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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In love with a married man

90 replies

specialdelovery · 17/08/2022 22:34

I'm in love with a married man 😫.

We was seeing each other for a while and it ended because well he is married.

We still have a great connection it's magnetic. We don't communicate via phone but we do talk if we see each other in person.

I know I need to move on from this

Advice on how to move on please, has anyone been in this position?

OP posts:
user1484512193 · 18/08/2022 00:45

I'm trying not to be judgemental but as someone who's partner cheated, gotta be honest I hate cheats and you kind of deserve the turmoil you're experiencing. He isn't yours and never will be.
Ignore what someone said above about tinder. Be by yourself for a bit and learn to love you first before meeting someone else and please value your worth and don't settle for anyone other than someone who is able to give you the whole package of them

Sandra1984 · 18/08/2022 00:51

user1484512193 · 18/08/2022 00:45

I'm trying not to be judgemental but as someone who's partner cheated, gotta be honest I hate cheats and you kind of deserve the turmoil you're experiencing. He isn't yours and never will be.
Ignore what someone said above about tinder. Be by yourself for a bit and learn to love you first before meeting someone else and please value your worth and don't settle for anyone other than someone who is able to give you the whole package of them

I’m not sure if you’re still with that cheating partner or not but if you are maybe you need to apply that “value your worth and don't settle for anyone other than someone who is able to give you the whole package of them” to yourself?

(if you dumped him please disregard my post)

AuntTwacky · 18/08/2022 01:08

Grow up and move on

Aquamarine1029 · 18/08/2022 01:15

Wake up. You're just the bit on the side. You should want more for yourself and your children.

PyongyangKipperbang · 18/08/2022 01:32

SucculentSunshine · 17/08/2022 22:38

Cut all ties and treat it as a normal break up. Work on yourself. Download tinder and date some men who are single.

First sentence yes, I agree.

Second sentence? Hell no, more married men on Tinder than in your local Relate waiting room!

A decent paid for OLD site would be a better bet, professional shaggers prefer the free sites so go for ones that cost money up front.

PiecesofFive · 18/08/2022 02:02

Advice on how to move on please, has anyone been in this position?

No not been in this position but I should imagine if you take the love bit out, which should be easy as loving someone doesn't really involve sharing one man's cock between two women, then look upon it as purely transactional.

Ow are significantly cheaper than prostitutes and given you've been fed a load of bullshit, it looks like you been scammed.

Don't be used so easily next time.
Love means jack shit in an affair.

rnsaslkih · 18/08/2022 02:15

What circumstances are causing you to keep seeing him around? Eliminate that and you will be in a better position to move on.

somethinggotmestarted · 18/08/2022 02:44

Same lovesick rules apply whether he's married or not. No contact, keep busy and if your thoughts of him become intrusive use the OCD technique of shutting the thought down until set times, eg. not now, but at 5pm I can think about him for 10 minutes.

Wanting someone you can't have is really tough, but with this one you have the benefit of being able to switch the romanticised thoughts of him into the reality that he is a dishonest cheat, and you deserve better than that.

Nat6999 · 18/08/2022 03:04

I've been there, ran after him for 10 years until I saw sense, he's been divorced & married again since then & his second wife left him, I don't think he has changed.

Drevere · 18/08/2022 05:28

states that it ended because he is married

It also started when he was married. Which you know. Which makes you no better than him by engaging in it.
Not sure what you want from posting about doing that and woe is me it's ended. Good. The hurt you feel you deserve. Next time don't have an affair. Find someone single. Not that hard.

maisieandvicks · 18/08/2022 05:34

This isn’t a difficult decision. Love and respect yourself enough to walk away from a man that doesn’t love you and isn’t prepared to commit to you. He loves his wife. He doesn’t love you. Otherwise he would have left her and even then, at that point, what would that make you? The next in line to get hitched and then ditched if you ask me.

I’ve seen some pp’s saying that you should tell the wife. The issue with that is that you had no issues with the wife needing to know whilst you were seeing him, right?

So for you to attempt to take the moral high ground is unfathomable. You can’t and shouldn’t do that. She will soon find out what he is.

As for you, you need to start doing your best to work on healing yourself and moving on from this pos.

He will never change. So it’s time for you to change. For you.

maisieandvicks · 18/08/2022 05:38

Drevere · 18/08/2022 05:28

states that it ended because he is married

It also started when he was married. Which you know. Which makes you no better than him by engaging in it.
Not sure what you want from posting about doing that and woe is me it's ended. Good. The hurt you feel you deserve. Next time don't have an affair. Find someone single. Not that hard.

While I agree with what you’ve said, I also feel like he is to blame as much as her. That’s why I stated in my post that she is in no position to take the moral high ground by disclosing this information to his wife, just because it’s ended.

But to imply that she deserves the hurt she is currently feeling, I don’t think is fair.

The reason I say that is because without even having to RTFT, this is very clearly a woman that has low self-esteem, otherwise she would never have allowed herself to be the other woman.

So let’s try and help her see that for herself. Not beat her down. She made a mistake. It’s time for her to just move forward from this bs.

PermanentTemporary · 18/08/2022 05:56

He'll be in your head for a long time, but it doesn't mean anything and will gradually fade. Can you see him less? Is this at work or socially? Trying to organise things so that you never see him would be best. Think of it like an addiction.

youlightupmyday · 18/08/2022 06:03

Bananarama21 · 17/08/2022 23:43

Christ you have the nerve to use a parenting site with women who have experienced their own dh cheating to complain about your affair partner ghosting you. You got some big balls il give you that

Oh whatevs, this mindset is so irritating, MN is not one homogenous group. Each marriage is different. Each person is different. A braying mob makes no fucking sense.

