Abusive?

[curlyqueen2]

My partner is abusive mentally physically financially sexually and is really in me head. Been 6 years of this and not getting any better infant getting worse taking drugs and blaming everything on mental health, he turns everything around I don’t even no what’s right or wrong anymore. Have a child also want to get away but feel like I don’t have the strength any advice please ?

Try and find an opportunity to call something like Women's Aid for some inspiration.

The Freedom Programme is good too, maybe more for after you've left as you can do it more safely without risking him finding out about it.

You can do it. x

I’ve done the freedom programme he’s got drug induced physcosis and it’s not nice to be around and the sad thing is I know exactly what he’s doing but then in that moment when he’s doing it he says all the right things and the pain stops and then a day or so later I regret it because he’s back to normal again

How can we help you to leave?

Whats the housing situation? Do you work?

You have to love you. And show your child, by example how to love themselves.

So no matter what he says that might 'make it qll better' when he is on his best behaviour, you need to remember - it is not his approval or love or respect that you need. It's your own.

His Opinion of you or the way he treats you does not define your value. You do!

So choose you this time.

You're failing your child. That in itself should encourage you to do something about your situation.

No when your in this sort of situation it’s a lot harder than you expect you can’t just walk out if it’s not safe? I don’t need people making me feel bad at the minute because without your comments I already feel like that thank you

No one is trying to make you feel bad op, they are trying to provoke your inner mother and give you the motivation to leave. To encourage you to find your strength as a mum to protect your children. To bring out your inner mama bear.

As the pp asked, what is your housing situation?
Do you rent/own - who's name is on the lease/mortgage ect...?
How are your finances? Do you have your own separate bank account? Do you have family that would support you? Are you working?

How can we help OP. Do you want to leave?

What's your housing situation, in your name/his/joint?

Also, is it his child?

Ps: you could report him for drug use. Next time he brings in drugs, just wait till he takes them and phone the police and go 'my partner has just come home and has taken drugs and is being threatening and I'm scared he will hurt me... again'. He gets jailed for taking drugs and so you might not even have to testify about the abuse.

Contact Women's Aid/local domestic abuse services and see if you can get a place in a refuge. You can then work out your next steps from a place of safety.

Is he the child's father? What's the housing situation? Do you work? Have family/friend support?

So why can't you walk out? I don't mean this in a judgemental way I promise, more in a list the things that are blocking you from walking out so that we can help you come up with solutions

I can’t just leave because one it’s my home, 2 I don’t have anybody else no friends or family as I’ve been totally isolated and 3 I do work (from home) however has all my bank cards he is my daughters fathers. and I don’t know how to put it but ive been with him since I was 18 I’m 24 now that’s a lot of years to be worked on from being young was my first proper boyfriend and the way he is with our daughter is adorable they’ve got a bond he threatens to never bother with her again if I leave and I don’t want to break her heart however I know I’m doing more harm than damage by staying but how do you leave with no way of means?

Been a vicious cycle when he leaves he takes keys and locks the door

Withholding access to your account, is financial abuse. Which is now recognised as a form of domestic abuse.

When he leaves you locked in the house, call the police. It's false imprisonment and against the law.

Get domestic abuse services involved, go to a refuge with your child. If you can WFH, you can probably continue working from a refuge. You can get on your feet on your own.

He might be sweet with your dd while she's little, but as she grows up he may become more controlling and domineering over her - what will he be like when she's a stroppy teenager who answers back?

Also growing up in a household where there is domestic abuse means she is also considered a victim of domestic abuse. You are also setting her up to believe this is how relationships should be - would you want to see her live as you do, as an adult?

Going to a womens refuge with your little one would be better than having your little one put into care if social services find out about his drug use and violence.
Someone I met recently was in a very similar situation to this and now she's lost her little one. Think what's best for the bairn

Echoing for you to call the police. Tell them he has stollen your bank cards and won't give them back. That's theft. And as pp said, locking you in yhr home is false imprisonment.

Your best bet would be to get him arrested and removed.

In the long run it would be best if he broke contact with your daughter. For the reasons pp said and also, because once she gets older and starts to develop her own opinions in life, he will start to abuse her too.

Also, when she is an adult, she wont thank you for staying with an abusive man and teaching her that is all women deserve.

Speak with the police op.

Also, how would you and your child get out of the house if there was a fire or gas leak, if he locks you in? It's really dangerous to keep you actually physically trapped. For your dd's sake you need to get out of this situation.

If it's your home, your tenancy(?), you may be able to get him removed and an injunction against him. There is help out there, you just have to reach out for it.

“Echoing for you to call the police. Tell them he has stollen your bank cards and won't give them back. That's theft. And as pp said, locking you in yhr home is false imprisonment.

Your best bet would be to get him arrested and removed.

In the long run it would be best if he broke contact with your daughter. For the reasons pp said and also, because once she gets older and starts to develop her own opinions in life, he will start to abuse her too.”

This with bells on, OP. And as another OP said - how would you escape if there’s a fire? You and your daughter are in huge danger the whole time with this man.

You don’t need to explain how you got to the current situation or apologise for it. I’m sure your partner didn’t start out this way - or rather, he dressed up control as love. Of course he’s nice sometimes. That’s part of the cycle of abuse. Even abusers don’t behave badly all the time because no-one would stay if they did. The true measure of a relationship is not how things are when they’re going well - it’s how bad they are when things are going badly - but you were very young when you got together with him and couldn’t know this.

You say you’re alone because he’s isolated you. That is typical abusive behaviour. Try reaching out to the people he has cut you off from - I bet one or more of them would be willing to help. But in the meantime, call the police and let them know the danger you’re in.

Do NOT tell your partner that you’re looking to escape. Abusers are at their most dangerous when they think they’re losing control. He won’t help you with this and he could turn real nasty.

If you can safely do it (only if you can be sure he won’t find it), you could pack an emergency bag so that when you leave you know you’ll have your key documents, purse, change of clothes for daughter etc.

Why does the pain stop? Are you relying on his approval to make you happy? So that just a short break from his punishing behaviours is a massive relief, and you feel like finally you must have done something right?

Yeah a would say that’s about right tbh it’s sad I know, I feel I’m worthless without him and I’d fail as a mother and I wouldn’t cope but there is something deep down telling me I would cope and id be fine but I feel like my head is that fried I don’t know what im doing

So where did you learn that this is what love looks like? Did your parents have a difficult relationship? Did you have to silence your feelings to keep them (or one of them) sweet? Were they focussed on something other than you a lot of the time?

Often it's the way we're parented that's the problem, because we copy it, when we become adults, and are parents to ourselves.

This is why it's important to get this sorted out; for you, but also for your child, who is currently learning that adult relationships should look like yours. S/he will copy you, and engage in/commit to similar relationships, as an adult.

I did it although it was a long time ago. I walked out with two children, a baby and two suitcases. I had £40 in my purse . It was pretty shit for a while, but the first time I closed the door on our own place was priceless. Just to have my own benefits and my own budget, no more money anxiety, sex pest, control freak, no more drunken madness. It made all the hardships worthwhile.
My grown up daughters have thanked me for not letting them grow up with him 24/7. Every other weekend was more than enough.