Apparently I have no personality... according to my husband...

[Yesandwhat]

After years of being told what I really think and why I do the things I do by my husband, I finally told him that my real motivation for being anxious, miserable and unhappy is because he makes me feel that way.

His response? Sniggering and saying he 100% disagreed. He went onto say that I ruined the holiday. I actually was upset on the holiday because a close friend of mine had died unexpectedly AND my husband is a glutton for drink - it was an AI holiday and so I was super anxious that he'd get a taste for it again.

I'd had a row with him before the holiday (the day we were to set off) because he'd made a comment that illnesses e.g. cancer are sometimes/often caused by poor mental health. This made me furious because 3 days before, I'd lost my friend to cancer. It seemed like an evil thing to say and I told him such. He AGAIN said he 100% didn't agree and that his viewpoint had been clinically proven and so I shouldn't be mad. He works in health.

He then was angry that I was angry with him and made me do the night drive down to Heathrow as a punishment... though he said me being angry had exhausted me and that's the reason why.

Anyway, today I just told him he had made me unhappy on holiday and in life in general and that I have tried but can't find a way to see how we can get on. He agreed and said it was because I have no personality outside of work.

Not sure why I'm posting this... just would like to hear some thoughts other than the ones going round in my head. Sorry.

This is me too 💐

Have you looked at 'grey rock'? I'd get your plans together and not talk to him about them until you have a clear way forward. You don't owe him anything and he will use knowledge about you against you. A lot of energy can be wasted having interminable circular conversations, trying to understand and reason with him. Use your energy on bettering yours and DC's life.

Husband? So you’re married? Sounds like you had a personality before hand, his obviously sucked it out of you.

Change passwords on all your personal stuff today
Move important personal documents out of the house to somewhere you consider safe
Big girl pants on
💐💐

Why have you done that? Did you not get on with them?

Be careful. You need to get your ducks in a row as they say BEFORE he gets wind of your plans. Makes things much easier for you.

Find as much financial paperwork as you can as well as getting yours and ds's passports birth certificates etc to a safe space. And given he is into punishment I would alsoove anything sentimental to you away as punishment could lead to the loss/damage of such items.

Remember you are entitled to at least 50% of ALL marital assets which includes the house but also pensions- and as a solicitor he will have something decent. And 50% is a starting point if you have given up your career for DS...

Good luck!

What he means is that you don't have the personality he has designated you have in his superior wisdom. Arrogant fucking arsehole!

26 years ago my husband was having an affair with a 17 year old. He was 32. We had children aged 3 and 2. I come from a family where divorce wasn't an option so I felt I had nowhere to go. I told him that we would put the 2 children in one room and he could have a bedroom for himself. I told him he could do as he wished with whoever he wished as long as he continued with the
pretence that all was well. We would agree the money he could take from the family budget to spend on his affair. I look back on it now and I roll my eyes but then it was the best option I had to keep a roof over our heads. I understand absolutely why you are living as you are. When you are out of this you will look back and wonder why you put up with it for so long. Xxxxxx

Ok so I’ve booked in for counselling. This afternoon I will get the passports, birth certificates and as much documentation as possible. I can’t tell you how much strength of your replies are giving me even though I’m very tearful at the moment. Thank you.

I’ve just had a phone consultation with a solicitor too

How did you get on with the solicitor op?

They gave me a rundown of my options financially and reassured me around issues such as custody.

They also gave me good advice for dealing with somebody like him.

It’s made me feel a lot more confident to return home today but obviously I’m not going to give anything away to him at present.

Hi, I was where you are. I have been told I have no tact, I have a problem with my memory and also serious mental health problems.

seeing a therapist was the best thing I ever did. She moved me from always doubting myself and feelings, to realising I was being emotionally abused.

I first suggested relationship counselling with my husband, he said no then yes then no. It was him that suggested we had grown apart, and it maybe better to separate (by text when he was feeling calm).

A word of warning. My STBXH is very angry at me as I am no longer under his control. We are still in the same house, and he waylays me to tell me what is happening next, what I must do, how he feels etc. He once lectured me about how sad it was for him, and that he needed me to acknowledge this.

If I engage with him and try and explain my side/views/feelings - he explodes and we ended up having four or five really significant rows. I tried to end them by walking away, but he would just follow me.

If things go this way, just refuse to talk. Say you will think it over and send him a text/email. It sounds so simple to say don’t argue. I have had to turn my back on him and repeat “please go away” but that still enrages him.

Its been so hard. Please take all the wonderful advice on here. Best of luck.

Because you never loved them.

I'm so angry on your behalf OP. Sounds like he has done a number on you and your sense of self-worth. Adding my support here, we are all ready to offer listening ears/advice.

So the little shit has just called me out of the blue and invited me out for lunch with him like nothing has happened! I told him that I didn’t want to be out in public with him. When I actually get back in the house and out of earshot of the general public, I think I shall tell him that I would rather eat a shit sandwich for every meal for the rest of my life than go out for dinner with him.

So pleased! Brilliant!!!

Good luck OP, sounds like you're coping with this really well.

It sounds like you have found your anger. Hold on to it, use it, get rid of your scumbag husband.

Fantastic update 👍😊

So here’s his suggestions on now we tolerate each other in the meantime prior to separation:
I am not to look at my phone to self regulate as it’s dismissive (I’m mildly autistic).
I am to do more around the house.

In exchange for
Him not drinking for a week (I think his personality sucks either way)
Him not harshly disagreeing with me even when he vehemently disagrees.

He thinks we need counselling. I’ve already arranged counselling. For me.

I told him he made my life miserable for 9 years and he said we just don’t get on. I agree.

What a pointless conversation. So I’ve gone upstairs to watch telly.

Well, fuck him. He doesn't get to manage your behaviour (which is normal and acceptable) by bartering with his behaviour (which is abusive and controlling).

Get that divorce motoring and yes, counselling for yourself only because joint counselling with an abuser is not recommended.

So you are supposed to do more housework in an effort to stop his issues with alcohol and horrible behaviour

Fuck that shit!

Good for you for planning to leave him

You're in an abusive relationship. He won't change. Start taking steps to end this relationship. You may be able to access help, support and counselling through Women's Aid.

🤣🤣🤣

Good to see that you've kept your SoH, OP. It will help you to deal with things. Also good to hear that you've take action already. I suspect many posters don't act on advice even when every reply is saying the same thing!