Adult son moving in

[Ange324]

My adult son is about to move in with me.
I've lived alone in the new house I bought for the last 3 years, after splitting from his dad. My son was sharing a rental with his girlfriend, but they split up a year ago and he can't afford the rent on his own and save for a mortgage deposit.
He has never lived in this house.

I started seeing a new man a year ago and every Saturday night he comes to stay the night with me.
We cuddle on the sofa watching a film and at some point during the evening it gets intimate.

I suggested to my son that every Saturday night he should go out.
He's a bit of a loner, let his mates slip away once he was in a long term relationship and so staying out on a Saturday night wasn't to his taste in the slightest.
I want to do what's right for my son and I also want to carry on seeing the man that I have been.

Has anyone been in this situation before or can offer me advice on what to do with regards me having lived a single woman's life for 3 years, now in an intimate relationship and a tad grumpy 22 year old man son about to move in.
Thank you for reading.

I think you're over thinking this. Just crack on.

Son, I have a boyfriend, he stays over sometimes.

Boyfriend, my son's coming to live with me so we should be more discreet with our public displays of affection when he's around as we would do in the presence of any third party.

Does your son have a dad he stay with 1 or 2 nights a week?

You are in a weird position juggling two grown men being supported financially by their mothers. Are you one of those people who likes to help people and sacrifice a little too much of yourself in the process by any chance?

Thank you again for your thoughts. The entire background is that my other son, 20, is also moving in. He was paying part of the rental with his brother. He is going travelling for 6 - 12 months in October, so is only here with me for a month. It will be lovely to have both my sons back with me. Having lived alone for 3 years any advice on house rules, as much as I enjoy 'mothering' I don't want to slip into the unpaid, unappreciated domestic help routine on a full time basis. I'm 52, work full time and do have leukaemia, so I get a bit low and fatigued sometimes. It's not an illness you can 'see'.

Based on that last update, if they are not going to be paying you significant rent they need to do all the housework. Cleaning, cooking, washing, the lot. It sounds like you are taking on a lot considering you are also not well. Is their dad not going to help at all?

If he's anything like my son he won't come out of his room except for food!

The most important thing is - before he moves in - set an absolute final date by which he will move out. Otherwise - why would he? And make him do his fair share of the housework, including cooking, or by the time he leaves he'll have forgotten all his skills because Mum always does it.

No one has sex on the sofa.
House rule.

No one is rude to other people's guests.
House rule.

If they can't do that, they can get a flat share

Their dad, the ex husband, was also part of the rental property situation. The youngest initially lived a month here (17 at the time and in 6th form, the covid 6th form), then a month at the rental with his brother, his brothers girlfriend and his dad. When he girlfriend left, the youngest moved in there and paid her share of the rental. So, they've all received the eviction notice. This suits the youngest as he's going off travelling. The ex hubs hasn't decided on his plans, but it's likely he'll move in with his newish girlfriend. He would rent another place, but 22 year old son doesn't want to pay more rent than he is currently paying. So living with me is by far the cheapest option.

If you can't go to your boyfriend's, haven't met his family and he only comes to you once a week...are you sure he's single?

That made me laugh. Yes, I promise he is single. It is just a very slow burner!

OP,

First off, your son's wish to save for a morgage does not give him the right to assume he can live off mum.

Secondly, tell him that his moving back is very much on a trial basis and is NOT open ended.

You will see how it goes.

Some returning children have a huge habit of reverting to using their mother as skivvy given half a chance.

Nip any thoughts of that in the bud.

Be honest, you have enjoyed your space and have no intention of taking on the stress of messy men.

For low rent you expect them to really step up and do lots of jobs.

If the baulk at the idea, tell them both perhaps it isn't a good idea after all.

Play firm, calm, hard ball.

There is NO point trying to do this after they return.

If they agree to your list of them cleaning, washing, shopping, cooking, etc for themselves, then tell them qe will see how it goes on a month by month basis.

Make it clear you are very serious.

Long term a house share could be better for your son.

I'll be brutally honest. I've loved living on my own. From having no time to myself, as often happens being mum, wife, shopper, cooker, cleaner, washer and 50% financial provider, to playing my music when I want, to watching TV in peace, to buying and cooking only when I feel like it and being able to date without feeling like a bad person for doing so.
During covid, I was home, single, and very much isolated because of the blood cancer and I certainly missed company. The boys were my 'bubble' so I was fortunate to see them frequently.

Everything you have said makes absolute sense to me. Everything all of you have said makes absolute sense.

Calm, firm, hardball aren't any words that I'd use to describe myself. Think more, fluffy, panic, don't want to upset anyone and then be judged by my own mother, my sisters if I was to play the hardball. A lot to think about and as daft as it may sound, I'm going to write it down, have a, meeting with the boys, and let them know what my expectations are and they can let me know what theirs are. It's the older son that I'm worried about, the youngest feels appreciative that he can live here, leave all his stuff, go travelling and return to the little box room (they're calling it Harry Potters closet' as it can only fit a bed!)

How about a sit down at the beginning and -

Hey boys, lovely to have you here and thought we'd establish how it might work, right from the beginning. First of all, I have become used to living alone, and although I welcome you to share my home while you need to, I'd like to make a couple of things clear.

1. I have a boyfriend who comes for the evening and a sleepover every Saturday. Sometimes you'll be home when he's here, sometimes not, but we generally have something to eat, a film, and please ourselves as that's our night. I won't be changing that arrangement and I'm sure you wouldn't expect me to.
2. I clear up after myself, and I expect you to do the same for yourselves. You'll be living here, but it won't be my job to 'look after' you.
3. I'll cook for you sometimes, and I'd like you to cook for me too...
4. Clear communication between us will help this to work.

