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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't think he likes me...

70 replies

anonymous123457 · 17/08/2022 22:38

Went on a first date Saturday before last, with someone I met via a Dating App.

We had a great evening, chat was flowing and what I thought would be a 2 hour meet ended up being 3-4 hours. Lots of things in common, chatted about all sort of things.

He messaged me afterwards as I gave him my phone number and we would chat back and forth every evening, no body starting the conversation, it would just pick up where it left the night previous. After the date he said he couldn't believe how much we'd chatted that evening. He suggested meeting again and asked when I was free. I told him my day off, which he told me he couldn't do as he had an event he should attend. I only have one day off this week and working a lot at the moment so suggested next week and he said he was happy to wait.

Conversation came to an end Sunday just gone as I went to bed, and since then its been tumbleweeds. I thought if he was liking me, he would have been in touch by now? Its now Wednesday evening, and I thought he might have asked how work is going or something. Just to check in.

I would like to meet him again but this is putting me off as I don't want to be hurt by a man not showing interest. I also don't want to push something if it isn't there for him/hes not attracted. It just feels unusual as normally if a man has been into me, he shows me by checking in, even during the initial early dating stage?

Thoughts?

OP posts:

forgotoldusername · 20/08/2022 19:43

OP, don't message him. A keen man will message again, guaranteed! Go back on the app and forget about this guy

Good luck

Musicaltheatremum · 20/08/2022 19:46

On the first couple of days texting with my husband he fell asleep mid conversation...now I know him I laugh and know why but the next day we both texted each other. He texted at 11 am and we had a conversation and at 5 I messaged him again...think he was on another date at the time 😂😂but he replied later. He openly admitted to me that at the beginning he was messaging 3 women. He said goodbye to them all after 2 dates with me.

Original poster

anonymous123457 · 21/08/2022 20:23

Since its been over a week now I have unfollowed him on social, deleted number and unmatched on tinder. He obviously doesnt care

OP posts:

DixonD · 22/08/2022 00:33

You should have sent a message to him. You’ll have no luck if you play such stupid immature games.

Hiddenvoice · 22/08/2022 00:37

Sorry just read your posts. I kind of disagree with your thinking if a man likes you he would contact you. This is all new so he won’t want to be chasing you if you’re not interested. You didn’t reply to his last message, to me it seems like you ghosted him. Personally, I’d have messaged him to just check in. If he didn’t reply then oh well, if he did and was quick with ir then he’s interested. Im sorry but modern day dating isn’t always the man making all of the effort. You said you were busy working, he understood that. You didn’t reply to his message, he’s taken the hint I’m afraid.

sevenoh · 22/08/2022 00:42

But you didn't message him back? Maybe he thought you didn't care and didn't want to seem desperate or stalkerish by messaging you twice.

DatingIsDifficult · 22/08/2022 00:51

If men message twice they’re lambasted for being pushy and not taking no for an answer. If they don’t text twice they get ghosted.

🙄

Ilovelurchers · 22/08/2022 01:21

Not really sure why I am bothering to type this out as OP has made her mind up, but anyhow....

I am bi (tho most of my LTRs happened to be with men). And I have to say the whole desire to be chased/unwillingness to make any actual moves thing, which I have only encountered in a small number of people and all of them women (tho no doubt some men must do it too) absolutely grinds my gears and has in the past totally put me off women I was in other ways attracted to. I am certainly willing to make moves myself in terms of texting, suggesting dates, generally moving things forward, but if the other person is just going to sit back passively and let me do all the work - no thanks. I remember one woman in particular - I had liked her, we had a lot in common, physically quite attracted to her when we first met socially - but throughout the texting lead up to our one and only actual date, and even on the date itself, there was a clear sense that I had to do all the wooing, as if I was somehow expected to talk her into it... And I promise I wasn't stalking an unwilling victim, because we did actually have a ONS after the date (against my better judgement in retrospect because I was already going off her by then due to her general passivity). Even afterwards I did send a nice text or two out of politeness as I always would after sleeping with someone - I probably would have gone on a second date too to be honest even though I had misgivings - but I hardly got anything back - certainly no suggestion of meeting again from her - so I happily left it - then found out later from the mutual friend (her ex) who had introduced us that she actually did really like me and had apparently been disappointed I didn't push for another date! She was like this with all prospective boyfriends/girlfriends, her ex said. His attitude was that lots of women are like that and you have to kind of put up with it, tho he agreed it was an unattractive trait.....

