Is this what online dating is like now or am I doing it wrong?

[Pumpkinspices]

I didn’t realize online dating is so stressful!

You reach that point where you trade numbers. Text for a few weeks. In the early days I’m not invested, not worried about whether they’ve read or replied. But within a few weeks and the more you get to really like them, then the more you care if they actually text back.

But then I get anxious and start to over analyze. Questions go round in my head like: Has the message been read? Does it have two blue ticks? Why haven’t they opened it? Have I done/said something to offend them? Will they ever text back? How long should I wait before assuming they won’t reply?

My friends have said I need to just not care - but I can’t! That’s not me!

I went on a date yesterday. They drove over 2 hours to come see me and we had 4 hours together and a nice lunch. They text to let me know they were home about 6pm and said how lovely it was to meet me and be not heard from them since. They did 4 hours of driving so could easily have for an early night and I know they had work today, but I can’t help but wondering if they’re busy or just not texting back now. Then I start worrying if I did or said something wrong 🙈God I feel like a teenager again🥺

Any tips please?

I have done lots of online dating. Honestly if they don't ask you for a second date within 24 hours it's bad news (at least for me). Human nature is really quite predictable. I know the not over investing is difficult but that's what you need to practise. Good luck and whatever you do, don't message him. He has your number, he can message (I know we're not in the 1950s but that's how it works). Get back on the apps to distract yourself

This is the reality of OLD

I gave up on it

Stats wise you have a 10% chance of meeting a long term partner
All my friends who thought they had met a long term partner are now divorced

Many guys think you are desperate if you use OLD and will string you along as thats all you are 'worth' in their eyes - after all it was that easy to connect with you. I had one tell me this is the psychology of it - they have not had to approach you or work out if you are single for months - there is no chase.

Also many lie about their intentions. If they put relationship its usually just to get more ticks. I know one from work he put that there to 'get more pussy'. Any guy from school I seen on there was catergorically a weirdo or the class creep. I have also seen many of my friends abusive exes on there and many married men (5/6 that I know)

I was raped by a guy I met online dating and another friend was stealthed and ended up needing an abortion. Needless to say he discarded her immediately after the abortion and she has had mental health issues since - he did not care and he was back on the app immediately after she had a TOP (probably never came off it)

So my advice would be to avoid - join groups, go out and meet people the normal way, speed dating in a safe setting. Woman are leaving online dating in their droves for a reason. Read FDS

I agree if they have not asked you out again by that evening its done

What was his communication like before the date? If he isn’t a big texter then I wouldn’t worry.
Online dating is stressful and soul destroying when you meet someone you like and they don’t feel the same. Don’t take it personally though. I met loads of nice guys but most I didn’t want to see again, not because they are horrible more so as I didn’t feel a connection.

Why should it be stressful?

How can you even get so emotionally invested in someone you don't know? You need to check your boundaries.

How can someone you don't know (and don't care about) disappoint you? Sure, they can waste some of your time, but more than that?

Yes I second this too.

@Daydreamscometrue thé keenest ones for me asked within an hour from the first date. Definitely not waiting 24 hours! I wouldn't want someone not that keen. And I hope no one on mumsnet comes on to say "it's 2022, you ask him out". Nope, doesn't work that way I'm afraid

You need a very thick skin and the ability to not get too invested. It doesn't sound like you're quite there yet

I’ve been dipping my toe in for a couple of months. It’s not gone well! Only had one date and he stayed 50 minutes before he left, said he’d message me but he didn’t. I’ve organised other dates and they have all changed their minds or ghosted me just before 🤷🏻‍♀️ One thing I would say is don’t be texting for weeks before organising a date! Ideally should be meeting sooner rather than later. Messaging only for weeks gives a false impression of what they’re like. (Learned that the hard way). I’m going to focus on work - I’m about to start a new job - and do some social stuff and see what happens.

Underline this post with lots of bells.

I agree that texting for weeks is a waste of time. Meet for a quick coffee as soon as you've established you're potentially compatible.

I met my husband on Match but I went on loads of different dates, probably around 50. My friend went on over 100 before meeting her now husband, 2 a week for a year. You have to not get invested too early, definitely not before you've even met.

They text to let me know they were home about 6pm and said how lovely it was to meet me and be not heard from them since.

Did you text him back?

Haven’t heard from them at all for 20 hours. It’s looking less and less likely that I will now 😞
Even a text to say, great to meet up but you’re not for me would be nicer than simply nothing! 😱

Yeah I did! I text back asking if they wanted to meet up again somewhen and heard nothing!

Why doesn't it work that way?

What was the rationale for seeing someone who would have a 4hr round trip to see you?

Unless that person is planning to relocate fairly soon, and/or you're only looking for something very casual and occasional, I can't see the point.

I also always suspect they don't date in their own area for a reason.

Ooh, that's not good in that case. I've not done OLD but I've been on MN long enough to learn that you should meet up asap with a promising match, as getting cosy online is no indicator that there will be chemistry in person. Sorry you've wasted so much energy on this man.

Yeah why doesn't it work that way? 🤔

@CookPassBabtridge because an interested man doesn't need to be asked. He WILL make it known. I must have been on maybe 200 dates (sometimes 3 a week), had one relationship that ended unfortunately and now cautiously entering a new one and I never ever EVER asked them out. Those who didn't message straight away were deleted within 3 hours. And the ones who were interested messaged straight away. So, I will continue with my approach and I think it works better for women this way

And anyway I now see that OP DID ask him out and he didn't reply so...my theory stands ...

I agree with you, it's not about being passive it's just a good way to gauge how keen he is.

first rule of Venus versus Mars text book: You don’t pursue a man, you let him pursue you. Never ever chase a man (let him chase you). That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t send a short message showing “interest”, of course you can, but do NOT chase a man when you don’t know him, it shows desperation and lack of boundaries on your part. Men will smell that a mile away and will either take advantage or loose interest. Men enjoy the hunt, they will only value you if they had to really work into getting you. They need to feel they are the “special chosen one” amongst a big pool of men. A woman Investing too much on an internet stranger before meeting a guy shows desperation and is a red flag for them.

Have a good life for yourself , be very picky, have good boundaries and be difficult to get.

But your success rate is extremely low, so why do you think this method works?!

@NuffSaidSam but it isn't. I had a relationship with a wonderful man (sadly it ended) and now i have one with another nice man. I'm very picky as I'm a highly trained professional (think managing director in an investment bank) so I want someone equally educated and with similar earnings power. I am relatively open minded, but honestly I wouldn't date someone with less than a master (I have a PhD in a quant subject). And now I met someone who does a similar job at another bank.

I'm divorced with teenage children but still I want it all and I can have it all, it's really that simple

I'm totally with you on being picky and having high standards.

I don't think it's evidence that your never, ever, ever texting first policy had a great success rate.

Do you think the two that you've had a relationship with in amongst the 200 dates would have been put off if you'd messaged first? Do you believe that both of those relationships are based on you not messaging first and if so, do you believe that that's long term sustainable? Surely someone being put off so easily or being so stuck in the past with their views doesn't bode well long term?

My argument is that if it was right, it was right and actually who said what first is probably not in any way relevant.

because an interested man doesn't need to be asked.

OP has carefully used 'them' as pronoun so we don't know OP's or date's gender.