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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mother in law again

61 replies

StarsStarStars · 19/08/2022 01:20

I need an advise... My husband and I are in the middle of divorce. He took our son for holidays last week, but didn’t returned him to me ( he said it was too late), and took him straight to his mother’s...today I messaged her saying I was coming to pick my son up, however she replied that she is sorting out his school uniform out ( she offered to pay for), and they are too busy...she then texted me saying “ if you can’t wait to see your son , you can come tomorrow afternoon, but not before we are done”...what????....what do I reply? I am literally lost for words...I don’t want to be rude, but..how do I build the boundaries?

OP posts:

GeorgiaGirl52 · 19/08/2022 01:41

Maybe text her when you are coming and arrive at that time. If she is not "done" sorting out his uniform, you can offer to bring him back when if suits you. If possible, you could try and maintain a pleasant relationship with your son's grandmother. Even though she will soon not be your m-i-l, she will be your DS's grandmother.

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 19/08/2022 01:53

Thank you for your comment. I will of course try to keep cool, but she obviously thinks she is in charge... which is fine, but the problem is my son is now thinks like that too...

OP posts:

Crimea · 19/08/2022 03:09

If you don’t need the help with the uniform money I’d say something like ‘thank you for your help with the uniform, no need to pay though I’ve got it covered. I will be there to collect DS at (time)’. Firm without being rude. You have my sympathies , that sounds like a tricky MIL!

ThePumpkinPatch · 19/08/2022 03:24

If she refuses to give you your son back then you call the Police!

Beelezebub · 19/08/2022 07:12

she obviously thinks she is in charge... which is fine

why is that fine? It would not be fine with me at all.

ChubbyMorticia · 19/08/2022 07:14

Go pick up your son. MIL doesn’t have the right to tell you no. WTH?

christmascrackers22 · 19/08/2022 07:15

Don't start this shit letting the mil
Take over . That's what I done and it ended badly

Pascaliisafrenchymathysyperson · 19/08/2022 07:29

What was the actual plan with visiting his grandmother for school uniform? Was it planned ? Sounds like it was.

Please explain the scenario a little clearer as from your original post it sounds something like ;

STBEx took son away on holiday last Wednesday and was due to return to you Wednesday this week - and the next day due to spend a couple of days with granny who is going to buy his uniform... but there was a delay. and therefore went straight to granny.

Gran has asked you not to come and get him until they are finished. Which will be on the second day. ?

If this is an accurate understanding of the situation, then I don't think it is an unreasonable request. Depends on the uniform list and suppliers. Can easily take 2 days . One for clothes another for shoes, sports stuff etc.
if however you are talking about state primary, the uniform can be sorted in a few hours and I would inform her that you are coming to collect DS this afternoon.

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 19/08/2022 08:53

It’s going to be long...

They come back from holidays on Sunday , this is when I was expecting him back..

My soon to be ex and his mother decided that my son should go to a boarding school, I was very happy with his old school ( private day school, same as his sister attending) but his dad was insisting, and said boarding or nothing , he is not paying fees to his old school ( new school it’s my ex’s old boarding school), after lots of consideration, I decided it’s probably going to be best for my son, as we have younger children and I work . I can’t afford school fees myself, so was happy to accept his mother’s offer to help with school uniform..by the way because my son will be in boarding school, I agree that my husband pays me significantly less child maintenance, I will have to move to a smaller house. Now my son is saying that if he hasn’t got his own bedroom when he is off school he will stay with grandma...have I’ve done a wrong thing by agreeing him changing school?...

OP posts:

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 19/08/2022 08:56

So basically you have given your ds to mil?
If this is real give your head a wobble op.

LittleOwl153 · 19/08/2022 08:58

You need a decent solicitor to properly negotiate this otherwise your MIL is going to be raising all your kids.

girlmom21 · 19/08/2022 09:07

This is shocking. Change your mind about boarding school. Get your son home. JFC.

Motnight · 19/08/2022 09:11

I would pull all my children out of their fee paying schools and send them to state school. However amazing you think that the education is that is being provided it comes at the cost of you losing all say regarding your kids. Are you happy with that?

You sound incredibly passive Op, sounds like your husband has done a number on you. I hope that this thread helps you think more clearly.

User354354 · 19/08/2022 09:11

This is insane. You are being massively controlled. Do you want your son to go to boarding school? If not, get him home and registered

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 19/08/2022 09:19

LittleOwl153 No, she only cares about my eldest for some reason..

OP posts:

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 19/08/2022 09:24

I think it will be best for my son long term.. at the moment he spends far too much in front of the screen.. also if he stops paying school fees, I have to move my daughter ( she is under assessment for ASD at the moment, and finds it very very difficult to settle in new places..

OP posts:

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 19/08/2022 09:29

i’m not passive I spend weeks sorting it out with my solicitor..but I want best for all my children..

also my soon to be ex is so much more powerful them me, he has a high fly job and all his family support ( he is the only child)..

i have no one ( lost both parent during Covid..) and 3 younger children.. which he is not interested about..

OP posts:

LittleOwl153 · 19/08/2022 11:23

If you really think giving over your eldest is the best for all your kids, then seek an educational trust now as part of the divorce, for them all so that he cannot pull this stunt of threatening withdrawal of fees when he isn't getting his own way.

Isyesterdaytomorrowtoday · 19/08/2022 12:04

This is crazy. What on earth are you doing?
how old is your son?

send them to state school, claim the child maintenance, keep your house. Stop letting this man control you.

please!

layladomino · 19/08/2022 12:33

I am shocked at his (and your MIL) arrogance and your acceptance of it.

If you don't want your child to go to boarding school, they don't have to go.
If your child is happy at their school, you leave then there.
If you want your child to come home from MIL, you tell her that.

As it is, your DH has unilaterally decided where your child is going to school, and as a result will pay you less child maintenance???!!!

If your solicitor has advised agreeing to any of this, they are incompetent.

You need to let your MIL know that you are your child's mother, right now. If you let this go, she will get worse and worse, and one day your child will see her as their primary carer.

It sounds as though between them they are determined to alienate you from your child. Please don't let that happen, for your sake or your child's.

cheekychatta · 19/08/2022 12:49

They are taking your son away from you . Sorry to be blunt . Take back control now before they turn your din completely against you .

cheekychatta · 19/08/2022 12:49

They are taking your son away from you . Sorry to be blunt . Take back control now before they turn your din completely against you .

Sorry meant son not din

Dobbysgotthesocks · 19/08/2022 13:14

Are all 4 children his?

Dobbysgotthesocks · 19/08/2022 13:18

How old are the DCs?
Do not let your eldest go to boarding school!!! You will loose him. Before you know it his father will have completely cut you off from him. This is serious parental alienation going on.

Why can he not go to mainstream school? What schools do your other DCs go to? Are they in mainstream?

StarsStarStars1 · 19/08/2022 13:22

Thank you for all your comments. I feel completely powerless.
He was happy in his school and doing very well academically, but wasn’t taking part in social life, and I thought going to a boarding school with help him with social side .
also I have no one else to help, he and his mother are only people I have to help ( I have two children with ASD, and a toddler) so I very much value any type of help, but how do I stop them taking advantage of the situation?

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