Apparently I have no personality... according to my husband...

[Yesandwhat]

After years of being told what I really think and why I do the things I do by my husband, I finally told him that my real motivation for being anxious, miserable and unhappy is because he makes me feel that way.

His response? Sniggering and saying he 100% disagreed. He went onto say that I ruined the holiday. I actually was upset on the holiday because a close friend of mine had died unexpectedly AND my husband is a glutton for drink - it was an AI holiday and so I was super anxious that he'd get a taste for it again.

I'd had a row with him before the holiday (the day we were to set off) because he'd made a comment that illnesses e.g. cancer are sometimes/often caused by poor mental health. This made me furious because 3 days before, I'd lost my friend to cancer. It seemed like an evil thing to say and I told him such. He AGAIN said he 100% didn't agree and that his viewpoint had been clinically proven and so I shouldn't be mad. He works in health.

He then was angry that I was angry with him and made me do the night drive down to Heathrow as a punishment... though he said me being angry had exhausted me and that's the reason why.

Anyway, today I just told him he had made me unhappy on holiday and in life in general and that I have tried but can't find a way to see how we can get on. He agreed and said it was because I have no personality outside of work.

Not sure why I'm posting this... just would like to hear some thoughts other than the ones going round in my head. Sorry.

He's a charm that just keeps giving 😂

On a serious note keep a journal.
Do you have to share a bed still?

If he gets even slightly aggressive, ring the police.

Tell them that he is abusing you and you are trying to separate.

He will not want to be involved with the police.

Stay strong, you can do this.

Good on you op, hang on in there!!! Xx

You don't hate him because you know he ain't worth shit. As soon as I got to 'punishment' I was furious for you. Ltb OP, the more amicable the better but you deserve a million times better than that pos.

Oh and let’s throw in the fact that he says I do have a personality now 🤣 He just said I didn’t to get a reaction because I’m so dismissive of him. Yes fucker, I am. Because you treat me like dirt! He then was disappointed because I’d started a wash without putting stain remover on it first. More evidence of how I don’t respect or listen to him. Yep. Really.

Your solicitor will know how to handle difficult situations - they see them all the time. My solicitor, when I divorced my ex for DV, wrote very matter of fact, 'gentle' letters to my ex (we were living apart by then). She knew if she was too forthright he'd take it out on me. So her wording was 'if you would be so kind...could you ensure' rather than 'you need to do...we expect this by x time'. It was just a little change but it made a difference as he felt it wasn't me and her against him (even though it was and she managed to get me a quick and smooth divorce).

As well as making sure passwords are changed, make sure you wipe the history on any PC/laptops that he may be able to access. You don't want him checking your browsing and discovering anything until you're ready to tell him what's happening.

As far as him having a legal background? So what? Don't let that worry you. Anything he proposes goes through the solicitor, you do not make a decision without discussing it with that solicitor. Don't sign anything, don't agree to anything - it's always 'I'll have to talk to my solicitor'. And don't worry about custody - that's not for your 'D'H to decide. That's for the legal eagles to deal with and the courts to decide if it gets that far.

And, once this is over and you're settled, it stays the same mantra. Any changes he proposes - whether it's changes to visits with DC, financial changes, anything...'I need to talk it over with my solicitor'. And do it. Your solicitor has no emotional interest in this relationship - you always will because you have a DC together. Emotions don't protect unfortunately.

Great advice here. I’m just feeling sorry for myself tonight having to live under the same roof. It’s dealing with his half arsed attempts at effort making without climbing down from his high horse. ‘Let’s get a take away tonight’ was another one…

Parked next to this today. Subliminal message perhaps???

That's a sign.

😂 Definitely

This. And everything other PPs said too. You have a much better life ahead of you, once you’ve got away from this vampire.

OP,
He's a classic abusive prick who realises he has gone too far and is quickly back pedalling.

Even a hint of unpleasantness, tell him you will ring the police.

Your life can only get better.

Reach out for support in real life.

I am so excited for you to realise how much this man has been dragging you down and absolutely fall back in love with your real self - fuck me it's a great feeling when you've been trying to reason with the unreasonable for so long. Good for you standing firm now you've made your mind up

So apparently I’ve got a real chip on my shoulder for not letting him lend me £20 or allowing him to attend my friend’s funeral as moral support. I’m apparently abusive for always thinking badly of him.

Classic behaviour.

The abuser calling his victim abusive to deflect.

He knows well he has gone too far.

Sleep in a spare room and avoid him.

He is a nasty piece of work.

Google DARVO, OP.

He's been doing it for years by the sounds of it.

You're going to be so much happier without such an absolutely manipulative fun sponge!

Can I advise you to keep posting on this thread, OP? You have had your eyes opened - now stay on here and benefit from the collective wisdom of Mumsnet. Whatever your husband decides in the way of strategies to bring you back in, we've seen it all before and can advise you. And yes, do Google DARVO. My late husband was a bloody master of it and I fell for it for years.

My friend divorced a solicitor. He told her she’d have to move out as he’d worked while completely sabotaging any hope of her career, repeatedly told he she would get nothing and to go back to her parents. There is no way he would have done so well if she hadn’t been there to do every school run, holidays etc.
She got a very good solicitor, got the whole house and a lump sum, He got his pension and the holiday home. His words at the hearing : ‘she didn’t do anything!’ He was astounded that he didn’t get his own way as usual.