too boring for them from all the porn they watch that keeps pushing the limit. Social media didn't help either with glamorising choking and 'daddy' dynamics.

schmumple · 19/08/2022 10:54

Etinoxaurus · 19/08/2022 10:51

You are not a rehab centre for broken men.
Block and move on.

This is excellent advice.

In addition, I'd be very wary of emotionally incontinent men who overshare what their exes said about them, and that's before we get to the whole kink thing. You say you're looking emotional connection, this is clearly not the person for it.

totallyoutnumbered · 19/08/2022 10:55

Etinoxaurus · 19/08/2022 10:51

You are not a rehab centre for broken men.
Block and move on.

Came here to say this.
Absolutely each to their own but he seems very confused and if it's not your leaning why bother?. We all have scars and a past but I've learnt the hard way that each person needs to own their own. You could find someone far easier to be with. He sounds tiring quite frankly x

AgentJohnson · 19/08/2022 10:56

You are not a rehab centre for broken men.

Block and move on.

He is clearly telling you that this is his preference and if you were to go out with him, this would be his expectation of you. Far too many issues.

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/08/2022 10:56

Christ. Why are you even considering this.

Logofur · 19/08/2022 10:58

Kink is another word for the old word “perversion”. The new word of course having been promoted by Stonewall. Why sully yourself OP? Why get sucked into someone’s distasteful or unpleasant perversions if you have zero interest in it? Women seem to be increasingly encouraged now to cater to men’s sexual tastes to price her sexually liberated status. Add in the “cool girl” syndrome. There can be a heavy price. Not a perfect example, but Ghislain Maxwell comes to mind, had she the wit to see it and honesty to admit it.

FarFarFarAndAway · 19/08/2022 10:59

Nothing you have put here makes me think this would be a healthy partnership for you, especially the fact he's going on about his exes all the time, his going on about sex/BDSM but in a way you don't know what he actually means, and the fact he's saying his exes say he was shit in bed (that sounds like he's into humiliation otherwise who would say this?!) He sounds awful to me but it's your choice to continue.

LaingsAcidTab · 19/08/2022 10:59

You are correct: unresolved issues. Add BDSM into the mix and you're dealing with a dysfunctional man. I used to be very open-minded about BDSM, but I now know better.

Logofur · 19/08/2022 10:59

I meant prove her “sexually liberated status”, not price!

Pansypotter123 · 19/08/2022 11:00

When someone tells you who they are, listen.

butterflied · 19/08/2022 11:03

So messy even without the kink, which doesn't have to be an issue. Many are that way inclined. However, he just seems messy. Why bother?

youlightupmyday · 19/08/2022 11:05

This is far, far too early for this level of detail and obviously unresolved issues. I would bin.

For what it's worth I have some experience of BDSM. This man's chat would make me run a mile

butterflied · 19/08/2022 11:09

For what it's worth I have some experience of BDSM. This man's chat would make me run a mile

Agree.

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 19/08/2022 11:21

Where did you meet him? If it was on some kink dating site then fine. Anywhere else I’d run a mile tbh.

Original poster

hoffmant · 19/08/2022 11:23

SteveHarringtonsChestHair · 19/08/2022 11:21

Where did you meet him? If it was on some kink dating site then fine. Anywhere else I’d run a mile tbh.

I met him in person through mutual friends.

OP posts:

Booklover3 · 19/08/2022 11:33

I’d run a mile personally

SecretlyDarkened · 19/08/2022 11:34

Jesus. Some of the responses on this thread.

BDSM means different things to different people and covers a very very broad range of activity.

You know yourself. Are you up for trying different things in the bedroom, or are you a pure "vanilla" woman?

If the latter, I would steer clear as your sexual preferences are fairly fixed imo and if you are not into it you just aren't going to be into it. And as PPs have said you shouldn't try to change your preferences to suit a partner and do things you don't enjoy.

If you are up for trying different things then it would be worth having a more detailed conversation about what exactly he is into and see if that aligns with what you might also enjoy.

BDSM doesn't always mean that's all you do sexually. Sometimes people mix and match with sex where the dynamic is more connected/loving. Sometimes not.

Having said all that it sounds like there may be a difference in sexual preferences plus this "relationship trauma" whatever that means. Plus as PP has said some of the way he talks about it all sounds a bit off.

Sounds like quite a few potentially big issues. Is that something you want to be taking on? Are you in an emotional place to deal with it (ie are you very secure and able to cope with someone else having struggles) or do you need something easier and more straightforward? How much do you like him? What positives does he bring to you?

cowberry · 19/08/2022 11:39

Sounds like an ex of mine. I tried it, it wasn't for me. In his case I think it was a case of masking sexual inadequacy and a lack of self confidence (I am aware this isn't the case for all who practice BDSM). It was distinctly unfulfilling and I wouldn't do it again.

Georgeskitchen · 19/08/2022 11:55

Unless you are into this sort of stuff I would run away fast

TiaraBoo · 19/08/2022 12:04

He told you he was pathetic in the bedroom?

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