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Original poster

Is this normal

86 replies

Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 07:45

Please hear me out as I’m not sure how I’m going to come across in this message, possible like a ranting brat

so…. I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half. Things started off well then increasingly over the past 6 months I seem to be coming increasingly irritated and annoyed.

is this normal?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 12:49

Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 12:48

I see what you mean. I think because I’ve already said “oh can you put your dishes in the kitchen” or “could you maybe do your washing at yours” it still doesn’t happen so I feel unheard.

he’s also not driving at the moment so I drive everywhere.

I guess it’s maybe just feeling like I’ve asked on several occasions, not been heard so then I will end up just blowing my top. It’s a bit like when we go out to eat and I choose something off the menu then he says why don’t you have that instead and I say no I defo fancy this to eat and he says yeah but you had that last time why don’t you try something else. I just want to order what I want to eat 😩

Show quote history

I think I do make things dramatic situations sometimes where their are ways I could deal with better

OP posts:
Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 13:40

Op don’t feel as the though you need to make it work.

Hes not father of your children
Hes not been in your life for very long

Just wrap things up and enjoy being on your own with your children for a bit

Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 13:42

It’s a bit like when we go out to eat and I choose something off the menu then he says why don’t you have that instead and I say no I defo fancy this to eat and he says yeah but you had that last time why don’t you try something else. I just want to order what I want to eat

you are clearly incompatible

surely not going out or going out for dinner with your kids or friends would be infinitely better than having this kind of exchange before even the starters?

Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 13:43

Beyond him, what is your life like? Friends? Hobbies? Social life?

Original poster
Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 13:49

Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 13:42

It’s a bit like when we go out to eat and I choose something off the menu then he says why don’t you have that instead and I say no I defo fancy this to eat and he says yeah but you had that last time why don’t you try something else. I just want to order what I want to eat

you are clearly incompatible

surely not going out or going out for dinner with your kids or friends would be infinitely better than having this kind of exchange before even the starters?

I totally agree with you 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 13:52

Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 13:40

Op don’t feel as the though you need to make it work.

Hes not father of your children
Hes not been in your life for very long

Just wrap things up and enjoy being on your own with your children for a bit

I appreciate that, it’s like I’m a mum and a girlfriend but totally lost my own identity

OP posts:
billy1966 · 19/08/2022 13:52

He is using you and your home.

He's not a partner, he's a teenager.

Gather up his stuff, drop it over to him and end it.

Do not allow him into your house again.

Have you no idea how unbelievably cheeky it is to expect someone you don't live with to do your washing?

Like wtf?

Get rid of him.

Twawmyarse · 19/08/2022 13:56

God he sounds extremely annoying, no wonder you’re stressed out with it all!

He books a gig as a “surprise treat” but then you’re expected to pay for the hotel? That Sounds to me like the “treats” are things HE wants to do but doesn’t have the money for the whole experience so dresses it up as a surprise for you (coz he’s so great!) so you make up the shortfall - I mean, who does that?

The continually asking how he looks and general laziness are just things I couldn’t deal with at all personally and the fact he doesn’t want sex with you is just the final nail in the coffin. I mean, what’s the actual point of this man? Maybe your kids like him but so what? They’ll have forgotten about him after a week or two. Don’t stay in this shitty excuse for a relationship because you’re scared to be alone.

Original poster
Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 13:56

Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 13:43

Beyond him, what is your life like? Friends? Hobbies? Social life?

I see friends now and then, I quite like to spend time on my own so take myself off to the beach or even a spa night in a hotel if I save up and can afford it. I’ve always gone to the gym but finding it more difficult to fit in time wise now. Being a single mum has been a big adjustment so I think Im very consumed with that. I don’t really look after myself very well, often just eating the kids left overs, trying to make sure all their needs are met, and make sure they are happy,

OP posts:
Original poster
Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 13:58

billy1966 · 19/08/2022 13:52

He is using you and your home.

He's not a partner, he's a teenager.

Gather up his stuff, drop it over to him and end it.

Do not allow him into your house again.

Have you no idea how unbelievably cheeky it is to expect someone you don't live with to do your washing?

Like wtf?

Get rid of him.

Is it cheeky?? I defo think it is but I thought maybe it’s normal? I must think it is cheeky as I feel so angry when he’s put his clothes in the washing basket

OP posts:
Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 13:59

How long have you been a single parent?

Original poster
Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 14:04

Twawmyarse · 19/08/2022 13:56

God he sounds extremely annoying, no wonder you’re stressed out with it all!

He books a gig as a “surprise treat” but then you’re expected to pay for the hotel? That Sounds to me like the “treats” are things HE wants to do but doesn’t have the money for the whole experience so dresses it up as a surprise for you (coz he’s so great!) so you make up the shortfall - I mean, who does that?

The continually asking how he looks and general laziness are just things I couldn’t deal with at all personally and the fact he doesn’t want sex with you is just the final nail in the coffin. I mean, what’s the actual point of this man? Maybe your kids like him but so what? They’ll have forgotten about him after a week or two. Don’t stay in this shitty excuse for a relationship because you’re scared to be alone.

That’s exactly how I feel what you described above about when he books these “surprises”

I think aswell if I tried to finish it last weekend I already know in my mind I just need to be strong and stick to it without worrying about how I’m hurting his feelings

OP posts:
Original poster
Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 14:06

Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 13:59

How long have you been a single parent?

i don’t really want to get into that as it’s extremely painful, I made reference to it I know

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 19/08/2022 14:40

I think I do make things dramatic situations sometimes where their are ways I could deal with better

OK. Do you do this with friends/family/acquaintances/people at the till in the shop etc? Or do you just do this with him?

hotfroth · 19/08/2022 14:52

You keep saying you don't want to hurt his feelings.

