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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this what online dating is like now or am I doing it wrong?

72 replies

Pumpkinspices · 17/08/2022 09:51

I didn’t realize online dating is so stressful!

You reach that point where you trade numbers. Text for a few weeks. In the early days I’m not invested, not worried about whether they’ve read or replied. But within a few weeks and the more you get to really like them, then the more you care if they actually text back.

But then I get anxious and start to over analyze. Questions go round in my head like: Has the message been read? Does it have two blue ticks? Why haven’t they opened it? Have I done/said something to offend them? Will they ever text back? How long should I wait before assuming they won’t reply?

My friends have said I need to just not care - but I can’t! That’s not me!

I went on a date yesterday. They drove over 2 hours to come see me and we had 4 hours together and a nice lunch. They text to let me know they were home about 6pm and said how lovely it was to meet me and be not heard from them since. They did 4 hours of driving so could easily have for an early night and I know they had work today, but I can’t help but wondering if they’re busy or just not texting back now. Then I start worrying if I did or said something wrong 🙈God I feel like a teenager again🥺

Any tips please?

OP posts:

5128gap · 17/08/2022 21:29

Was your date with a man? A lot of people are posting assuming it was and speaking about how men behave. You never said 'he', so maybe some of this is not appropriate to the situation?

Original poster

Pumpkinspices · 17/08/2022 21:57

Any tips for moving on? I feel like I am
on a roundabout, the same thoughts going round and round in my head wondering what I did wrong and why they haven’t even given me a reply to say they’re not wanting to see me again. 🥺

OP posts:

Original poster

Pumpkinspices · 17/08/2022 21:58

5128gap · 17/08/2022 21:29

Was your date with a man? A lot of people are posting assuming it was and speaking about how men behave. You never said 'he', so maybe some of this is not appropriate to the situation?

It was with a woman.

OP posts:

Sandra1984 · 17/08/2022 22:23

Pumpkinspices · 17/08/2022 21:57

Maybe she will wait a week to message you, maybe she will never text you again because “she’s not that into you”, us posters have no idea what’s going on in her lady head. The strange part is why are you investing so much precious energy in an internet stranger who you know nothing about and who is not showing any investment on you. You have no control over people’s actions but you do have control over how you react to them. If you’re going to obsess over every flake who ghosts or breadcrumbs you I would suggest giving OLD a break because unfortunately this is very common.

forgotoldusername · 17/08/2022 22:27

@Pumpkinspices I so agree with Sandra. Are you at the beginning of your online journey? As that's the rookie mistake that many of us make. Once you've done your first 20 dates then you start seeing things in a different light. She didn't feel it, nothing you could say or do would have changed that. In my first dates I would decide on yes or no within 10 seconds (some, I would see them in real life and be so disappointed as their photos weren't really too realistic). Please please don't waste time on this person. She's not a bad person because she didn't see herself having a relationship with your she simply didn't feel it.

hewouldwouldnthe · 17/08/2022 22:55

If you think about it these men you are talking to are just random men like those you would work with. Of all those you would be lucky if you got on really well with a small percentage and a tiny tiny number you'd meet might be a life partner.

So old is just a huge group of strangers you can't possibly have a lot in common with

Mississipi71 · 17/08/2022 23:08

There are a lot of mind games on OD. I sm afraid some men just have so much mental baggage that they want to drag you down with it. You could be the most sexy, beautiful, good time shag etc and they will still ghost you..they say women are hard to work out 🙄

Sandra1984 · 17/08/2022 23:10

Mississipi71 · 17/08/2022 23:08

Yes but the OP went on a date with a woman. Sometimes reading the thread helps 🙃

PetalParty · 18/08/2022 02:05

No matter how appealing she seemed initially, It appears she is not a very polite or nice person, judging by the way she’s handled this.

Allow yourself to feel the relief of knowing you’ve dodged a bullet.

Now you’re free to meet someone much kinder!
(I’m single by the way if you want to look me up. 😜)

Opentooffers · 18/08/2022 02:44

Sounds like you are getting too invested via text before meeting up. Texting for weeks is too long, don't go longer than a week before arranging a meet. This is exactly because you don't want to get invested only to realise in person that they aren't for you.

somethinggotmestarted · 18/08/2022 03:26

I don't think online dating is for those of us with an anxious-attachment style. Too much overthinking is not good for our souls.

Unless you can be very disciplined with the headspace you give it, consider more traditional ways of meeting people. Good luck 🤞

UnboxedThoughts · 18/08/2022 03:52

The dating pool is smaller for lesbians, so the long drive makes sense. Still it's only polite to respond either way after a date so she clearly isn't the type of person you'd want to spend more time with, OP. It's disappointing, though.

