Adult son moving in

[Ange324]

My adult son is about to move in with me.
I've lived alone in the new house I bought for the last 3 years, after splitting from his dad. My son was sharing a rental with his girlfriend, but they split up a year ago and he can't afford the rent on his own and save for a mortgage deposit.
He has never lived in this house.

I started seeing a new man a year ago and every Saturday night he comes to stay the night with me.
We cuddle on the sofa watching a film and at some point during the evening it gets intimate.

I suggested to my son that every Saturday night he should go out.
He's a bit of a loner, let his mates slip away once he was in a long term relationship and so staying out on a Saturday night wasn't to his taste in the slightest.
I want to do what's right for my son and I also want to carry on seeing the man that I have been.

Has anyone been in this situation before or can offer me advice on what to do with regards me having lived a single woman's life for 3 years, now in an intimate relationship and a tad grumpy 22 year old man son about to move in.
Thank you for reading.

That made me laugh, as it's what the new chap said!

Thank you all again for replying with your thoughts. You have helped enormously and I feel much better prepared now in how to resolve the situation.

Bless you, you've got a lot on your plate.

I'd get a TV in my bedroom. Solves the Saturday night cuddles issues!

As for the chores, you just have to lay out your expectations and tell them that this is the way it is here. You put my shit back from where you got it from. You wash up after yourselves etc etc.

That is funny.... 'you put my shit back from where you got it from'!! I'll add that to my speech, it clarifies my ocd aspect perfectly. Thank you 😁😂

My son is 22 and lives with me, he works and contributes with the bills. I will actually be gutted when my son moves out as its been just me and him all his life. I am in a relationship though and we make it work. My son hardly goes out either but you can make it work, it won't be forever.

May I ask how much your son pays?

This is my other dilemma. The 22 year old is having the 'double room'. The 20 year old (goes travelling in October for 6-12 months) is having 'Harry Potters Closet' also know as the small box room. Fits a bed(well it's going to have to fit!!) , has the boiler in it and that's a about it.
The 20 year old has said he should not have to pay as much as the 22 year old based on the size of room. Seems a fair point to me and I want to be fair.
They both need to contribute to the increased bills as I definitely do not think I should be out of pocket when we all work full time. I know already it'll be me buying milk, loo roll etc in much larger quantities so I'm going to be out of pocket.
Our usual take home pay is :
Me :£2000
22: £1700
20: £1600

On my own, after mortgage and bills, I have approximately 600- 650 remaining for food, petrol for work and lipstick!
Oh, I am intending for their fridge freezer to be moved into my kitchen. I can take out a small corner table to fit that in. That will be their fridge freezer. I've no intention of buying their lunch stuff, fizzy pop or pizzas!!

Thank you

@Ange324 my son earns around 1500 a month he gives me 100 a week. I work too but earn less than him. I have the rent to pay and bills and he gets a higher quality Internet as well which I wouldn't have needed. Food costs a fortune too. He often thinks it's alot but if he lived alone he would be paying out a lot more. He still gets to have a 1000 a month to himself which I think is alot. His room is small though. I live in the North east of England so my rent isn't extortionate. I think its good for them to contribute as sets them up for the real world.

I absolutely agree that if they're working, they should be contributing to the bills. My electricity and gas bills will rocket! I'm frugal, I wash up once a day in a bowl, don't have a dishwasher or tumbledryer and only turn the light on when I need to see. I use the washing machine 3 times a week, light stuff which includes bed linen, darks and then towels. Plugs get turned off at night. I don't intend to be in 'profit', but neither do I expect to be out of pocket.

On one hand, the size of the room is irrelevant, as the cost of their usage of gas, electricity and milk consumption etc is unaffected. However, when one has a big airy room and the other a closet with the boiler making noises at 5am, it seems unfair that they both contribute the same. They are both currently paying rent in the same house as their father, the 22 year old pays more as he has a large bedroom with ensuite and his own sitting room. The 20 year old has a decent size double bedroom, and nothing else to call his own and he pays less.

Can I justify that they contribute the same?
For the 4 weeks they are both with me (before youngest goes travelling) I've said they contribute £150 each. After he goes, then eldest is to pay £275 which also covers his £17 a month mobile phone that is on my account, the 25% increase to my council tax and hopefully the increased gas and electricity bills. I've also said that this would be revised if that isn't sufficient to cover the increases we're all expecting to hit us soon.

Good grief! Why!!! Your sons can move into a flatshare like others do at their age. Their needs do not trump yours.

You have every right to be with your new partner but I think it would be unfair to put pressure on your son to "have" to be out every Saturday night.

As a Mother of adult sons I can really see your predicament.
I really don't know what to suggest but I think you're getting a bit of a hard time here, of course you are allowed a private life, your son will have to respect this, that doesn't make you any less of a Mother / person, I really do hope you both manage to reach a compromise.

Thank you. First things first, I need to introduce my sons to the new chap and vice versa before they stumble across him putting the kettle on. Was thinking that I could put a curtain up in front of where the sofa is. Not that there will be anything other than lying down together watching a film going on, but it might make my sons feel more comfortable on their way to the kitchen that they don't need to see me with someone that isn't their father. Or does that sound daft?

This sounds very open ended to me and given what you’ve written about your son, it wouldn’t surprise me it he’s still there in ten years time. If you do this then you will have to have very strong boundaries. Start as you mean to go on and do not do his washing or make his lunches, ask for board and be specific about the amount, house rules needs to be clear (preferably in writing).

It is your house, his ‘disappointment’ in you having a social life or lover is not your business and he is free to find accommodation if he finds it too distressing.

You’re doing him the massive favour, not the other way round. He is now an adult, do not entertain any teenage regression.

