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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

MIL upset because DP brother was coming to visit us.

65 replies

butterflywings24 · 15/08/2022 13:02

Sorry for this long post, I'm hoping with the background, someone offer some good advice on how to deal with this.

I have fallen out of grace with my MIL recently, I have seen her mask has slipped and she's not the sweet generous lady she made out she was, but a manipulative and mean lady. She massively influences her sons and seems to have no care for my boundaries, even trying to cast me in a bad light when I am organising something, I have over the years allowed her to dominate situations to keep the peace, many times in my own home, only saving grace is she's not on our doorstep so has to be an organised visit. She seems to be able to manipulate my DP into agreeing with her antics as if it's acceptable behaviour, when by my standards I feel it's toxic and Unhealthy, yet my DP defends her actions as if it's a perfectly normal things to do.

To give you an idea, we invited his parents up for the day for DP birthday, even though she's still got a bee in her bonnet about the last thing she tore through my boundaries on, but I am trying for my DP sake, she said no.
Then on Friday I thought what if I can organise getting his parents up and his brother and partner as a surprise BBQ, so I invited them all, little awkward with MIL as she doesn't usually respond to my texts so BIL asked on my behalf, told her it was a surprise to my DP. She still didn't want to come. Come his birthday, she called my DP and spoilt the surprise and told him they was coming up and she was not happy about it, saying she's upset they are coming up and feels left out, and is not happy with us all. My DP was furious at me for organising the surprise and tells me to call them and stop them from coming as his mother is upset. I felt terrible as they had left and had to abort the visit. I apologised to them both, not fully understanding what the hell has happened here.

I just need to ask for advice on how do I handle her, as I have for years kept the peace, I am not a confrontational person, Im polite and probably a people pleaser, that's not worked for me so I have to stand up for myself with how she's treating me.

Im just getting bad anxiety about what's going to happen next, I just don't know what to say about the next time my DP suggests them visiting or us visiting them.

My SIL told me my MIL has told her she doesn't like me, I just feel her antics lately have been cruel towards me and we have not had words at all, she just makes sure my DP puts me firmly in my place. DP so afraid of upsetting his mother but not bothered about upsetting me.

OP posts:
ZeroFucksGivenToday · 15/08/2022 13:12

I think you have a DP problem. So you tried to organise something nice, tried to include the mean cow, she then ruined the surprise and your "DP" had a go at you over it?

do you have children or are you planning any? Because if you have, I'd run far far away.

if not, refuse to engage at all, fuck that for a game of soldiers, let DP sort all comms, including cards, presents and organisation of stuff. But caveat she is not to step foot in your house again.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 15/08/2022 13:13

Very genuinely though, I'd be seriously re-evaluating my life with someone who was so callous when I tried to do something nice for them.

tell him to go back to mummy and you find yourself a grown up that doesn't "put you in your place".

frazzledasarock · 15/08/2022 13:15

Do you want to spend your life with a man who fights with you to keep his mother happy?

he doesn’t sound like a partner at all, you’re not equals, it’s him doing his mummy’s bidding and you having to put up with it.

Don’t have kids with him.

MichelleScarn · 15/08/2022 13:15

Dp problem. So he can veteo people coming to your home? So can you. Say PIL not to come any longer.
I wouldn't waste my free time visiting them either. It's always going to have a hostile feel.

godmum56 · 15/08/2022 13:17

what all the others have said....why do you stay?

IggyAce · 15/08/2022 13:19

You definitely have a DP problem and since he doesn’t have your back I think you need to re-evaluate this relationship.
I’d tell your partner how disappointed you are by his behaviour when you tried to do something nice and I’d tell him you will no longer engage with MIL. He’ll need to sort birthday & Christmas gifts for her, he’ll have to go visit her and you won’t be joining him.

Mulhollandmagoo · 15/08/2022 13:20

Did you tell your DP that you had invited his parents TWICE to this gathering and they refused? and what did your BIL say when your contacted him to cancel? surely they don't just accept this and see nothing wrong with it?

lamaze1 · 15/08/2022 13:23

Your problem is your "D"P. If he set boundaries with her and didn't allow his mother to treat you like this, it wouldn't be happening. Your DP is telling you loud and clear that you don't matter. Personally I wouldn't be able to tolerate that.