Darhon · 18/08/2022 07:16

Text for 2 weeks max. If they haven’t said they enjoyed the date and would like another one in 24 hours then leave it. If the texting drops off from what it was after the date, leave it. This is from dating women and in lockdowns so couldn’t always meet up quickly.

Original poster

Pumpkinspices · 18/08/2022 08:39

Thank you for the tips, it’s appreciated.

And it’s helpful to get some perspective on things too. If this is what she is like now, would be awful to date for a few months and then have her do the same thing.

OP posts:

unicornsarereal72 · 18/08/2022 08:49

My rules for on line dating. Don't text for weeks. Give it a few days and offer to meet for a cuppa. Don't get overly
Invested in anyone unless it seems to be going well. Don't date people from miles away. How is that going to work if you are travelling for hours for a cuppa.

Take it all with a pinch of salt. See it as an opportunity to meet new people rather then thinking it's a potential relationship. Good luck

zonky · 18/08/2022 09:22

Lovemusic33 · 17/08/2022 15:11

That exactly what OLD is like 😬

It messes with your head if you let it. I’m a big over thinker so I hate the ‘not knowing how they feel’ after a date.

I have been dating for 5 years, have met loads of people but been messed around a lot too. I now try and date people that would see me as a catch, I stay clear from the good looking men. At the moment I’m dating a older guy and even though I’m not that into him I feel totally relaxed about the amount of contact we have and I don’t over think anything (maybe because I don’t really want it to progress to anything serious?). The guy I dated before was a total head fuck and would go weeks without messaging me and then suddenly want to meet up, then vanish again.

I treat the first date like a job interview rather than a date, your both interviewing each other, your both being polite and in your best behaviour (trying to sell yourself) but your also looking for a connection. It’s pretty rare that both people feel that connection. You then go home and you have to try and let that person down gently, this is hard so often people just vanish off the face of the earth rather than saying “I had a lovely time but I didn’t feel a connection”.
Try not to take it to heart when it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t mean your at fault. Move on the the next one 🙂.

@Lovemusic33

I'd say it's not just about good looking men it's more about power imbalance, I guess what you're trying to say (politely?) is that they can't do better, and that's why they'd see you as a catch? That way you have more 'powetlr' in this dynamic rather than feeling anxious if you're around someone who has options.

Watchkeys · 18/08/2022 09:26

somethinggotmestarted · 18/08/2022 03:26

I don't think online dating is for those of us with an anxious-attachment style. Too much overthinking is not good for our souls.

Unless you can be very disciplined with the headspace you give it, consider more traditional ways of meeting people. Good luck 🤞

Classic anxious way of viewing it. The trick is to sort out your attachment style so that all methods are available to you, rather than to anxiously assume that some issue of your own inhibits you.

Attachment styles aren't fixed. Once you get the hang of saying no and walking away, your attachment style is 'secure' and online dating is for you. If you haven't got the hang of those things, 'traditional' methods will hurt you in the same way OLD does. After all, the method of meeting someone is rarely the cause of problems within your relationship with them.

OLD is just an introduction. If you start to overthink a relationship with someone, you leave. That's it. Same if you met them in a 'traditional' way.

Vickimf · 18/08/2022 20:23

I just wanted to comment and say I’m in a similar situation I’m 38 had been texting for a while went for a drink lasted a few hours and received a message saying she had a lovely evening etc carried on as normal afterwards .

Last text I sent was on Friday I have received nothing since and at this point I don’t expect to. It seems a common experience now.

DiamondTeal · 18/08/2022 20:32

@Ilovemycat1 :

Many guys think you are desperate if you use OLD and will string you along as thats all you are 'worth' in their eyes - after all it was that easy to connect with you. I had one tell me this is the psychology of it - they have not had to approach you or work out if you are single for months - there is no chase

^ Well that’s interesting I thought.

Though kinda damned if you do, damned if you don’t….

Mississipi71 · 18/08/2022 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ZaphodDent · 19/08/2022 00:26

I'm a man who has never been on OLD.

I have a female friend who is very much on OLD, but without much success so far. She's lovely, very smiley, very witty.

She was telling me about her OLD exploits and showed me some of the text exchanges she's had to get my opinion.

I was struck by how keen and accomodating she always sounded. It was somehow a turn off for me reading it, and I'm not even a prospective partner of hers. I said she should inject more of her genuine sassiness into the conversation. Think Mr D'Arcy and Elizabeth 😂.

But I noticed the difference between her personality in real life and how she came across in her messages.

I know it's a cliché, but maybe my own response is proof that some men (not all I'm sure) want to feel like the hunt was hard and they've won something that makes them the special one (as a pp said).

ZaphodDent · 19/08/2022 00:32

...and I know the OP was talking about a woman, I was responding to the earlier comments about a man. Sorry!

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