Sorry, that was an essay, but it still slightly annoys me to this day! People shouldn't play games. If you like someone, let them know, whether you are a man or a woman, for God's sake people! Nobody wants to be cast in the role of mind reader.....

hugefanofcheese · 22/08/2022 04:24

OP why are you so keen to be chased to the exclusion of sending one quick message to continue the conversation? You'd said you were busy, you didn't reply (I know it was just a jokey message but still), he may have thought best to leave it in your court. Even if you'd thought 'ok, one text so he knows I've not gone cold but I won't be the one constantly driving this forward' then you'd have had a more genuine idea of whether he was interested. I agree that it's quite a balance, you can't come on too strong in the early stages but why the shrinking violet act when almost all the advice here said 'if you liked the guy, give things a nudge along'?

Confusion101 · 22/08/2022 04:36

"if a man is interested in a woman" 🤮🤮🤮
How about if a person is interested in someone, they text them!? You didn't text him. He could be saying the exact same thing as you "oh well she didn't text so must not be interested". You told him you were busy this week, he might also be respecting your space.
Don't get me wrong, there is also a chance he lost interest but without texting him to give it a chance you will now never know.

forgotoldusername · 22/08/2022 05:19

I think OP has done the right thing. In my opinion he WOULD have texted again if he was interested. I've done lots of OLD in the past two years (I might have found someone now let's see) and interested men will definitely show you they are ...

So I don't think she needed to remind him of her existence.

Onwards and upwards lots of other men out there ...

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 22/08/2022 06:49

Well I'm not a man but if I messaged someone to say I was happy to wait until they were free and they didn't message anything back then I'd think they weren't interested and I wouldn't message them again

ShandaLear · 22/08/2022 07:53

All this women being pursued thing is bollox, especially after one date. I’d be assuming he has another 3-4 dates lined up and so should you. He likely liked you last week, but the messaging wasn’t great and he met someone he liked better at the weekend. If you do like someone be decisive and don’t play games. ‘I am working this week but can do Tuesday at 7pm. How does that work for you?’ is 100 times better than ‘I’ll let you know when I’m free’.

badhappening · 22/08/2022 08:46

@anonymous123457
You did the right thing in my view.

He went cold on you and even if he didn’t, he’s shown himself to be a wet cissy, and let’s face it who wants one of those, unless you’re completely desperate (which you’re very obviously not).

Well done for having courage in your judgement and standards - onwards and upwards now.

Ilovelurchers · 22/08/2022 09:30

badhappening · 22/08/2022 08:46

@anonymous123457
You did the right thing in my view.

Well done for having courage in your judgement and standards - onwards and upwards now.

But why is he a "wet cissy" but not her? Or is being a "wet cissy" an attractive trait in a woman but not in a man?

Maybe OP's date is attracted to women who show a bit more confidence and clarity in their interactions. (I know I am). In which case, it is him, surely, who has done the right thing and had confidence in his judgement and standards....

Anyway, I guess they weren't compatible so it is a win win overall.....

DatingIsDifficult · 22/08/2022 10:55

I’m on a dating chat forum elsewhere and men regularly state they’re looking for enthusiasm, good communication skills, and I can imagine they would have taken this scenario as her not keen on them (this time to move on) or simply too difficult to pursue (imagine trying to have a relationship with someone who isn’t clear and straightforward).

OP, ask us next time but LISTEN TO THE ADVICE 😂.

Aprilx · 22/08/2022 11:54

I think in some context it is true that if a man likes a woman he will find a way to make it clear. But I think that is when it is more of a “natural” context, as in a colleague, friend or an acquaintance.

I think it works a bit differently with online dating. He liked you enough OP to ask to see you again, which he did, you made yourself sound quite unavailable and then didn’t answer him, so he moved on. That seems like a reasonable thing to do in online dating. This one is on you Op, maybe take a learning from it for next time.

toucaninjapan · 22/08/2022 13:51

You did the right thing OP. Good for you, you deserve a man who will make efforts to show you how important you are to him. Best of luck

forgotoldusername · 22/08/2022 14:30

@Aprilx I am OLD (was, I've tentatively met someone although it's slightly complicated). I only chatted to professionals (I have a PhD in a quant subject and My role is say MD in a big organisation so I would only chat to similar people - partners in law firms, other MDs, I've even met CEOs) and confident men, if they are interested, will go the extra mile and definitely text again (in the OP case below for example). He must have had some doubts to just let her go like this or he met someone he liked more. I really think OP did the right thing here

ThinkingaboutLangClegosaurus · 22/08/2022 19:41

I think OP posted here just to wind us all up!

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