Abusive?

[curlyqueen2]

My partner is abusive mentally physically financially sexually and is really in me head. Been 6 years of this and not getting any better infant getting worse taking drugs and blaming everything on mental health, he turns everything around I don’t even no what’s right or wrong anymore. Have a child also want to get away but feel like I don’t have the strength any advice please ?

Buttercup vibes from this... hope I'm wrong.

Is he on the tenancy?

Buttercup vibes?

No has own address

@curlyqueen2

What would be rock bottom for you?
Ending up in the hospital?
Losing your child?
There must be some scenario that could motivate you to take action instead of doing nothing and being afraid all the time.

The sooner you put “my child and I are worth more than this abuse” into action, the sooner you’ll be free of it.
I’ve read amazing threads on Mumsnet where brave women made a plan, followed through and got out. They were doubtful and afraid too.

Please, please, please — follow the wise advice on this thread.

Well then chuck him out if he has his own place! You really should call the police or women's aid, he's massively abusive .

Are you the poster from last year who had the utterly repulsive "partner", addicted to drugs and legally banned from being around your child but who you wanted to build a life and family (including TTC) with? Despite him choking you?

Similar style of posting, same lexicon, situation. Apologies if it's not you but advice is the same: run like the clappers from this absolute scumbag.

It's good he has his own address. I often read on here that if he refuses to leave when you tell him you can call the police.

Do you no what I’ve rang police multiple times my neighbours have rang police multiple times, everytime you or someone else rings police a notice of concern goes into SS. However police have turned up and they don’t do anything I beg them to go and tell him to not come here but he’s a clever because he eithers leave before they arrive or he waits until they come and then when they ask him to leave he just leaves no problem asked makes me look like a liar

and what do yous think of this ? so he’s rang my manager and been screaming down the phone saying a lot of abusive stuff and she said she wouldn’t repeat it because it’s apaulling he said I shouldn’t be working because I can’t look after my own dd. Along with what ever else he has said even gone as far to accuse me of having a drug problem by saying i have needles down the side of bed which I don’t by the way I’m absolutely mortified. I want to leave a don’t want to deal with this anymore

@curlyqueen2 I am not going to tell you it will be easy, but please contact womens aid and get a plan in place to leave. He will not change. He will say what he needs to in the moment but that’s all part of the abuse- if he was awful all the time it would make it much easier to leave, rather than if someone is nice some of the time because it makes you WANT to make them be nice to you.

you would manage as a mum without him- he has on all likelihood worn away at your self esteem and convinced you that you cannot manage without him- the good news is that you absolutely can. Yes it will be tough at first, but eventually the cloud will lift and you won’t be being abused. It will take time. You will probably need counselling to process it all. You might be lonely for a while- but there is so much more out there for you and your child than where you are now.

you absolutely can and will be able to leave and you will I promise you have a much better life without him!

sending you strength

But if you keep letting him back in, what do you expect the police to do? They can tell him to leave when you get them there (and of course he's going to behave then) but if you don't stick by the decision to end it, it just goes round and round.

Tell him it's over. Change your locks. Cancel your bank cards and get new ones. If he turns up and makes a scene outside, phone the police, don't let him in. If the police want to charge him with something, let them. Get support from domestic abuse services and the ss to stay safe and away from him. Get an injunction against him.

Loony leave your job. That's what he wants. He wants you to get fired so that you are trapped at home with him more.you need to go to the police and report this harassment. Tell your boss you are working to leave him because he is abusive and that you hope they can support you you this difficult time.

This time when you call the police, also call a locksmith. Have him change your locks so that this man cannot come back in.

But if you report the harassment of him calling your boss...that's an actual charge they can follow up on as opposed to just turning up thinking they are there to keep the peace.

Fs, DONT not loony lol

The one who is frying your head is him
once he’s gone the fog will start to clear and you’ll see this for yourself.

as it is your house have him removed
he is committing theft by withholding your bank cards from you so the police will order him to hand those over

then change the locks
of he’s aggressive and abusive when he’s removed it’s highly likely he will be arrested and you will be able to pursue a remedy such as a non molestation order or a restraining order possibly

you say he has a wonderful bond with your daughter but this is more of the brainwashing since abuse of a mother is abuse of the child. Children are now seen as victims of domestic abuse in their own right and he ticks most of the boxes ‘more afraid.

statistically it’s a dangerous time when a woman leaves an abusive relationship so you do need some planning and things in place.

No I’m not the poster from last year, I’m posting now because I physically don’t know what more to do and hoping that the support and information I receive on here will give me the courage to do it. seeing if other people are in or have been in a similar situation hearing their stories at the other end helps me sort of see a light at the end of the tunnel

I have been in your shoes and it does get better once you leave. It will be hard at first but so worth it.

imagine being able to go out with no repercussions- buy yourself a nice coffee and a cake because you have access to your own money? Imagine returning home not treading on eggshells as to what mood he will be in but just being glad that you can now get home, sort DD and relax reading a book/watching tv whatever in peace and quiet.

I honestly do appreciate the fact I have a safe space- my home. It’s not massive. But it’s MINE. I’ve worked hard to get it so it’s really nice- sure it’s far from perfect but to come home and not be waiting on the door knocking or a key going in the lock and you jumping out of your skin feels fantastic.

I would advise you speak to the police and report him for both domestic abuse and harraasment with support from your work place. I would also get your locks changed and order new bank cards immediately. I would then text him clearly and state that you no longer wish to receive any further contact from him, that he is not to come to your property and if he chooses to do so that will be treated as harassment. State that you will be in contact via a mediator to arrange contact with his daughter and then change your number.

contact a mediator in order to arrange contact- he then cannot use this as an excuse to contact you.

I have every faith you’ve got this @curlyqueen2 and you have a number of women here behind you to support!!

Notice of concerns going to ss means you're a few steps away from loosing your kid. I saw it happen the other day as I said.
You've got to get away.

not every situation is this the same and how is it a few steps away when they don’t even contact you to see if your okay? Just receive letters saying decided they don’t need to be involved

They don't have an adorable bond if he is threatening to never see her again to blackmail you into staying in an abusive situation.

I’ve done the freedom programme he’s got drug induced physcosis and it’s not nice to be around and the sad thing is I know exactly what he’s doing but then in that moment when he’s doing it he says all the right things and the pain stops and then a day or so later I regret it because he’s back to normal again

As you've done the FP @curlyqueen2 , you know this is what they all do, 'The Persuader.' They'll be abusive until they have to play Mr. Nice Guy for a while to stop you leaving. It's the cycle of abuse. They also often blame their behaviour on mental illness or substances as part of trying to win you back.

Keep remembering all the abusive and controlling stuff he's done, and don't be reeled back in as you know he'll just be like it all over again.

Make plans to leave and stay left ASAP.

What’s the first steps in leaving how do I begin

Call this number:

National domestic violence helpline: 0808 2000 247

They will guide you through the best way to leave him

Womens aid have a live chat function if you're not upto saying what's happening out loud. They can search for a refuge space for you.

Please, ring one of the helplines and get some real life help. My blood ran cold when you said he locks you in your house when he leaves. If there was a fire, how would you and your DD escape? You don't want your DD to burn to death, or suffocate from smoke inhalation.

A father who genuinely had "an amazing bond" with his child wouldn't take any action that might well end up in her death.