Is it likely this man will find true love?

[Lookingtothefuturenow]

This is my ex, and silly me, I thought I was different to his many exes, and am questioning why I stayed with him for almost 5 years-
He's almost 60 and this was his longest relationship, never married; told me at the end he didn't love me and when I asked said he'd never loved any of his exes; never felt deep emotions - didn't shed a tear when his parents and only brother died; said he knew I was mad about him but he didn't feel the same about me; had a superior attitude at times; I was basically discarded like a piece of trash. Yet again, I'm thinking I'll be "the one before" a man finds his true love. I don't want him back but dreading hearing about/ seeing him with someone else. How do I change my thinking like this?

By thanking your lucky stars you have a dodged a bullet and avoided a life of misery with a man with the emotional capacity of a cardboard box?

I can see now he's probably emotionally unavailable. A mutual friend saw him at a party after breakup and he was in great form, knocking back the drinks and dancing non stop, while I was still heartbroken, even though I'm over that stage now.

@Lookingtothefuturenow in my experience someone like him wouod he unlikely to find anyone else. You’re feeling worse because he’s detached in such a cold way. Once you do the same you will likely not care about whether he meets someone else. I say that through bitter experience - once I realised he wasn’t all that, suddenly the amount I cared about him finding another relationship (and the injustice I would have found in that!) became around 10% care compared with 90.

you will get to that point but it sadly just takes time, as trite as that sounds. If he wants to be a dick like that at 60 then let him!!

@Lookingtothefuturenow as for being at a party … it’s all well and good when you’re drinking and socialising. When he’s sat at home on an autumn evening with nobody to talk to it wil look a little different for him.

Oh I’m always always ‘the one before!’

every. Single. Godamn. Time!

@guiltyab I say that through bitter experience - once I realised he wasn’t all that, suddenly the amount I cared about him finding another relationship (and the injustice I would have found in that!) became around 10% care compared with 90.

How long did it take you to get to that stage?

@Lookingtothefuturenow it came and went, after maybe two months I started changing my perspective and then it was up and down for a couple of months, one day not caring and the next thinking about it lots. Six months on I genuinely couldn’t have cared less and had I known he was in a relationship I’d have been sure it wouldn’t last. Come on, this guy is sixty with a shit relationship history, even if you are bothered, in practise he’s unlikely to go on to have a long term relationship.

He sounds like a psychopath.

I'd just be glad you escaped without ending up.buried under his fkg patio.

Fk worrying about who.might end up with his nearly 60 yr old, never committed, psychopathically cold and detached old arse.

A 60 year old man who has never connected to anyone emotionally properly previously is not going to suddenly completely change who he is. He may well find another girlfriend but it won’t be «true love». If you want that connection, then he was not and will not be the man for you. You are not compatible. By breaking up he has given you the chance to find someone who will love you in the way you want to be loved. Try to focus on that rather than wishing this man was someone who he isn’t.

He doesn't want true love, whatever that is

has been lying to you through this and saying he loves you?

At 60 and with his attitude / beliefs / personality he is not going to find true love, and it sounds like he has no interest in doing so. It’s not you it’s him etc.

I hope some of the last 5 years were fun, and now it’s time to look forward.

@EmmaH2022 has been lying to you through this and saying he loves you?

He said it to me only a handful of times and in a gruff or annoyed tone in response to me saying it to him first and even then only after he'd had a few drinks, so hence I didn't say it often.

I see. He won't really love anyone, just likes having company.

sorry.

i'm sure you are lovely! You deserve better.

Sounds like he doesn't experience empathy. You can’t be in a healthy loving relationship with someone like that if you need the deeper connection, and at 60 this is definitely a pattern.

Get this man out of your head and move on.
He won’t find a ‘true love’ connection and doesn’t want it.

Reading all these helps me to be glad I'm out of this relationship now. For me it's just taken time to break the emotional bond to him as I consider myself a warm person.

I was involved with someone very like this. They take time to get over. Mine turned stone cold at the end. I'm glad I'm away from him now.

@Luredbyapomegranate I hope some of the last 5 years were fun, and now it’s time to look forward.

I'm doing my best now to be positive and look to the future- hence my username! Before this I'd only one previous relationship and was very happily single for years. Since this breakup I've had awful anxiety, just don't feel myself and have low self-esteem- it's actually put me off ever being in a relationship again.

Anyone who's been through something similar, how long did it take you to get to the stage of being happy single again after a breakup?

True love...lol...we're not in a Disney film.

Also, you do realise you've just described a psychopath right? They don't experience the same range of emotions we do. There will be a next partner and a next until he finds one who tolerates his bs or never realises what he is. That's not finding a true love though, just finding a good victim.

@Pinkbonbon Also, you do realise you've just described a psychopath right?

I looked up the traits and was quite shocked at how many he has. I'm by no means perfect but it really opened my eyes. He was critical of me at times also.

Yet again, I'm thinking I'll be "the one before" a man finds his true love

Hold up OP, what do you mean "yet again" - he's only your second serious relationship? So you haven't exactly got a long history of being someone's "starter girlfriend" that they then discard and marry the next!

In any case this man sounds like an absolute horrible prick - I'd urge you to have a think about why you've stuck around for so long putting up with his criticism and grudging half-arsed declarations of affection.

My STBXH has announced he’s met someone new. He’s made quite drastic changes - changes he wouldn’t make for me/us 🙄 It’s hard to see that he was capable of these changes after all. However, I know it won’t last and it was right for us to split.

I came across this article which I’ve found really helpful and you might too: www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com/post/psa-there-s-no-dream-woman-out-there-who-will-magically-make-your-trifling-man-act-right

I know, I'm kicking myself that I did stay around so long and ignored certain red flags.

@ThisWormHasTurned Good article, makes me feel better.