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Original poster

He likes BDSM and kink

73 replies

hoffmant · 19/08/2022 10:36

I have been getting to know a man and on 2 occasions he has said he likes BDSM and kink. He got into it in his 40s. He said the woman is not meant to be marked which is what he said happens in 50 Shades of Grey and has made it look bad. If he is mentioning this does this mean he has a strong sexual appetite for this?

I do like him and if we were to get into a relationship I would want to connect emotionally too than someone carrying out roleplay all of the time and avoiding intimacy. His last 2 exes had a strong appetite for BDSM but dumped him and said he was pathetic in the bedroom and the one continually told him he was a useless sub. I get the impression he was the dominant type. He also has relationship trauma.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/08/2022 12:05

He said the woman is not meant to be marked

Did he say "the woman" or "the sub"? If he said the woman then I can see why you've assumed he's dominant, but his talk about his exes seem to indicate he's a sub or at least switches roles.

He's made it clear early on that he's kinky, which is great as it avoids you wasting time if it's not for you.

What you now need to do is talk to him in detail about what he likes and you need to make it clear on your part that you might be (depending on his kink) willing to go along with it sometimes but you'd also need regular vanilla sex.

Fairislefandango · 19/08/2022 12:06

Christ. Why are you even considering this.

^This. Unless you are actually into the idea of this kink. But if you are, then why the question and the thread? Personally I'd run a mile!

YouAreNotBatman · 19/08/2022 12:07

Nah, I see men with so called kinks or if their into bdsm as a huge red flag.
So manh men seem to just want to abuse women. This helps them do it on plaind site, and getting patted on the back for
being ”sex positive ”.
I’d run away from him.

coconotgrove · 19/08/2022 12:11

Enough about him. What are you? Are you kinky? Are you into BDSM? If the answer is no, then don’t waste you time on him - you’re clearly sexually incompatible, so best cut your losses and move on now.

StopStartStop · 19/08/2022 12:21

Just walk away. Now. No-one needs that crap in their lives.

layladomino · 19/08/2022 12:27

He is making it very clear he is in to BDSM. If you are not, and if you aren't interested in it, then I would steer well clear.

Aside from that, his oversharing about ex's (including telling you they thought he was rubbish in bed) would put me off. He sounds a bit confused himself about what he wants.

Lozzerbmc · 19/08/2022 12:41

Well up to you but i’d be off.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/08/2022 12:47

Unless you are really into this yourself I would run a mile-

sarahc336 · 19/08/2022 12:50

Op life's too short to be getting mixed up with a guy with so much baggage, red flags all over the place if you ask me xx

Whitehorsegirl · 19/08/2022 13:18

So many red flags...

  • He seems to have a lot of unresolved issues from previous relationships
  • He started over-sharing early on about his sexual preferences and previous relationship
  • In BDSM being able to communicate clearly with your partner is key, this man sounds really immature and confused about what he wants and relationships in general.
I don't think the interest in BDSM is the main issue in itself rather his personality and the things he is saying are not pointing towards a health, balance individual with an a mature attitude towards sex.

Frankly I have no idea as to why you would want to get involved with someone like this.

LongLiveThyKing · 19/08/2022 13:21

Yuck he sounds like a sub. Sub men are everywhere, particularly middle-aged unattractive ones. If he wants you to dominate him he should pay for the privilege. Their only worth are their wallets.

Tamzitface · 19/08/2022 13:25

Sounds weird. Also how can women not be marked by BDSM? I mean spank your own butt and see if it leaves a mark lol. It does.

If he’s a dom then I wouldn’t want to live with a man who had that as their identity (as opposed to a normal man who was just more dominant in the bedroom). If he’s a sub then ewwww lol.
Im sorry but sumbmissive men in the bedroom is like the biggest turn off ever. I mean it’s unnatural

Tamzitface · 19/08/2022 13:27

If he’s a sub then ask yourself - do you want to spend your life having sex with a passive man who likes being the one to wear the dress? Would that be a turn on?

Tamzitface · 19/08/2022 13:28

YouAreNotBatman · 19/08/2022 12:07

Nah, I see men with so called kinks or if their into bdsm as a huge red flag.
So manh men seem to just want to abuse women. This helps them do it on plaind site, and getting patted on the back for
being ”sex positive ”.
I’d run away from him.

@YouAreNotBatman

”some of them want to abuse you, some of them want to be abuuysssed” sounds like he’s the latter lol

OldFan · 19/08/2022 13:33

I think he's probably a wannabe dom, though he hasn't made that clear. I assume that because of him saying BDSM shouldn't leave marks. I would take that as him trying to persuade you that his beatings will be relatively pain free @hoffmant , in order to try and get you to let him do it.

His statement is not a prevailing one in BDSM, which is often about how impressive a mark can be ('safely') left (people often photo marks and upload them on Fetlife or keep the photos for their amusement.)

Then saying his exes said he was bad in bed, I assume would be to prime you to feel that you have to say he's great, if you shag him.

Either way, he sounds manipulative and sleazy. And the going on about and whining about exes is unappealing.

VioletInsolence · 19/08/2022 13:34

It all sounds very romantic 🙄. You know, if a couple are actually really attracted to each other they don’t need all the ‘kink’ stuff. He’s probably using you so that he doesn’t have to pay for a dom.

DillonPanthersTexas · 19/08/2022 13:34

To be honest unless you are really into the scene yourself you should move on before you get too emotionally invested. He has kind of done you a favour by flagging his BDSM interest early on. If he want's to continue his kink exploration he should get over to fetlife or whatever where he can find his tribe. You want more intimacy and he wants a prop to help him fulfill his fantasies.

Nancydrawn · 19/08/2022 13:49

It sounds like he doesn't really know what he likes, or at least doesn't really know how to articulate it. You, someone who isn't inclined that way herself, aren't the best person to help him figure that out. Not at all a critique of you: in fact, a protection for you. You don't need to be there for him while he experiments with sex. It's not your kink.

I'd back away gracefully. He can get off on whatever he wants with a consenting, willing adult, but that adult doesn't have to be you.

Shoxfordian · 19/08/2022 13:52

Do you like bdsm and kink op?

Thesefeetaremadeforwalking · 19/08/2022 13:53

@Pansypotter123
When someone tells you who they are, listen.

^^ this

butterflied · 19/08/2022 14:15

It sounds like he doesn't really know what he likes, or at least doesn't really know how to articulate it. You, someone who isn't inclined that way herself, aren't the best person to help him figure that out.

This is what I was trying to say, just put better. It is really important, and since he doesn't know what he wants you are better off out of it. That's regardless of whether you are into it, in my opinion.

Justcallmebebes · 19/08/2022 14:28

I can't get over telling a very new potential partner that all my other partners said I was crap in bed. Who does that?

Too batshit for me

isleofpi · 19/08/2022 14:51

Have you been on an "official" date? How did he bring up his exes etc? Was it completely out of context or were you discussing your romantic histories?

TheBeardedVulture · 19/08/2022 14:54

That’s a nope from me. Dump and then tell him you’re not into kinky sex stuff. They need feedback or they’ll never learn.

hotfroth · 19/08/2022 15:25

Every single thing you have said so far is about what he wants.

Just stop and think about that for a moment.