MIL upset because DP brother was coming to visit us.

[butterflywings24]

Sorry for this long post, I'm hoping with the background, someone offer some good advice on how to deal with this.

I have fallen out of grace with my MIL recently, I have seen her mask has slipped and she's not the sweet generous lady she made out she was, but a manipulative and mean lady. She massively influences her sons and seems to have no care for my boundaries, even trying to cast me in a bad light when I am organising something, I have over the years allowed her to dominate situations to keep the peace, many times in my own home, only saving grace is she's not on our doorstep so has to be an organised visit. She seems to be able to manipulate my DP into agreeing with her antics as if it's acceptable behaviour, when by my standards I feel it's toxic and Unhealthy, yet my DP defends her actions as if it's a perfectly normal things to do.

To give you an idea, we invited his parents up for the day for DP birthday, even though she's still got a bee in her bonnet about the last thing she tore through my boundaries on, but I am trying for my DP sake, she said no.
Then on Friday I thought what if I can organise getting his parents up and his brother and partner as a surprise BBQ, so I invited them all, little awkward with MIL as she doesn't usually respond to my texts so BIL asked on my behalf, told her it was a surprise to my DP. She still didn't want to come. Come his birthday, she called my DP and spoilt the surprise and told him they was coming up and she was not happy about it, saying she's upset they are coming up and feels left out, and is not happy with us all. My DP was furious at me for organising the surprise and tells me to call them and stop them from coming as his mother is upset. I felt terrible as they had left and had to abort the visit. I apologised to them both, not fully understanding what the hell has happened here.

I just need to ask for advice on how do I handle her, as I have for years kept the peace, I am not a confrontational person, Im polite and probably a people pleaser, that's not worked for me so I have to stand up for myself with how she's treating me.

Im just getting bad anxiety about what's going to happen next, I just don't know what to say about the next time my DP suggests them visiting or us visiting them.

My SIL told me my MIL has told her she doesn't like me, I just feel her antics lately have been cruel towards me and we have not had words at all, she just makes sure my DP puts me firmly in my place. DP so afraid of upsetting his mother but not bothered about upsetting me.

Your last post makes him sound even worse, honestly OP you deserve so much better than him

Why do you stay with him? What are your options? People don't change so it's up to you to remove yourself from the situation

See a solicitor so at least you know your options even if you do decide to stay.

As for christmas, it sounds like you get bulldozed by both your DP and your MIL so don't bank on them not coming. If you find yourself with unwanted guests take yourself off to a hotel for a few days if you can afford it and leave them to it. Suspect you'd have a nicer time. In fact do it anyway as your DP sounds bloody horrible.

The more you say the worse it gets. He is just as much of an arse as his mother. The apple has clearly not fallen all that far from the tree.

Honestly, do you really want to put up with this shit for decades to come?

Can'tbelieveyoufakeit
I am going to try the keeping away from her route first, but know my P will be unhappy when I refuse to accommodate her visiting, so that may lead to me having to grow some balls and ends things.
Rogwort
I stay because he can be lovely too, Jekyll and Hyde character, and my confidence has taken a battering in our relationship. I just need to work on building my self esteem, counselling helped.

OP get some legal advice as to how you’d go about splitting with joint assets and not being married.

its good to be well informed. Then you can plan accordingly.

"I stay because he can be lovely too, Jekyll and Hyde character, and my confidence has taken a battering in our relationship".

Abusers can indeed be lovely sometimes because if they were not, no-one would want to be with them. The rotten apple that is this man did not fall far from the rotten tree that is his family in the shape of his mother.

"I just need to work on building my self esteem, counselling helped".

This will all take time and trying to do this whilst you are still with him under the same roof is going to be extremely difficult. I would urge you to plan your exit from this, with assistance from Womens Aid, with due care and attention. Knowledge here too is power and the Freedom Programme is something I would also urge you to complete.

Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by previous abuse in relationships, are really being got at her both by this man and his overbearing abusive mother. Take back control of your life here before it gets subsumed completely by these two horrors.

And what you see from him in terms of him being nice is merely the nice part of the nice/nasty abuse cycle which is a continuous one.

How else can you be helped here into leaving?.

Surely any decent therapist would explain the root of your issues - as even I can see- are him?
Save a fortune and get rid.
Must be hard having sex with that cord still attached op...