Yes, it's the disappointment that's bothering me, and also his, reaction when I suggested he goes out Saturday nights. His first reaction was to say to his father "well, I'm not coming here then". That of course had the effect of making me feel awful and wanting to please. My younger son was more willing to compromise, as he is only going to be with me for the month and is desperate to save as much money as he can so he can travel for longer.

Thank you for your words, I have agreed with everything that everyone has said on here, and now I need to find the right balance as best I can.

I don't know. I just have this image, it's the middle of December. it's raining and dark, your son has nowhere to go but walk the streets/sit in his care and you are tapping your feet, checking your watch and looking out your nice underwear.... I know I am overthinking this btw! But I wouldn't do that to my son (and he is in his early 20s). I think when someone moves in, they move in? This caveat does not sit comfortably with me. He's not saying you can't have guests is he? He's not demanding you change your life? I don't think you understand the pressure of being out when you have nowhere to go....

So your son's both moved into their dads at 16/19? I think you should just be honest and say either they can move in (and actually move into a home that they can stay in!), or tell them it won't work because it doesn't suit your lifestyle. Both of these are clear. What you are offering isn't.

I don't think you need to ask him to go out on Saturday nights, just to mostly stay in his room. That's ok for just one evening per week

OP,

The above is wise.

Unfortunately some males have an inherent entitlement and think that their needs come ahead of everyone's, particularly their mothers.

Many is the son who think he has more entitlement to his mother's home than she has.

Very strong boundaries and NOT EVER giving him the impression this is an open ended arrangement is important.

Before he moves in make it VERY clear that you will review how things are working out.

Any efforts by your son to become territorial about YOUR home should be dealt with ruthlessly.

It often happens with returning sons that their mother having a relationship does not go down well.

A friend of mine had this during Covid when her son returned home.

She has a lovely home and her only son returned having lived away for 5 years.

She is now in a lovely relationship with a man she met through golf having been single for years.

Her son was off with him calling to the house from the minute he returned.

She asked her friends for advice and we were all united in telling her to nip it in the bud very firmly.

So she did.

She told him that she hadn't realised her doing him a big favour would result in him feeling entitled to be rude to her friend.

She told him that he would need to move out as she wasn't tolerating it.

She neither wanted nor needed his approval of her friendship with her boyfriend.

Her firmness resulted in him apologising and asking to stay.

He remained at home for a year and it was a very positive experience overall.

She cites her accepting no bullshit from him as key.

She still is with her lovely partner but has no wish to share her home.

Honestly OP your children are in thier 20's not tiny children. You have sex, big deal, they will have to get over that.

Mine is 19 and pays £250 a month. Our rules are that we do our own washing, we both tidy and clean, he generally cooks for me and we act like a house share not mother and son (in most areas)..

The eldest opted to pay rent with his girlfriend when he was 19 (following the sale of the marital home) as the accommodation I could offer on the house I needed to be able to afford with a mortgage on my own was small and couldn't offer an ensuite or their own sitting room. I did try to find a place with more space and give my son and his girlfriend what they were looking for. The houses I found were double what I could afford. I did not want to rent. I wanted a house, invest the equity into it, which I will always believe was the right thing to do. His father had no intention of getting his own mortgage, so he wanted somewhere to rent too. The three of them decided to rent a house together as it would work out cheaper and they'd get more space.
The youngest who was 16 at the time and starting A levels, lived a month or so with me, and then would go to his dad's and his brothers place for the following month and so on.
When the eldest split from his girlfriend and she moved out the rental, the youngest said that he would move in and pay that share of the rent.

Following the eviction notice they received, it puts the 3 men into their own dilemma. The youngest is off travelling, he doesn't want to and can't afford to pay a rent for the year he may be away. My house is therefore the best place for him for the month and for all his stuff.
You are right, the no where to go does hit my heart and I will chat with him before he moves in to find a compromise and say most of the wise words that have been previously written by those that have replied on here.

This sounds exactly what I'm expecting. I think I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best.

There are so many wise things that people have said, which will help ease the upcoming situation.
The territorial thing is interesting, I hope not. He may feel differently as he has never lived in this house. Youngest isn't impressed that he's being booted out of his room and into the box room, but as he's off exploring for a year, and they both move in on the same day, seems silly if they then need to move stuff around for a second time.
I very much appreciated hearing about your friend, thank you. She's very lucky to have such support.

My friend was mid 50's at the time.

Best advice is do NOT pussy foot around.

Be explicit.

She was.

It was HER home.

She neither wanted nor needed his approval.

She had an adult conversation thatvput him back in his box!!

He had lived separately from his mother happily for 5 years.

She really wasn't seeking for his approval.

This is key.

My solid, excellent😁 advice to you, is do NOT seek his approval of YOUR choices in YOUR home.

Tell him firmly what are your rules and boundaries.

My pal did this FIRMLY and had a 12 months positive experience.

Start as you mean to go.

You do not require his approval.

His first reaction was to say to his father "well, I'm not coming here then". That of course had the effect of making me feel awful and wanting to please.

This is the essence of male privilege.

They show displeasure and you respond by changing to try to please.

Don't do that.

Really, don't do that.

As plenty of people have pointed out, you are the one with the power. You always have been but .... You are doing him a massive favour. It is not for him to show displeasure and you to try and please.

It's not for him to start getting territorial and expressing "disappointment" about how his 'landlord' lives their life. Don't let him establish that kind of relationship with you. It's not for him to do anything but express gratitude.

If you don't get that clear at the start, I predict that you will over time start to notice in him all the things that lead you to break up with his father.

Some serious boundary holding required from you. Not easy, but very very simple. All the best

I think your son is being a bit cheeky. You are both grown ups so live your life as you want.

He will have to get used to it or find somewhere else