What about you? The annoyance that you are being used as a laundrymaid, chief cook and bottlewasher, taxi service, etc and all the resentment you have building up because of that. Does he care about your feelings? No.

If someone who didn't live here just dumped their dirty clothes in my laundry basket and expected me to wash them, I'd be absolutely furious.

Your feelings are more important than his. Put yourself first, and dump him.

Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 15:17

Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 14:06

i don’t really want to get into that as it’s extremely painful, I made reference to it I know

Show quote history

But is it recent?

Watchkeys · 19/08/2022 15:19

Your feelings are more important than his

I see what you're getting at, but it's important to point out here that everybody's feelings are equally important. It's why it's not ok to tell him to stop or to make him feel he's doing something wrong. He's fine with what he's doing, and it's not OP's job to educate him. If OP doesn't like the feelings of being with him, she needs to stay away from him, rather than counting her feelings as 'more important', and therefore trying to over ride his.

billy1966 · 19/08/2022 15:21

Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 13:58

Is it cheeky?? I defo think it is but I thought maybe it’s normal? I must think it is cheeky as I feel so angry when he’s put his clothes in the washing basket

Show quote history

Unbelievably fxxking cheeky.
You were NOT wrong.

He's treating you as a skivvy.
He's using you.

As @Twawmyarse rightly said, he buys tickets for "you" and catches you for a hotel.

AGAIN.....WTF!

Stop bloody caring about the feelings of a user.

Start looking after yourself.

Gather his shit up, drop it too him and block him.

Life is tough enough for you without a user in your life.

Mind yourself.

Original poster
Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 16:29

Watchkeys · 19/08/2022 14:40

I think I do make things dramatic situations sometimes where their are ways I could deal with better

OK. Do you do this with friends/family/acquaintances/people at the till in the shop etc? Or do you just do this with him?

No just with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 16:34

Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 15:17

But is it recent?

Show quote history

Could you expand on the reason you are asking?

OP posts:
Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 16:37

Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 16:34

Could you expand on the reason you are asking?

Show quote history

Because I suspect recent and that you don’t want to be alone and think anyone is better than no one

Watchkeys · 19/08/2022 16:39

OK, well, this is a good way for a person to check where the problem is. If they have a behaviour they don't like, in almost any company, then it's something for them to look to themselves to sort out. If they have a behaviour they don't like, but it only happens with one person, then that person is the problem. It doesn't mean they are 'a problem person', it means they are a problem together, compatibility wise. And when two people aren't compatible, they need to stay away from each other or there'll be fireworks.

You're currently being responsible for your kids and your partner, but not for yourself. It's up to you to decide who to be around. It's up to you to decide who's good for you. It's up to you to choose people you feel good with.

The reason you've lost your identity is because you are not recognising you. You are not speaking your mind. You are letting your feelings be over ridden.

This is how boundaries work: you make it clear, calmly, to the other person, what you need. Then you watch and wait. If they make moves to provide what you need, you go forward with them. If they defend themselves, make excuses, minimise your feelings, make you feel silly, put you down, etc, you leave, confident that you did all you could.

If he chooses not to provide you with some time to yourself, and he chooses to leave his dirty underwear for you to wash, then he's not entitled to stay in a relationship with you, because he doesn't respect your boundaries.

Original poster
Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 16:41

Endlesslypatient82 · 19/08/2022 16:37

Because I suspect recent and that you don’t want to be alone and think anyone is better than no one

Show quote history

Appreciate your view and can understand now why you asked. I can confirm it’s not that reason. I don’t “need” anyone I’m quite happy spending time on my own as I’ve mentioned in above posts

OP posts:
Original poster
Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 16:45

Watchkeys · 19/08/2022 16:39

OK, well, this is a good way for a person to check where the problem is. If they have a behaviour they don't like, in almost any company, then it's something for them to look to themselves to sort out. If they have a behaviour they don't like, but it only happens with one person, then that person is the problem. It doesn't mean they are 'a problem person', it means they are a problem together, compatibility wise. And when two people aren't compatible, they need to stay away from each other or there'll be fireworks.

You're currently being responsible for your kids and your partner, but not for yourself. It's up to you to decide who to be around. It's up to you to decide who's good for you. It's up to you to choose people you feel good with.

The reason you've lost your identity is because you are not recognising you. You are not speaking your mind. You are letting your feelings be over ridden.

This is how boundaries work: you make it clear, calmly, to the other person, what you need. Then you watch and wait. If they make moves to provide what you need, you go forward with them. If they defend themselves, make excuses, minimise your feelings, make you feel silly, put you down, etc, you leave, confident that you did all you could.

If he chooses not to provide you with some time to yourself, and he chooses to leave his dirty underwear for you to wash, then he's not entitled to stay in a relationship with you, because he doesn't respect your boundaries.

I hope you don’t mind me saying but bloody hell have some very good insight!! I never looked at it this way before, especially the part about recognising myself boundaries etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 16:47

Hanstarlucky · 19/08/2022 16:45

I hope you don’t mind me saying but bloody hell have some very good insight!! I never looked at it this way before, especially the part about recognising myself boundaries etc.

Show quote history

It made me feel a bit tearful when you said that you currently being responsible for my children etc but not for myself. Not tearful in a bad way just due to the realisation.

OP posts: