Is this normal

[Hanstarlucky]

Please hear me out as I’m not sure how I’m going to come across in this message, possible like a ranting brat

so…. I’ve been with my partner for a year and a half. Things started off well then increasingly over the past 6 months I seem to be coming increasingly irritated and annoyed.

is this normal?

Just seen your update. He talked you out of ending it because this all works very well for him and he’s clearly very selfish. But you don’t owe him a relationship and this doesn’t work for you. So you will need to end it again. This relationship is over. He doesn’t need to like that. You just need to stand firm. Good luck, OP.

I felt a bit tearful when I read that because I think I know deep down it’s true

You sound like a very kind and caring person, OP, but perhaps more used to looking after other people than after yourself. But you need to do that, too! Good luck, OP!

Does he want a girlfriend/partner or was he looking for a mother figure!
I would get rid or tell him to start pulling his weight around the place. I'd personally just get rid

Thankyou for your words. I think maybe if I went round to his house and ended it then I can leave rather than if he is at my house and doesn’t leave. I know if he had just left after I would have been able to stick to my guns. I sound pathetic

Fair enough
he sounds well annoying, get rid

I seem to attract these types of men. I think maybe I need to spend some time on my own to try and figure out why that is

I agree with the others - he's a needy man child. Definitely dump.

How old are your children? Have they met him?

They have met him yes, 12 and 8

If I was your best friend I would be telling you the same as everyone else on here. Dump him.

I think it’s going to be hard for you because you sound like a lovely caring person which for him is coming over as his Mummy person.

You are wise to go to his place to kick him into touch because then you leave when you want to. You’ll be in control.
You are also wise to have a break from relationships to ground yourself, focus on your children & work.

Your front door is your draw bridge, pull it up, batten down the hatches and just concentrate on bringing serenity into your life and calm to to your head without worrying about this man-child you’re hooked up with.
Do it! Do it this weekend!

We all attract these types of men. But you're letting them in rather than filtering them out.

Getting irritated and annoyed with a partner is a sign things are ending.

I think it's natural for partners to discover little habits that annoy each other. The sign that things are ending is not being able to talk about it and sort it out.

@Hanstarlucky Do you tell him when he does something that gets on your nerves?

He’s got his own place and has started staying so much at mine I’ve had to say oh I think I need a bit of time on my own just work and the kids is stressful at the moment

This makes it seem like expressing your needs feels like you're doing something bad, is that the case?

I feel awful as I don’t want to hurt his feelings but it’s a cry out for some time on my own. I have a very manually exhausting job and just feel like sometimes it’s an effort to even try to engage on an evening. With the kids work etc I think if I’m truthful I don’t have the capacity mentally to give 100 percent into a relationship so I know that’s on my part

but I realise that after I asked him to have nights at his this week (he’s only been at mine one) I’ve felt a lot less stressed and I thought this feels like a date which was nice but then he fell asleep on the sofa and I took myself off to bed 🫣

Do you children like him? What’s their thoughts on him? He’s in their space too OP

And having their mother happier and less pissed off is always a good thing!

They absolutely adore him

I totally agree

I would not be surprised if they are happy to have their home to themselves and you happier and less pissed off. I doubt they’ll give him a backwards glance Op

How did he respond to your irritation with him?

Is that because he's on their level? From what you describe he sounds very immature so it's not surprising your kids like him. It's your relationship first and foremost though. Staying with someone who gives you the ick, is clearly treating you like a skivvy and where there is no intimacy is not remotely in your best interests. Suffering that for the kids, is not a good reason and they will get over it anyway.

They do say he’s so much fun and ask where he is if he’s not there, but arghhhh you are right. I don’t really as an adult want to be reminding someone to open their post as you could miss something important etc, and I know it’s totally up to him it’s just me who ends up with the burden of it. It’s stresses that could so easily be avoided. And if he asks where his f-ing keys are one more time I’m going to lose my shit

I don’t have the capacity mentally to give 100 percent into a relationship so I know that’s on my part

Do you think that you have to be ok with being together all the time in order to give 100% in a relationship? Can you reframe this as 'I can only give 100% into a relationship if I maintain my own needs and boundaries'?

If it's necessary for you to only see your partner two evenings a week in order to be at your best in the relationship, then you need a partner who is happy to live in this way. Otherwise you're not compatible.

it’s a cry out for some time on my own

You're dramatising. Communicating that you need some alone time isn't a 'cry out', it's a simple 'I'm going to have a couple of nights on my own this week, sweetheart.'

Can you see that you're making your basic needs into something dramatic? If you need him to clean up, say 'Can you clean this up before you go, love? I can't be picking up after you as well as the kids.' If he books something, say to him 'I can't afford a hotel until 5 weeks after that, can you check with me next time, please, rather than just expecting me to have the money ready?'

What stops you saying what you need and want? What turns it into 'OMG I'm going to have to tell him I don't like his behaviour, it's awful/terrible/etc'? Do you know where that behaviour pattern comes from?

It's worth getting this worked out because if you can't calmly state what you want and need, you won't get it, in this or any other relationship.

I see what you mean. I think because I’ve already said “oh can you put your dishes in the kitchen” or “could you maybe do your washing at yours” it still doesn’t happen so I feel unheard.

he’s also not driving at the moment so I drive everywhere.

I guess it’s maybe just feeling like I’ve asked on several occasions, not been heard so then I will end up just blowing my top. It’s a bit like when we go out to eat and I choose something off the menu then he says why don’t you have that instead and I say no I defo fancy this to eat and he says yeah but you had that last time why don’t you try something else. I just want to order what I want to eat 😩