He likes BDSM and kink

[hoffmant]

I have been getting to know a man and on 2 occasions he has said he likes BDSM and kink. He got into it in his 40s. He said the woman is not meant to be marked which is what he said happens in 50 Shades of Grey and has made it look bad. If he is mentioning this does this mean he has a strong sexual appetite for this?

I do like him and if we were to get into a relationship I would want to connect emotionally too than someone carrying out roleplay all of the time and avoiding intimacy. His last 2 exes had a strong appetite for BDSM but dumped him and said he was pathetic in the bedroom and the one continually told him he was a useless sub. I get the impression he was the dominant type. He also has relationship trauma.

I have so many questions. Did he tell you all the negative things that his exes said about him regarding his poor bedroom performance.....? Or do you know his exes?
You say you met through mutual friends, what do your friends say about him? Is everything good between the two of you bar this whole BDSM thing?

If you're going to be with someone, you need to be sexually compatible. Talk to him and see exactly what it is that he likes. Just because he likes BDSM doesn't automatically mean he won't have any intimate sexual encounters with you as well.

From what you've posted so far though, all just sounds a bit odd.

If in doubt, walk away as it will only get worse for you.

His task is not to impose his preferences, but to arouse interest. First of all, with your burning eyes, openness, and honesty. BDSM practices are not aggression, not violence, but a voluntary and controlled process that takes place for the pleasure of both. Speaking openly about your feelings is a very useful relationship skill in general.
Your fantasies should correlate with each other. If a man sleeps and sees himself on his knees in front of a woman with strapon panty, and the woman is disgusted to see her hero humiliated, then it is unlikely, of course, that something will work out between them. But even in this case, you can try to listen to your lover. What if he likes it? Maybe you can use the accessories https://obsessharness.com/handcuffs-leather/. Suddenly the experience will be interesting?

Strapon panty or not, I don't feel you are the person he's looking for to lead him through this confused period of his life, and it doesn't sound like he's got anything you need.

Anyone proposing any element of BDSM needs to be able to be crystal clear in their communication and he's fallen at the first fence.

I predict an unholy mess if this goes any further.

Just getting to know him and he is going on about his bdsm fantasies. Firstly, it is downright rude to be talking about his sexual preferences at this stage of the relationship. Also, I think he is clearly signalling that he is a sub. Sub men struggle to find women interested in their kink, so often pretend to be doms or switches to engage you. Unless you are interested in being a dom, chuck him back. Also, men who go on about their sexual preferences before you have even had a shag want fucking swerving - they can only do the kink.

Fuck’s sake. You really are scraping the bottom of the barrel here.

Ugh.

This was my first thought too.

He sounds weird OP. Not cos of the bdsm, but cos of the oversharing and trying to make you feel sorry for him etc.

Who the hell tells their new girlfriend that their ex said they were bad in bed?!

weird.

Right. He is NOT a Dom. I can tell that from just your OP. He likes the idea (cerebral) of being a Dom but he cant cut it. It's a fantasy and yes, he is a sub (largely). I am a Dom and Doms usually can tell which is which. (It's called, 'going to the dark-side) In fact, he's a 'loose' switch. I mst point out that I have never understood switches. They cant work out if they are Arthur or Martha so I always avoided them. They create havoc.

A good and effective Dom uses two weapons. Their intellect and their ability to find the 'soft spots' in the submissive.

Two dates in and he's telling you that a women said he was crap in bed? A Dom would never reveal that had happened. Even if it wasn't true. To reveal that shows he ain't that smart ipso facto, not a Dom.

More males than females are Doms. However there is a sizeable minority of males who are subs but they haven't quite worked it out yet. He wasn't testing you consciously but his subconscious is. Avoid this man. It has heart-ache writ large all over it. Massive black flag.

Truly hope it helps because I can sense your confusion.

So am I it sounds fine to me :)

If he is mentioning this does this mean he has a strong sexual appetite for this?
Of course it does!
He wouldn't have mentioned it to you - twice! - unless he wanted you to enage with it too.
|f you want to engage in BDSM & kink, happy days.
If you do not - stop dating this man.

His last 2 exes had a strong appetite for BDSM but dumped him and said he was pathetic in the bedroom and the one continually told him he was a useless sub.
I imagine he told you this because he gets off on the humilation.
Are you turned on by men who tell you salacious details of their sex lives with other women?
If you are not, run a mile.
Kink or vanilla, if you do not want to date a man who kisses & tells - do not date this man.

He also has relationship trauma.
What are you hoping to get from continuing to see this man OP?
A relationship where you can excise the parts of him you are not keen on?
So you get to have a b/f who will connect emotionally too, not expect kink or BDSM, & who brings no relationship trauma with him?

100% fair play to you if that's what you are looking for.
But don't fool yourself you are going to get it from this man.

He doesn't sound your type at all, OP. I'd move on and find someone who suits you.

The women were quite dominant and mothering from what he told me. It's all complex.

FFS is he only able to relate to women as objects in his roleplay fantasies?
He is boundary-testing you.
Seeing if you will meekly fall into whatever role he assigns you.
Obviously he reckons it's your job to cure his relationship trauma by becoming his new dom/sub/whatever he wants this week.

It's not in the least complex OP.
You are being set up to be his next object, & will be expected to pander to him because The Other Women Were Meanies.
It will be ALL about him.

I bet he hasn't asked you about what turns YOU on.

I think the fact he’s telling you about his past sexual relationships is the red flag here.

Kinks can be very intimate in a very secure relationship. This guy is going into a new relationship and basically priming you for what he expects all sex to be like.

Ooh yuck. Are there any normal men out there? From what I read on mums net, maybe not.....

Yea his is such an old thread and another one where Mumsnet keep recommending old shot posts

If you're into kink, or not oppose to the idea, then have a discussion with him. Kink/bdsm encompasses such a wide variety of activities. It's not just for sad, traumatised or inadequate men. If it gives you the ick do you both a favour and don't go any further.

OP posted this 3 months ago so she's probably made her decision either way by now.

If you're unsure, just don't bother. Life is too short. I wouldn't waste my time with someone who wasn't into kink and just always wanted your average sex life myself.

Sounds like he's a switch. If you're not into BDSM then ask if he'd use a pro dom or sub.

Why are you reviving all the sex related threads??

@Logofur

Complete and utter nonsense.

Kink and BDSM have nothing to do with the trafficking of children and neither does “cool girl syndrome”.

You have a nasty, superior tone and seem to have a low opinion of women generally. Is sexual liberation annoying to you in some way? We’re not ‘sullying’ ourselves, we’re enjoying our short lives. You should try doing the same.

@Lookingoutside unfortunately majority of MN have a distaste for anything kink and believe women can't enjoy it, are just brainwashed into it by men. And any women who engage are "cool girls " because anyone normal should just have plain old missionary and be happy with it 🤣

One led to another in the suggestions. I didn't realise they were old.