Is this what online dating is like now or am I doing it wrong?

[Pumpkinspices]

I didn’t realize online dating is so stressful!

You reach that point where you trade numbers. Text for a few weeks. In the early days I’m not invested, not worried about whether they’ve read or replied. But within a few weeks and the more you get to really like them, then the more you care if they actually text back.

But then I get anxious and start to over analyze. Questions go round in my head like: Has the message been read? Does it have two blue ticks? Why haven’t they opened it? Have I done/said something to offend them? Will they ever text back? How long should I wait before assuming they won’t reply?

My friends have said I need to just not care - but I can’t! That’s not me!

I went on a date yesterday. They drove over 2 hours to come see me and we had 4 hours together and a nice lunch. They text to let me know they were home about 6pm and said how lovely it was to meet me and be not heard from them since. They did 4 hours of driving so could easily have for an early night and I know they had work today, but I can’t help but wondering if they’re busy or just not texting back now. Then I start worrying if I did or said something wrong 🙈God I feel like a teenager again🥺

Any tips please?

People nowadays are getting so comfortable and are assuming their match lives next door or at least on the same street? DH and I weren't even living in the same country when we met - just as long as one or both are potentially willing to eventually re-locate, no need to limit your pool to 1-mile radius.

That exactly what OLD is like 😬

It messes with your head if you let it. I’m a big over thinker so I hate the ‘not knowing how they feel’ after a date.

I have been dating for 5 years, have met loads of people but been messed around a lot too. I now try and date people that would see me as a catch, I stay clear from the good looking men. At the moment I’m dating a older guy and even though I’m not that into him I feel totally relaxed about the amount of contact we have and I don’t over think anything (maybe because I don’t really want it to progress to anything serious?). The guy I dated before was a total head fuck and would go weeks without messaging me and then suddenly want to meet up, then vanish again.

I treat the first date like a job interview rather than a date, your both interviewing each other, your both being polite and in your best behaviour (trying to sell yourself) but your also looking for a connection. It’s pretty rare that both people feel that connection. You then go home and you have to try and let that person down gently, this is hard so often people just vanish off the face of the earth rather than saying “I had a lovely time but I didn’t feel a connection”.
Try not to take it to heart when it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean your at fault. Move on the the next one 🙂.

It is true that some men enjoy the chase and would lose interest if you showed how keen you are. But. Those men enjoy the chase. This means they will often also lose interest once they 'get' you - so you need to keep the aloof and not that keen act up for your entire relationship.

So if a man is really put off by you messaging them? Next!

My friends have said I need to just not care - but I can’t! That’s not me

You have an anxious attachment style. This isn't to do with OLD, it's to do with how you have relationships.

www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/

People with a secure attachment style are able to do what your friends suggest. You can't at the moment because you can't help linking someone not getting in touch with what you might have done wrong. When actually, if you've done something wrong without even knowing it, then you and the other person weren't a good match anyway, and it's best they/you walk away.

If both parties are of the same sex, then each could be waiting forever for the other to make contact first. The usual rules don’t apply in this situation.

The rules don't apply in healthy relationships, either. 'The rules' is game playing. Be with who you love to be with. No tactics required.

I have 2 friends who use OLD both have been messed about on it

If my partner left me would I bother???

not a chance

I think it makes you vunerable and desperate and, as a woman gives blokes an open invitation to treat you like you aren't worth more

I think it makes you vunerable and desperate and, as a woman gives blokes an open invitation to treat you like you aren't worth more

It's just a way to meet people. It doesn't invite anyone to do anything or make anybody anything. Discard anyone who isn't to your taste and you are neither vulnerable or desperate, and you decide who is 'invited' to treat you in whatever way you like. None of what you've said is to do with OLD. All of it is to do with individuals maintaining their own boundaries and respecting themselves, which they need to do in all arenas of life anyway, by default.

Men like to feel wanted and chased too from talking to male friends and exes etc.

Of course. So you chase them and want them once in a relationship, but as a “weeding method” (specially on OLD) “chasing and wanting” is a bad idea.

