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Original poster

Adult son moving in

74 replies

Ange324 · 16/08/2022 12:39

My adult son is about to move in with me.
I've lived alone in the new house I bought for the last 3 years, after splitting from his dad. My son was sharing a rental with his girlfriend, but they split up a year ago and he can't afford the rent on his own and save for a mortgage deposit.
He has never lived in this house.

I started seeing a new man a year ago and every Saturday night he comes to stay the night with me.
We cuddle on the sofa watching a film and at some point during the evening it gets intimate.

I suggested to my son that every Saturday night he should go out.
He's a bit of a loner, let his mates slip away once he was in a long term relationship and so staying out on a Saturday night wasn't to his taste in the slightest.
I want to do what's right for my son and I also want to carry on seeing the man that I have been.

Has anyone been in this situation before or can offer me advice on what to do with regards me having lived a single woman's life for 3 years, now in an intimate relationship and a tad grumpy 22 year old man son about to move in.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
badgerstink · 16/08/2022 12:43

Does he know about your relationship? I think you need to be honest about your routine before he moves in. That way he is free to find somewhere else to live if he's not happy with it. At 22 I wouldn't change my life to accommodate him

Although you will need to accept that getting intimate on the sofa is probably no longer possible if he's does move in

CaramelMacchiatto · 16/08/2022 12:43

Why can't you have sex in the bedroom??

PattyDuke · 16/08/2022 12:55

Do you want to support your adult son to save for a mortgage - I assume he is going to contribute to the household. In all honesty I would also be grumpy.
Think you might need to grow up a bit. After a year I would hope a relationship had developed a bit from cuddling on the sofa and then getting intimate. Your poor son!

girlmom21 · 16/08/2022 12:58

I think you need to adapt. You can't say he can move it but has to go out on Saturdays. Your partner needs to respect your son may be there when he visits.
Alternatively, visit your partner instead.

Ponderingwindow · 16/08/2022 12:59

If you are letting your son move in, you have to accept that the home is shared. That means he will be there on Saturday nights. your friend can still attend. You simply can’t engage in intimate acts in what are now communal spaces. You have a bedroom. After the movie, take a short walk.

Original poster
Ange324 · 16/08/2022 13:00

He does know about the relationship, but I've yet to introduce the two of them to each other.
The intimacy usually does take part in the bedroom, (apologies, must have been how I phrased it) it's just my son seeing me laying on the sofa with a man that isn't his father that's of concern.

I have told him about Saturday nights in advance and initially he said that was fine, but now as the eviction notice has been served on his place and the time is running out, it now isn't something he likes the idea of. I feel I've compromised to say that he doesn't have to stay out until Sunday morning as long as he understands that he may find a man in the kitchen making tea in the morning. I really don't want to be single again but I also dislike that sense of my son being disappointed in me.

OP posts:
Felicity42 · 16/08/2022 13:00

Does your son really need to start saving for a mortgage at 22!!
He's better off investing in his social life it sounds like.
Would he not be better off in a house share with people his own age. For a socially anxious person that's the best thing to do sometimes. Unless he takes up a hobby he'll sit at home on his own with mummy back making him the dinner.
He might well regress in age rather than move forward towards independence.

BadGranny · 16/08/2022 13:03

How does your new chap feel about having your son around when he visits?

eggsandbaconeveryday · 16/08/2022 13:06

Ange324 · 16/08/2022 13:00

He does know about the relationship, but I've yet to introduce the two of them to each other.
The intimacy usually does take part in the bedroom, (apologies, must have been how I phrased it) it's just my son seeing me laying on the sofa with a man that isn't his father that's of concern.

I have told him about Saturday nights in advance and initially he said that was fine, but now as the eviction notice has been served on his place and the time is running out, it now isn't something he likes the idea of. I feel I've compromised to say that he doesn't have to stay out until Sunday morning as long as he understands that he may find a man in the kitchen making tea in the morning. I really don't want to be single again but I also dislike that sense of my son being disappointed in me.

Why would your son be disappointed in you ? Also why should it matter ? You are an adult and so is he . You are allowed to move on after his father and he should respect that. If you are allowing him to move in with you then it's your house and he needs to respect that too. I would suggest a lunch out somewhere relaxed so that the men in your life can meet. Maybe suggest to your son that you have a mum and son movie night once a week? It could be that he expected to have you to himself but at his age that's just not realistic or fair on you.

yougotthelook · 16/08/2022 13:08

Ange324 · 16/08/2022 12:39

My adult son is about to move in with me.
I've lived alone in the new house I bought for the last 3 years, after splitting from his dad. My son was sharing a rental with his girlfriend, but they split up a year ago and he can't afford the rent on his own and save for a mortgage deposit.
He has never lived in this house.

I started seeing a new man a year ago and every Saturday night he comes to stay the night with me.
We cuddle on the sofa watching a film and at some point during the evening it gets intimate.

I suggested to my son that every Saturday night he should go out.
He's a bit of a loner, let his mates slip away once he was in a long term relationship and so staying out on a Saturday night wasn't to his taste in the slightest.
I want to do what's right for my son and I also want to carry on seeing the man that I have been.