Also in future don't organise anything for your DP's birthday. Leave him to organise and run (house clean, cooking etc) his parents visits. Sit back and relax or go away.

If you don't have kids, I wouldn't bring them into this dynamic whereby you're constantly being undermined by your DP and MIL.

Thornethorn · 15/08/2022 13:24

It's your husband that's at fault. Can you clarify exactly why he was cross with you? Surely he didn't criticise you just for organising a surprise? What was the angle?

Spohn · 15/08/2022 13:25

Your boyfriend isn’t bothered about upsetting you, and you’re scurrying about trying to build a relationship with a boyfriends relatives who’ve made it very clear they’re not interested in you. Why bother? They’re nothing to do with you. He can see them when he wants, stay out of it.

StClare101 · 15/08/2022 13:27

Your DP sounds like a dick. I wouldn’t hang around…

lamaze1 · 15/08/2022 13:27

Also "My DP was furious at me"... WTF. You were doing something nice for him and this is how he responds? You may well be a people pleaser, but please realise your worth. You deserve better than this. You're also not going to change the dynamic here, she clearly doesn't like you and was deliberately trying to provoke an argument. Did your DP listen to the fact that she turned down 2 invitations?

SkirridHill · 15/08/2022 13:28

Delete the DP. He's your problem. My own DM is the sort who, over the years, would absolutely try and torpedo a social event that she couldn't attend (for whatever reason).

My siblings and I have adapted to this by simply ignoring her.

If she were to ring me and say you can't have your DB at your party because I can't/won't come, I'd laugh down the phone at her.

Original poster
butterflywings24 · 15/08/2022 13:54

We don't have kids together, he has two grown up kids/adults.

I did tell him we invited her again and she said no on Friday, but he just bulldozed over it.

He was very cross with me for the surprise and said he doesn't want it, then when his brother rang to talk about it, he lied to his brother saying he had a busy day doing stuff ( that he made up on the spot) ! Very bizarre behaviour from DP.

He said to me that his mother had fallen out with SIL/BIL I said how can that me as BIL spoke to her about coming up for the surprise, he wouldn't do that if they had fallen out, BIL went down to his mothers afterwards and asked what was going on but she refused to talk to him, and was been Mardy with him, not explaining herself.
I am told SIL is getting the same treatment as me.

I just find it all very strange,

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/08/2022 14:13

The word you want to use here is dysfunctional; not merely "strange".

Your DP will always put his mother's wishes before yours or his own because he has been conditioned to accept this from her. He for his part is mired in fear, obligation and guilt re his mother and his own inertia when it comes to her hurts him as much as you. He has been led to believe that the sky will fall in on him if she is upset in any way so kowtows to her. She was not a good parent to him when he was growing up and she has not changed since his own childhood.

I would seriously consider whether you want to stay with this man because this will be your life going forward as well. Your own people pleasing nature has played into her hands completely. Such toxic people like his mother really do see kindness as weakness. For your part you need to up your boundaries here urgently but are you able to do this?. Would you have tolerated this from a friend?. No you may not have done. And his mother is really no different.

Original poster
butterflywings24 · 15/08/2022 14:23

DP is the problem, when I tried to walk away from a previous issue caused by them trying to force me to do something I was uncomfortable with, and they was saying I was the problem, when they was walking all over my boundaries, my DP didn't want us to throw away what we have, but he's so brainwashed by his mother he doesn't see how she's showing no empathy for my boundaries, I had to have a year of counselling to help me get through last year after she tore into me via my partner, as I was too quiet and didn't talk to her enough, I had chronic pain last year, taking heavy pain relief, but I wasn't allowed to let it spoil my in-laws holiday that we visited for the night, I didn't moan at all just got on with it but was very difficult time for me, just was too quiet and didn't do enough to make her feel good, so she actually told my partner then she didn't want to see me anymore. We have been together a long time, share a home.

