Apparently I have no personality... according to my husband...

[Yesandwhat]

After years of being told what I really think and why I do the things I do by my husband, I finally told him that my real motivation for being anxious, miserable and unhappy is because he makes me feel that way.

His response? Sniggering and saying he 100% disagreed. He went onto say that I ruined the holiday. I actually was upset on the holiday because a close friend of mine had died unexpectedly AND my husband is a glutton for drink - it was an AI holiday and so I was super anxious that he'd get a taste for it again.

I'd had a row with him before the holiday (the day we were to set off) because he'd made a comment that illnesses e.g. cancer are sometimes/often caused by poor mental health. This made me furious because 3 days before, I'd lost my friend to cancer. It seemed like an evil thing to say and I told him such. He AGAIN said he 100% didn't agree and that his viewpoint had been clinically proven and so I shouldn't be mad. He works in health.

He then was angry that I was angry with him and made me do the night drive down to Heathrow as a punishment... though he said me being angry had exhausted me and that's the reason why.

Anyway, today I just told him he had made me unhappy on holiday and in life in general and that I have tried but can't find a way to see how we can get on. He agreed and said it was because I have no personality outside of work.

Not sure why I'm posting this... just would like to hear some thoughts other than the ones going round in my head. Sorry.

Think I'd 100% rather have your personality than his. Think the best thing you can do for you and your personality is to leave him!

He's certainly shown his true colours in the past wee while hasn't he.

Sounds like he's being an arsehole on purpose to get you to push the button and divorce him.

I don't think I've ever written "LTB" till now...

Why? Just cos it cones out if his mouth doesn't make it true. He's made you lose your confidence it seems.

He might somehow work in health, but he's got the wrong idea there. The only way MH would cause cancer is if the person's mental health led to them drinking or smoking more, or having a poor diet. And I don't think MH would lead to most cases of cancer.

Aside from that, he just doesn't sound very nice at all @Yesandwhat

Divorce

@Yesandwhat Your husband is an abusive bullying cunt you need to start planning your escape. Quietly start saving whatever money you can you'll need it. I'd also start keeping some sort of record of what he's doing to you either audio or video him if its safe to do but don't put yourself at risk or can you use any text messages or emails if he has sent any to you. Get your son's paperwork safely away from him passport and birth certificate and any other important paperwork and leave it with a friend you trust. I'd also advise you to quietly and slowly pack up some belongings, clothes, toys, photos, bedsheets, towels and toiletries etc things he won't notice and ask if a friend can store it just in case you need to make an unplanned exit then you all have the important stuff you need. Hope this helps op

The solicitor will want to know some financial figures about incomes, joint assets (house, car, anything else), any debts, pensions etc. Quietly gather what figures you can to bring to first meeting.

First thing today, I’ll book a solicitor’s appointment and counselling for me.

Well done OP 💐

It’s amazing you’ve found the strength to stand up for yourself after years of him grounding you down.

Be ruthless, hope you get a decent legal advice and leave his abusive arse with half, if not less!

*grinding

If you just tell the solicitor a little of what you've said to us that they will completely understand. Your son might be unhappy for a few days long-term his life will be much better being away from his dad. Just a warning, I think your husband will insist on 50-50 at first mainly because he won't have to pay maintenance but also because he knows it will upset you. There's no way he'll stick to that long-term. He will be off trying to find someone else to terrorise.

I would also make sure your dh has no idea what you're doing. Do not give him the heads up, sounds like he likes to 'win' and will expect to get the get the house and everything else etc. make sure you get all your paperwork and passports that you need so he can't access them and then get all the advice you need before proceeding. Also make you're comfortable and happy with your solicitor because that's important when it all starts to get serious.

Good luck op I agree with pp, couldn't see anything that would make you better off with him.

Him being a solicitor won't mean the law doesn't apply to him!

He won't be able to just ride roughshod over you.

Get a good lawyer. You might end up getting more than one initial appointment if you feel you havent found the right one.

Gather up as much information as you can.

He sounds an arsehole, I am sorry.

Your husband sounds like a c-word

Ah honey, life will be better on the other side.

Yessssss!!
good luck on your journey!

Just imagine how wonderful your life will be when you divorce this arsehole!

Do you have time in the house alone today?

get paperwork passports birth certificates bank statements in a folder. If you know where to find it get details of his pension, a rough valuation of the house.

Packing an emergency bolt bath is a good plan too.

good luck, you will be so much happier.

Well done, you are doing the right thing.

Trying to understand him, to find ways to 'get' him - there lies madness. Because he is abusive. He acts with total disregard for your feelings. In fact worse than that, he enjoys upsetting you.

So don't try to understand him or to find reasons for his behaviour. And don't fall in to the trap of thinking he must be right. You are a decent person, so you will never be able to understand his abusive ways.

And your son will be fine. At the moment, your own sense of self is being eroded. You are unhappy. Once you are away from your husband, you will get yourself back and be a happier, calmer, stronger mum for your son. He will benefit from that. And surely he will sense the atmosphere in your home is not a loving one? Much better for him to live in a loving home with one parent.

Your husband might want you to think he's keeping everything, but of course that isn't how it works. You're married so money and assets are jointly owned by the two of you. Talk to that solicitor and start talking to friends and family. Their support will help you, and it will also help for a few people to know the truth before he starts trying to twist it to make himself look like the victim.

Thank goodness! Tell them your fears for your son too.

Oh OP, I think loads of women can relate to men like this. You just happened to marry one.

He is really doing a number on you. Counselling is even more urgent that a solicitor. In fact, I’d say don’t start anything until you have back up that will remind you how sane you are. And tell your friends and family what happened.

I’ve just deleted all our mutual friends on fb. Satisfying 🤣

I'm so sorry your husband is so awful to you OP!

I would definitely get away from him, live elsewhere, etc.

I'm Catholic so I can't actively condone divorce... but I would fully support living apart and separating from him in every way you can - though I'm also not going to be judgemental at all if you do decide to divorce, it's a super difficult situation obviously.

It sounds like your husband has serious mental health issues (not that that's your problem or means that you should feel bad for him at all). Do you know what his parents' relationship/marriage was like? How they treated him as a child? It's not an excuse or anything you have to bother about but maybe someone he knows could encourage him to go to therapy? Only someone who is deeply unhappy with themselves would behave how he behaves IMO.

I'm not sure how custody of children works if you didn't officially divorce, but regardless I think it's a great idea to get lawyers involved to figure out exactly what best to keep you safe and your son as happy and undisturbed (probably not the right word) as possible.

It's clear you are a kind and giving person but you must remember to be strong and don't let him gaslight you into staying in the same house as him because it is damaging for you and potentially for your son to see your husband disrespecting and treating you this way. The counselling for you is also a brilliant idea, this will be a difficult process but it's not impossible, and it will be even smoother with that extra help and support from a professional who is on your side.

I wish you all the luck in the world OP.

You are strong and you can get through this 🤍

@Yesandwhat I echo what @whinypuss says and would make a completely new email address that he doesn’t know about. Give it a memorable password that only you would know or understand. Always log out of it in your phone, tablet or desktop computer.

Good luck. You’re doing entirely the right thing.

This is the right thing to do for you and your son.
When he realises that you are serious, and you have told him you are filling for divorce, be prepared for him to tell you a load of inaccurate crap about divorce law. His job does not mean he knows more than your solicitor, but he will try to persuade you that he does. Pure intimidation tactics.