I am 26. My boyfriend is 24. We have been video chatting for 6 months after meeting at a virtual conference but I haven’t met him yet—I am flying to see him next month. We have spent hundreds of hours on call. He is very open and has only had one sexual/romantic relationship. I have had more, many of which he is aware of, but he is of a more conservative mindset when it comes to how many people someone has been with. I have never had vaginal intercourse; most of my encounters have been oral sex. In my late teens I disclosed childhood trauma for the first time and became hyper-sexual, resulting in 2 minor hookups he doesn’t know about which occurred about 8 years ago. Another one, during a second bout of trauma processing gone bad, occurred 3 years ago, was brief, and involved brief oral sex (giving) and kissing.
It has taken me a long time to be more and more open with him about my past encounters. I didn’t even remember one of them until after I was done with the conversation (just great). He knows of my relationship sexual activities, and recently about another hookup which occurred 8 years ago in high school, and the discussion of that didn’t go great as he was unhappy he was finding out this late (8 months) into the relationship. He then asked me to get STI testing before my visit (which is reasonable; I made an appointment for tomorrow). He has said before that there is a limit of people someone has been with for him to want to have a relationship
but said there is no set number.
I feel at this point that the hazy-recollection hookups I chose not to disclose were so long ago, and so out of character, that they are irrelevant to my current relationship. If I test negative for STIs I will feel much better about this, though not 100%. Last night he asked who else I’d been sexual with and I said “No—I have told you my sexual history in a way that [I feel] is complete.” He seemed to accept this. It would be really difficult to explain to him over time how previous hookups are related to trauma, as he would struggle to see it that way—he would likely only see it from a practical, objective standpoint.
I have lost hours of sleep over this. My days are spent ruminating, not paying attention in conversations with others because this is the only thing on my mind: the guilt, that I am lying, that I am choosing to keep those instances between me and my therapist. I am consumed by this. I have barely eaten. I just need some outside thoughts on this. I’m not looking for “leave him” comments, I just need some honest support.