OP posts:
Unforgettablefire · 15/08/2022 14:30

You're perfectly within your rights to have nothing more to do with this woman. She's the mil from hell and why should you have her in your home when she's said she doesn't like you? Ask your dp how he would feel entertaining someone in his own home that's said he doesn't like him.

Spohn · 15/08/2022 14:31

You don’t need advice on how to handle her, she’s nothing to do with you. Your boyfriend can have contact with his relatives, no reason for you to be involved.

Enjoy a peaceful, drama-free life.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 15/08/2022 14:33

So, very honestly. Why do you stay? This won't get better.
Has he remotely apologised for his behaviour? And again, lying to his brother about being busy, makes you look flaky/in the wrong. You shouldn't take the blame. Tell his brother it was because of their mums tantrum he cancelled.

He doesn't want to lose what he's got with you, but he's making no concessions to changing or acknowledging how you feel.

Honestlh. You've needed counselling because of his mum, and he still treats you like this.

Please walk away. You deserve so so much better than this. He should be delighted you planned something. Not being furious with you.

lisavanderpumpscloset · 15/08/2022 14:33

If you want to stay with your DP, I would back completely away from their relationship and let him manage it with them. That's the only way my DH was able to see how toxic his folks are.

No more trying to include them, no more trying to maintain their relationship, just let him get on with it (or not).

When it falls back on you (which it will) have your response ready. ie. 'I backed off because nothing I do is good enough (insert examples here) so I thought best to let you and DP get on with it. I can see it's working (insert wry smile here)' and then change the subject

hotfroth · 15/08/2022 14:39

Cripes. She's a toxic narcissistic nightmare if ever there was one, and your DP has probably been under her thumb all his life, poor bloke. However, that doesn't mean he is in the clear because he should be able to prevent her from upsetting you, and he's not doing that. He doesn't have your back at all, does he?

Don't have anything more to do with her, I agree with a pp - she's your DP's mother, so let him get on with it.

People like this don't change, so it might be time to start thinking whether you are prepared to tolerate your DP enabling her, or whether this relationship has reached the end of its tether.

Fenella123 · 15/08/2022 14:55

...Ask BiL and SiL (who sound sane) is they can recommend someone they know who is single, has the good points of your soon-to-be-ex-DP, but doesn't do this shit...
They may be sympathetic!

Angiemum24 · 15/08/2022 14:55

Your mother in law is a socialpath, your partner is turning into one too as you mil brought him up.
You heed to sit down with your partner with a list of the things she has done. Reverse it and tell to him like its him and your mum.
Thell him (if he doesn't know) about the counseling you had. Tell him you need your boundaries respected of things will gave to end.
You should have to live like this.

Original poster
butterflywings24 · 15/08/2022 15:22

Zerofucksgiventoday
He doesn't see he's done anything wrong in his attitude and response towards me, it's how he usually is with me, he's often rude and mean in how he corresponds with me,
Angiemum24
I did sit him down last month, tried to get my point across, he's very difficult to talk with, over talks me and bamboozles me, my head is always fried afterwards and feels like I've got nowhere but he thinks hes right in Everything he does.

so throw this into the mix and I really don't know how long I can take him and his dysfunctional (changed from strange) mother.

When I initially called SIL to cancel I told her the truth, so BIL knows the reason, which is why he went around for an explanation from his mother, but she was being awkward with him, sounds like refusing to face up to the truth that she had spoilt it for everyone. But it's never her fault, she thinks she's a victim.

I do feel I need to keep her away from me, he can go up to see them at Christmas, we are usually the ones having everyone up to us, as have more room, she comes up and takes over our house as if it's hers, I will never let her do that again after these recent shenanigans!

OP posts:
Cantbeliveyoufakeit · 15/08/2022 15:31

DP and MIL sound like two peas in a pod tbh, every bit as bad as each other and utterly toxic to everyone around them. Removing yourself from the dynamic is your only way forward here, either by point blank refusing to have anything to do with her or his relationship with her (tricky but sometimes doable) or by leaving your DP and ridding yourself of his family completely. Which you do is up to you but the disloyalty, disregard and disrespect your DP shows you must be very hard for you to take and may well slowly kill your love for him even if you stay.