OLD is a numbers game. You want to date lots of people at the same time. You don’t have to be sleeping with them all, but you need to get your numbers up. Be busy, be popular abd be slightly aloof. Worked for me twice 🤭

But what if you're a quiet homebody who wears their heart on their sleeve in relationships? What worked for you won't work for everybody, and isn't good universal advice.

@RudsyFarmer that's what I did/do to avoid overinvesting (yes, at the beginning I made that mistake!)

Truth is if you see more than one at the same time without any sex/intimacy

1. They want to chase you more and
2. You remain more aloof

I call that win/win. But I'm not a quiet homebody personally although I'm not a social butterfly either. I simply know my "worth"

OLD can be a pretty brutal place to be, a place were you absolutely need some heavy boundaries, a thick skin and a certain degree of aloofness to survive it. It’s definitely not designed for “homebodies who wear their heart on their sleeve”, if that’s your attitude I can foresee a lot of bitterness after a while. I honestly think OLD was designed by lads for lads. Again, It can be a minefield for a woman who wears “her heart on her sleeve “.

@Sandra1984

I'm a homebody who wears her heart on her sleeve and has found a wonderful partner via OLD.

Aloofness is for aloof people. Homebodies who wear their hearts on their sleeve can have healthy boundaries.

Any relationship that requires you to be/act in any way that isn't your genuine self should be walked away from. If you follow that advice, you'll end up in a relationship in which you are loved for being your genuine self, and anybody who advises otherwise is advising you to chase relationships in which you have to 'act' a certain way. I'm sure any fool can see which is preferable.

It’s officially been 24 hours now ☹️

And so this is someone who has an incompatible communication style to what you need. And that's fine. You don't need this person, in order to have a happy future, do you?

Does it depend on what dating app you use?

I've heard only monstrous stories about Tinder but very positive things about Hinge. A friend met her long term boyfriend on there and another friend went from zero luck with women to dating three women casually and then falling for one of them. They both said it was much more for people looking for a ltr than a hook up.

Yes, I too believe in being your authentic self when meeting potential partners, authenticity is dynamite. I believe I was making an association between “homebody/heart in sleeve “ and naivety, and like you said is not the case. My mistake.

OP - onto the next one!!!

OP, don't take it personally. Don't you want someone who's super keen on you, rather than someone lukewarm? Whilst "rejection" is never pleasant, this is not a reflection on you but just a reflection of incompatibility between you two. Onwards and upwards. Maybe cry a bit or whatever you want to do to show your frustration today but tomorrow you go back on the apps. And if he messages in a weeks time, don't answer

I've been on dates where I've had a great evening and we've both messaged the next morning to say how fun it's been. They've then gone quiet so I've asked about a second date and it's not materialised. I won't be doing that again. If they're interested then they will ask!

I've been OLD on and off for years. It's my experience that men (not assuming OP is straight) will travel long distances for dates if they think they have a chance of getting laid. That's just my experience.

I've got to the point where I can't be bothered with flaky behavior. Recently I was chatting to someone who wanted to meet up. I offered to travel to him (not a huge distance) which would involve me taking public transport. I've had no reply and it's just plain rude.

I would move on OP. Don't take things personally with OLD. It's full of flakey twats.

I wasn’t a social butterfly either. I managed to find someone who was also a bit of an anti-social did and we’re now a decade and two kids down the line. Still very happy.

My sense is to agree, at least a little, with @forgotoldusername . You had a lovely date (apparently). He texted you when he got home thanking you for the date. I would say that the correct response to this was to say that it was kind of him to let you know that he got home safely, to thank him for taking the trouble to drive, and to finish off, to thank him for a lovely evening which you very much enjoyed.

If he does not respond to your thank you note after a day or two, then it is over. Nothing lost, nothing gained.

If he messages something back - almost anything - then you could say reply something like I noticed there’s a good train / bus / easy road to yours ... and a lovely restaurant / coffee house / park / movie theatre - whatever - does he know about them, would he like to try? This shows you would be willing to make the effort next time. Then he can respond positively or not.

Please note: my advice is NOT about the best way of catching a man! It is about the best way of YOU not feeling bad about yourself and not feeling rejected.