Has anyone been in this situation before or can offer me advice on what to do with regards me having lived a single woman's life for 3 years, now in an intimate relationship and a tad grumpy 22 year old man son about to move in.
Thank you for reading.

Go to your boyfriends house on a sat night?

SurpriseSurprise · 16/08/2022 13:11

Why can’t you start going to his on a Saturday night?

Original poster
Ange324 · 16/08/2022 13:11

Firstly, thank you for your replies. I'm nodding along to each of them. I particularly smiled at the 'take a short walk'.

Actually, the relationship hasn't really developed in a year, it's a very slow burner and has suited me fine after a 23 year marriage previously.
My son has been saving for a mortgage for the last 3 years, he wants his own place rather than pay someone else rent. I agree about a house share, I think it'd be wonderful for him to meet and make new mates, maybe after a few months of me mothering he might look into that.

OP posts:
vaingina · 16/08/2022 13:11

With respect, you don’t have to lay together on the sofa. Sit and snuggle by all means and take the laying upstairs. Use a radio to cover any screams of ecstasy. Good for you for enjoying your relationship and for supporting your son.

gogohmm · 16/08/2022 13:11

We sit on the sofa and cuddle, the adult kids can move out if they don't like it! Obviously proper intimacy belongs in the bedroom but a cuddle is fine in communal areas. Can't he take up online gaming in his bedroom with good headphones Grin. Ours DD's are keen gamers!

gogohmm · 16/08/2022 13:14

I was frank with dd when I met dp, told her about him and he was coming over, she met him and disappeared off to her boyfriends returning the following day. A year later she decided to move in with us (I moved in the interim)

Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 16/08/2022 13:14

Ange324 · 16/08/2022 13:00

He does know about the relationship, but I've yet to introduce the two of them to each other.
The intimacy usually does take part in the bedroom, (apologies, must have been how I phrased it) it's just my son seeing me laying on the sofa with a man that isn't his father that's of concern.

I have told him about Saturday nights in advance and initially he said that was fine, but now as the eviction notice has been served on his place and the time is running out, it now isn't something he likes the idea of. I feel I've compromised to say that he doesn't have to stay out until Sunday morning as long as he understands that he may find a man in the kitchen making tea in the morning. I really don't want to be single again but I also dislike that sense of my son being disappointed in me.

Is DS being actively disapproving about your new relationship or is he just put out about being asked to make himself scarce? I can understand him maybe being a bit anxious about what to do with himself on a Saturday night if he doesn't have friends/a social life but he has absolutely no right to disapprove of your relationship in general, or be 'disappointed in you'.

He can move in and work around your existing life or he can find somewhere else would be my take tbh. That said I'm not sure I'd be asking him to go out every Saturday if he doesn't really have anywhere to go. I think I would just make it clear you'd appreciate the living room to yourselves to watch a film and let him decide whether he goes out or stays in his room. And I wouldn't explain or apologise for anything else, you are allowed to have people staying over and making tea in the mornings in your own home!

Original poster
Ange324 · 16/08/2022 13:15

I wish it was as easy to 'go to his house'. Except.... (feel free to laugh).... the new chap has just moved in with his mother. He split from his partner over a year ago, rented for a bit and is too saving for a large mortgage deposit. I've not met his family either.

OP posts:
onanotherday · 16/08/2022 13:16

Is there not the option to go to your new bf house on some Saturdays? My son and his well being would top any relationship but compromise is the key. What does the bf day about the change in circumstances, does he not offer ideas?

Original poster
Ange324 · 16/08/2022 13:24

Thank you for giving me your time and thoughts on what's playing on my mind. I'm not seeing new chap until Saturday so we're going to chat about it then. It's 3 weeks until son moves in.

You've all given me a lot of things to think about and I'm very grateful to have heard some different perspectives. Many thanks.

OP posts:
midgetastic · 16/08/2022 13:25

Isn't there some way of setting ground rules for relationships - in case your son gets a partner he wants to bring home ?

I think it's not terribly welcoming to be expected to leave the house / his home every week - you can live here but not Saturday is setting him against your new partner in a way

Original poster
Ange324 · 16/08/2022 13:28

Yes, I think you're right on that too. It isn't very welcoming or motherly of me, and you're right again that this becomes his home and I'm asking him to go out every Saturday night does sound awful. I need a rethink on this entirely.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 16/08/2022 13:28

At this point he could be moving into a house share so make sure he knows you’re doing him a favour here.

midgetastic · 16/08/2022 13:30

In your defence - It is hard to work things out when things change and it does feel disruptive

lurker69 · 16/08/2022 13:36

I think you are putting way to much thought into this, just carry on with your normal life he is 22 not 2!

Hopeandlove · 16/08/2022 13:38

Ange324 · 16/08/2022 13:11

Firstly, thank you for your replies. I'm nodding along to each of them. I particularly smiled at the 'take a short walk'.

Actually, the relationship hasn't really developed in a year, it's a very slow burner and has suited me fine after a 23 year marriage previously.
My son has been saving for a mortgage for the last 3 years, he wants his own place rather than pay someone else rent. I agree about a house share, I think it'd be wonderful for him to meet and make new mates, maybe after a few months of me mothering he might look into that.

Why don’t you go your boyfriends on Saturday nights ?