In RL I have known 15 affairs over the years. The two most 'blindsided' wives were honestly just in denial because of their social status, missing our that their husbands were also incredibly smug and egotistical too. Genuinely. Both did the run off with women 30 years younger. And one other wife is married to an absolute philandering twat but she still adores him so turns a blind eye.

The rest ( clearly only the ones that made it at least semi public knowledge or confided in me) are a mix of men and women with internal and external pressures on marriages who made a mistake, or who, instead of dealing with issues go outside the marriage for validation but ultimately want to stay in the marriage.

Other than the first 2 egotistical twats ( both v successful), i have yet to see someone leave a marriage for an AP, never mind for that relationship to work out.

I am still kind to those caught in the maelstrom though.

youlightupmyday · 18/08/2022 06:06

PermanentTemporary · 18/08/2022 05:56

He'll be in your head for a long time, but it doesn't mean anything and will gradually fade. Can you see him less? Is this at work or socially? Trying to organise things so that you never see him would be best. Think of it like an addiction.

Dealing with it like an addiction, is excellent advice. You will move on OP, I promise you. You need to break this habit properly, not over romanticise it and make your self available for someone who can truly make you happy. Don't try and insist that he is the only one that can, because that is not true. In fact, it is the opposite.

GreyCarpet · 18/08/2022 06:17

OP, I once 'fell for' a married man. It was well known amongst his friends that their marriage was over but they were together for the kids/finances etc. It does happen and there are also many threads on MN that are testament to that.

No one knew how I felt. Not even my closest friends (who also knew him) because I was embarrassed about it.

I treated him as I did my other friends and only saw him within the context of our friendship group. Spoke to him, had a laugh, but never even came close to flirting, never spent any time alone with him, didn't sit next to him, didn't even go to the bar at the same time as him.

One evening, after going to the pub as part of the group, he tried to kiss me.

Now, I could have thought, "Oh, wow! This man likes me!" This man I'd carried feelings for for about 2 years by this point. But I didn't. I pushed him away, turned round and practically ran into my car, and drove away.

Because he was married. And whatever i thought I felt for him. I am better than to be messing around with someone else's husband. And I deserve better than to be someone else's 'bit on the side'. His action showed that he didn't have the strength of character to do the right thing. Either to make a full commitment to the decision he and his wife had made nor to walk away and become a single man in a position to date. He didn't respect me because he clearly thought I was the sort of woman who would be flattered and respond positively. I found his behaviour offensive, not flattering.

I have never gone off someone so quickly in my life.

You can't control your feelings but you can control your behaviour and I'm one of the, seemingly few, women who post on here who doesn't see the OW as a victim or passive but as an individual with agency who has made a choice to be in that position.
He's not the first married man who has tried similar and I'm pretty sure he won't be the last. And they've all been met with the same response.

What exactly did you think was going to happen?

You deal with it by reminding yourself of your worth and of what he is choosing to do. And then you work on yourself so that you're not vulnerable the next time one of these blokes tries it on.

Plumpurplepink · 18/08/2022 06:32

specialdelovery · 17/08/2022 22:34

I'm in love with a married man 😫.

We was seeing each other for a while and it ended because well he is married.

We still have a great connection it's magnetic. We don't communicate via phone but we do talk if we see each other in person.

I know I need to move on from this

Advice on how to move on please, has anyone been in this position?

We still have a great connection, it’s magnetic.

Sounds as if this is written by a teenager

Its the summer holidays.

Plumpurplepink · 18/08/2022 06:33

Just thinking out loud

Robin233 · 18/08/2022 06:37

@GreyCarpet
Great advice.
I've seen this too.

BlueSuffragette · 18/08/2022 08:05

Remember you are more into him than he thinks about you. If he cared about you enough you'd be together and he'd no longer be married. Poor wife. Once a cheater always a cheater. There may be more than you too. Get some self respect and move on.

Candleabra · 18/08/2022 08:20

Cut ties. Put all thoughts out of your mind.
See people, friends, man’s new dates.
When you are tempted, remember he’s a horrible man who has cheated on his wife. He’s not the man you thought he was.

Candleabra · 18/08/2022 08:21

*make new dates

Scorpio8 · 18/08/2022 11:57

specialdelovery · 17/08/2022 22:34

I'm in love with a married man 😫.

We was seeing each other for a while and it ended because well he is married.

We still have a great connection it's magnetic. We don't communicate via phone but we do talk if we see each other in person.

I know I need to move on from this

Advice on how to move on please, has anyone been in this position?

@specialdelovery

The best thing is just cut contact really distance yourself from him.

Married men are worst and you as the OW get the title of home wrecker. When then man crossed that line. Best thing to do is walk away and try just dating other people.

Let's hope his wife finds out what he is like one day. Don't tell his wife because he will lie and you will be made to look the bad one. She may forgive him anyway.

PiecesofFive · 18/08/2022 12:19

Imagine him making love to his wife and with the all that sexual history that goes on between married couples, all the memories that you've had no part in, the house buying, the children, the grandchildren, whatever that has bonded them to be a team above and beyond what your stolen moments are.

Sex isn't love, it's disposable, forgettable and insignificant, the words uttered in the lead up and during sex are meaningless crap that men spout out to get a free shag.

In many cases these words would be used on wives but you've got a stubborn one here who believes women should fawn over him to get his end away, you played the part and gave him lots of attention without him actually having to try.

Men are very basic creatures, they are not emotional machines that crave love, they mostly crave sex, you find the distinction when the male wishes to share everything they have with you, not just their dick.

Find a sharer.

Derbee · 18/08/2022 12:20

Are all the posters currently frothing at the mouth aware that there’s a chance OP didn’t know he was married, and ended it as a result, when she found out?