Sorry for this long post, I'm hoping with the background, someone offer some good advice on how to deal with this.
I have fallen out of grace with my MIL recently, I have seen her mask has slipped and she's not the sweet generous lady she made out she was, but a manipulative and mean lady. She massively influences her sons and seems to have no care for my boundaries, even trying to cast me in a bad light when I am organising something, I have over the years allowed her to dominate situations to keep the peace, many times in my own home, only saving grace is she's not on our doorstep so has to be an organised visit. She seems to be able to manipulate my DP into agreeing with her antics as if it's acceptable behaviour, when by my standards I feel it's toxic and Unhealthy, yet my DP defends her actions as if it's a perfectly normal things to do.
To give you an idea, we invited his parents up for the day for DP birthday, even though she's still got a bee in her bonnet about the last thing she tore through my boundaries on, but I am trying for my DP sake, she said no.
Then on Friday I thought what if I can organise getting his parents up and his brother and partner as a surprise BBQ, so I invited them all, little awkward with MIL as she doesn't usually respond to my texts so BIL asked on my behalf, told her it was a surprise to my DP. She still didn't want to come. Come his birthday, she called my DP and spoilt the surprise and told him they was coming up and she was not happy about it, saying she's upset they are coming up and feels left out, and is not happy with us all. My DP was furious at me for organising the surprise and tells me to call them and stop them from coming as his mother is upset. I felt terrible as they had left and had to abort the visit. I apologised to them both, not fully understanding what the hell has happened here.
I just need to ask for advice on how do I handle her, as I have for years kept the peace, I am not a confrontational person, Im polite and probably a people pleaser, that's not worked for me so I have to stand up for myself with how she's treating me.
Im just getting bad anxiety about what's going to happen next, I just don't know what to say about the next time my DP suggests them visiting or us visiting them.
My SIL told me my MIL has told her she doesn't like me, I just feel her antics lately have been cruel towards me and we have not had words at all, she just makes sure my DP puts me firmly in my place. DP so afraid of upsetting his mother but not bothered about upsetting me.