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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Mother in law again

61 replies

StarsStarStars · 19/08/2022 01:20

I need an advise... My husband and I are in the middle of divorce. He took our son for holidays last week, but didn’t returned him to me ( he said it was too late), and took him straight to his mother’s...today I messaged her saying I was coming to pick my son up, however she replied that she is sorting out his school uniform out ( she offered to pay for), and they are too busy...she then texted me saying “ if you can’t wait to see your son , you can come tomorrow afternoon, but not before we are done”...what????....what do I reply? I am literally lost for words...I don’t want to be rude, but..how do I build the boundaries?

OP posts:

StarsStarStars1 · 19/08/2022 13:23

Yes, all 4 are his. Two of them are twins

girlmom21 · 19/08/2022 13:28

You don't send him to boarding school and you keep him with you!

StarsStarStars1 · 19/08/2022 13:28

Eldest one is 13, then 11 and 2.

i have another one in a private school she has ASD , i can’t move her..

her twin has learning difficulties, in state school

and my toddle is at the nursery.

i really don’t want to have a war with them.., as I said they are much more powerful then me... they have money snd family support, i have none..

Dobbysgotthesocks · 19/08/2022 13:29

Has he now lost his place at his old school? I would have left him there.

How far away is the boarding school? Will you still see him regularly? My concern would be him feeling pushed out and then gravitating towards his father more particularly if he is getting spoiled by his father and grandmother.

Motnight · 19/08/2022 13:32

Let's break this down then. You think your son needs help to socialise and that boarding school will provide this. Why?

girlmom21 · 19/08/2022 13:34

Why are some at private and some at state school? Send the eldest to state school. That'll be better for his socialisation than sending him away and moving house so he has no space to come back to.

Dobbysgotthesocks · 19/08/2022 13:38

How do the other children react knowing their father has no interest in them?

sorcerersapprentice · 19/08/2022 13:42

You really need to hold on to a relationship with your eldest. You are being cut out the picture and your role as a mother is being very carefully undermined. It sounds like his father and MIL want to bring up now as they are making all the decisions. If he is away at Boarding School, and then with you for only half of the time when he's not, you're not going to have a lot of time with him. Sending him away to Boarding School is a very clever ploy to reduce your influence and time with him. I would not allow this at all.

Almondsandraisins · 19/08/2022 13:47

StarsStarStars1 · 19/08/2022 13:28

Eldest one is 13, then 11 and 2.

i have another one in a private school she has ASD , i can’t move her..

her twin has learning difficulties, in state school

and my toddle is at the nursery.

i really don’t want to have a war with them.., as I said they are much more powerful then me... they have money snd family support, i have none..

there is an awful lot wrong in this whole senario but honestly I cannot get past the fact that you have 1 twin in private school and 1 twin in state school

Or that you are sending 1 child to boarding school (v. expensive) but have another in state school

Meanwhile your son, your Mil and your ex are all dictating your sons life to you...

Lunabun · 19/08/2022 13:49

No private school is worth this OP. Do not let them go through with this boarding school plan

PeekAtYou · 19/08/2022 13:55

You have been far too passive and have screwed up imo.
Teenagers are able to choose where they want to live and if they want to see their other parent. If your oldest says he wants to live with Gran then he can do that regardless of what you want. Then you pay child maintenance to gran because he lives with her.
Are the other kids his? If so, you've allowed your ex to use school fees for dc1 to screw over the younger ones.
Tell us more about the different education choices that you've made for the kids. I'd rather all at private day than one at state/day/boarding to be fair.

StarsStarStars1 · 19/08/2022 14:10

they all were in day private school, one of twins could not pass the test as it is a selective school, so we had to move him to state one

Hempy · 19/08/2022 14:17

I'm very sorry you lost your parents recently StarsStarStars1 and that you are going through this 🌷

PeekAtYou · 19/08/2022 14:19

I'm relieved to hear that it's not a case of favouritism. Any other private schools nearby? I'd be looking at alternatives if my child wasn't academic enough for a selective

StarsStarStars1 · 19/08/2022 14:43

PeekAtYou Yes, we tried another one this year, and he failed the test. He has learning difficulties, and a couple of years behind academically .

Mysteriousnotice · 19/08/2022 14:56

You are letting your ex and the mil favour one child.
You need to stop it.
Its not fair on that child or siblings.

StarsStarStars1 · 19/08/2022 16:28

Thank you all. The point let’s of people are missing out it’s he said if I don’t agree for boarding school for eldest he want pay school fees at all. That would be very difficult for several reasons:

my daughter has ASD and change would be very damaging for her.
also he said he wouldn’t help anyhow and being with no family around 4 kids ( one toddler) and a job , it would be very hard.

StarsStarStars1 · 19/08/2022 16:30

Thank you, it had been hardest time in my life. In one year I lost both parents and husband filed for divorce..

sorcerersapprentice · 19/08/2022 20:06

He's holding you to ransom over this. I would seek legal advice on this issue as part of your divorce settlement. If I've got this right, he's saying that unless you agree to Boarding School for your eldest, he won't pay for private school for the other DCs. That really is quite shocking.

Original poster

StarsStarStars · 19/08/2022 21:48

sorcerersapprentice Yes you are right. He said no school fees for anyone if i don’t sign papers for boarding school..

OP posts:

justasmalltownmum · 19/08/2022 22:01

Send them to state school.
Get maintenance and get this MIL out your life.
What are you doing?!

Rowen32 · 19/08/2022 22:38

Oh please send them to state school - don't you want to keep your son? Your daughter might be able to adjust and at least you'll have all your children, I couldn't bear to lose mine like that xx

Italiangreyhound · 19/08/2022 22:54

In your shoes I'd get them all into state school and go from there. But first you need to see a good solicitor. Your soon to be ex should support his family and not select one child to favour. It will destroy the relationship not just with you but with siblings too.

Gazelda · 19/08/2022 23:10

If you send him to the boarding school, he says he will spend holidays at grandmas because he won't have his own room at your house.
If you don't send him, ex will stop all school fees.
If school fees stop, DD will be adversely affected due to her additional needs.

Your ex is a prick to do this to his DC.

On balance, I think the best solution is to move all DC to state school. This will prevent the eldest feeling superior and the younger inferior. It might temporarily damage your relationship with eldest, and give DD some difficulties, but the long term benefits will outweigh these

Make sure you get a watertight child arrangement order and financial settlement. I fear you are in for a bumpy ride with your ex and his mother.

LastWordsOfALiar · 20/08/2022 04:28

You are being coerced into losing your son.

You are accepting that your children are all treated differently.

You are allowing your ex and your MIL to control you and your kids.

Pull them all out of private school immediately. Reinstate your powers. If private school makes people anything like your husband, surely you see it's not a good thing.

Your son needs YOU. He needs his siblings around him and a stable loving home. If he already is valuing his own bedroom over his mum, something's gone seriously wrong.

You need to fight for your kids. Not for private school, but for a normal childhood at home with his family. At the the moment you're rolling over like a puppy. Wake up. Speak to women's aid. Citizens advice. Anyone.

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