Is there anything you'd like to say or ask?

Wow. That's a fantastic message, thank you so much for taking the time. It's perfect!

I believe this Sunday is the first stage of the moving operation. Clear out the spare bedrooms. A good opportunity to have that first proper chat and give the eldest the chance to change his mind if he wants to. I hope he doesn't though, we've lived 3 years apart, it would be good to see him eat something different than just pizza every night.

There is nothing juvenile about a relationship which consists of spending time together and enjoying each others company. OP does not need to "grow up". There is absolutely no need to move in together, get married or spend more time together unless both parties want to.

OP has arranged her relationship as suits her current needs which is very adult and obviously her boyfriend is also content with the arrangement.

@Ange324 your post has made me laugh, I'm in similar position but 10 years on! Only difference is I've never lived alone, youngest still with me, but next oldest son wants to move back in after about 7 years, fed up of job and wondering whether to do some travelling, think he's having early midlife crisis😁.
The way I see it is we are all single adults and it's more like a house share, years ago i told them they were welcome to bring girlfriends (or boyfriends for that matter) back if they wanted to and i would expect them to be discrete/polite/respectful if I did the same. (none of us has but live in hope😂) To be honest I think you will find that they mostly live in their rooms in front of their computers leaving you with the living room to do what you want, descending to the kitchen when they want food/drink. Fortunately I have an ensuite so don't need to share a bathroom........ Now I would draw the line at that🤔 relax, if you want to a list of jobs/rules expectations could be put up if you feel they will take advantage. I never have but was wondering about this before middle son moves back in, only because I know the volume of washing/pots ect will increase but I'm quite relaxed about that kind of thing and because of that if I ask them to do anything they jump to it without any aggro. I know some people think it's weird for adult sons to live with their mum but, to be honest, I see it as a compliment....... I obviously don't do their heads in, they would never live with their dad😊

You need to be the one to set the rules here.

Yes, he is very welcome but your boyfriend stays over and you want no attitude from him about that. He needs to contribute financially (even a token) and do his fair share of chores and you absolutely will not be falling into the trap of doing his laundry and cleaning his room!

The boys are both going to contribute towards the bills. My council tax increases by 25% and as I opt for a jumper and bed socks when it's chilly, they prefer the t shirt look all year round, then they need to contribute to the gas and electric. The oven, rather than on once a day at most, will be on significantly more I'd imagine. Youngest works shifts and has one day off every two weeks (he's saving for his travelling) and the eldest works early morning until the afternoon, 2 days off a week, one of those is always a Sunday.

I'd rather do the laundry in one hit, as now I'm also thinking about costs, saves money and I then I only need to listen to the washing machine when I want to.

Sadly, no ensuites here. I bought the house on a mortgage I could afford, and I've one bathroom that contains the only loo, sink and bath with a hosepipe attachment.

The boys used to help out when asked when we lived as a family in the marital home, but we've all changed so much since then. They, with their father, it was pretty much self survival. Washing up was a constant agg between them all, no one cleaned the loos in their house, definitely 3 grown men living in a house share! They'd wash their own clothes and then leave them in the machine, next man comes along, tips out the smelly damp clothes onto the floor, washes his own clothes, takes them out, puts smelly damp clothes back in! 😂
I've laughed many many times listening to all of their struggles living together away from 'mum'.

I think I will do their heads in. Take any item in my house, I put it back where it's meant to be so I can find it next time. Screwdrivers, scissors, sellotape. I know exactly where stuff is.
I genuinely thought that the 3 men that were in my life living together would be good for them all, not having me do everything for them, make them independent but get them working together and sharing the necessary chores. Not a chance. They all begrudge each other for not doing what they haven't done themselves. They get on great, just not where chores come into play.

now as the eviction notice has been served on his place and the time is running out, it now isn't something he likes the idea of.

So is it the son who doesn't like the idea of you continuing your relationship and wants you to change your life to suit him.

I think that's really not on. Does he want to move into your home ? If so, he should be the one making the accommodations.

They get on great, just not where chores come into play.

This does not sound as if they are ideal house share candidates. I like the idea of house meeting up thread and encourage you to set out your stall early and be just a tad more formal than you need to be. Definitely rota for bog cleaning followed by a meal together only once it's all done.

Good luck. They might not have learned these skills growing up. Now is the perfect time to have another go. If you give in and do it for them (again) it will be a list opportunity. Good luck

You're doing your son a massive favour, he's a grown up, he needs to deal with it.
If he doesn't like it he can stay in his room!

Hopefully they'll take on board what you say. But i'd have a plan if they huff when your DP is round and leave all the housework to you. They're adults, not little boys, so can say if it doesn't work for you, they're out.

I hope your ex doesn't want to move back in as well!

It doesn't surprise me at all that this situation is more commonplace. Have you seen the state of the housing market?

Suggest your son gets a Saturday evening job?;maybe pulling pints in a pub/nightclub or delivering takeaway food.

Gets him out of the house and earning some extra cash towards a deposit.

*The ex hubs hasn't decided on his plans, but it's likely he'll move in with his newish girlfriend.
*
No one falls in love faster than a man needing a place to live.

The new girlfriend is a lucky woman with a possible cocklodger on her hands.

Thank god you divorced this prince.