I suspect your self esteem would rapidly improve if you were free of your DP and mil.

honestly he's always going to be like this. You should really think do you want to spend the rest of your life like this ?

Your MIL sounds dreadful and your DP is vile. He is like his mum, controlling and selfish and thinks he (and along with his mum) is the centre of the universe. Tramples on your feelings. Talks over you. Thinks your opinions don't count.

Read your descriptions of him in your posts again.... he doesn't sound like a loving, supportive, respectful partner, which is the least you deserve.

My thoughts exactly.

Thank you everyone, I'm going to purchase the freedom programme, anything to help build my confidence, I am dreading the next conversation about his parents visiting as I know it's going to be a difficult one.

I think I don't understand their behaviour as it's alien to me to behave in such a manner.

My P did try and lie about how his mother feels about me in order to get me to agree to them visiting, saying she doesn't have a problem with me, but I know 100% she does, my SIL confirming it. And obviously ruining my surprise certainly tells me that too.

OP it sounds awful but he’s honestly just the male version of his mother and that won’t change.

i would phone her and have it out with her. Ask her why she had to ruin the surprise.

She sounds like my MIL.
Lovely woman as long as you don’t interfere with her distorted view of herself. She has to be at the centre of every gathering, if you invite her she will invite other people or tell other people not to come etc.
About 2 years ago she pushed me too far and I completely dropped the rope. I don’t organise or facilitate anything - I leave it all to DH and don’t go to see her at all.
She now tells everyone I won’t let DH visit her and keep her GC from her while the truth is they see her as often as they want to.
The big difference is that DH is supportive and doesnt try and pursue me to do anything and appreciates my position. without that I don’t think it could work

Exactly and @AttilaTheMeerkat is right - "trying to do this whilst you are still with him under the same roof is going to be extremely difficult". If this was a physical illness you'd agree that you cannot fully recover when you are still in the situation that is making you sick in the first past, can you?

Here's the thing - of course you don't understand this behaviour as it's NOT normal. Don't even try to analyse it as you'll go mad. That whole story of the surprise party sounds bonkers. But it IS normal to your partner as he grew up with it, hence why he is so confident that you are wrong and he and his mother are right. Your (normal) reactions are genuinely strange to him.

You say you've been in the relationship with partner a long time, are you falling into the "sunken costs fallacy" trap? This means you are focused on your past investments in the relationship instead of the present and future costs and benefits, meaning you make decisions that are no longer in your best interests.

When the conversation about his parents visiting next comes up, try not to engage with him. Find your strength, be clear what you are or are not prepared to accept, and refuse to let him persuade you to anything else. If that means you go away during the next visit and leave them to it, so be it. As you said, that might be the tipping point for it all to end, and you sound like you are beginning to accept that outcome anyway.

Since the incident in March my DP has visited his parents every month without me, she's done nothing to smooth over how she treated me, and know she will not as she thinks she's done nothing wrong, she likes to be the centre of attention too and if at all it's taken away from her she tends to shun you, I had a life changing operation after suffering the chronic pain all of last year, I heard not a thing from her wishing me well, 2 weeks later, I asked my P how come I've not heard anything from his mother, he said she had asked him how I was, he just hadn't mentioned it to me! I just felt he was lying as he knew it would not bowed well to how he makes her out like a lovely kind caring women. I would like his support with her, but from what I've learned so far from his behaviour after his mother has reacted, he's firmly by her side, it might take me leaving him for him to realise how vindictive she has been towards me, When it will be too late then!

The trouble is he just doesn't care enough about you. If you were really important to him he would have done something about it.

Why did your P’s previous relationship breakdown? Anything to do with his controlling mother and his spineless mamas boy tendencies?

It's not her you need to handle. It's mummy's likkle soldier. He's pathetic.

All of the above - you need to leave. His mother is a toxic narcissist, I should know my mother was as well. Good luck.

Just to add to what everyone else has said: don't believe for a second that she's upset. She flies into a petulant rage when everyone isn't dancing to her tune. That's not the same as being upset. It's manipulation.
I take it you're not married to mummy's boy. (so she's not your actual MIL). You could get out of this terrible relationship now and have a better future.

Are you sure that your SIL is entirely on your side, and not doing a bit of cauldron stirring of her own?

He sounds just like his mother tbh. Lying and talking over people. Demanding and manipulative.