Is anyone really happy out there?!

[WhenIsEnough]

I honestly wonder where the good men are. Mine has been a beast this weekend but when I try to say ‘that behaviour was inappropriate’ he twists it back at me and won’t hear it. E.g. walking off in a strop on arrival into London, saying he was going off to the pub and not going to theatre with me or my DS’s, after being furious youngest wouldn’t listen to him about not bringing a bag with him. DD1 has anxiety so for him to do that was unforgivable. He stomped off and then finally after feeling like we’d all been punished enough, settled down and we went for food and to theatre together.

But we live in fear of his next outburst. It’s quite common for him to walk off like this and behave erratically putting us all down and then blowing up and then acting like nothing happened afterwards and when challenged, he is never in the wrong.

And then I come on here and read about more horrid men. Tell me, what does actual married happiness look like?!!

You cannot live like this, treading on eggshells. Can you make plans to leave?

Happy marriage doesn’t look or feel like this, as well you know. You and your DC deserve better. You deserve to feel safe. Do you have family and/or friends?

You know you’re not happy and that this isn’t what you want.
anyone else’s relationship is irrelevant.

You do know he is abusive? And it’s effecting your children.

Because happily married people have no need to post.

Please don't judge what "most relationships" look like based on the relationships board.

I'm really happy, have been since Christmas when I realised my husband, who is just like yours, will never change and I decided to LTB

I’m sure you know other people are happy. And that your husband is abusive and damaging your children and you. Hearing about other marriages and families isn’t going to make any difference to your own. You need to kick him out and protect your children. They only have you to stand up for them.

Sorry you are going through this. My dad was exactly the same - tantrums, colossal sulks, walking off, threatening to divorce my very patient mum, always causing rows on other people's birthdays so he could be centre of attention. It's shit for you and it's a really bad environment for your children to grow up in, I think MN is heavily skewed towards being a venting space for women whose marriages are like this. No one comes on here to rant on about how happy they are - no need.

FWIW, I have a happy marriage. I actively chose a man as different from my dad as I could find. He is calm, gentle, never needs to be the centre of attention. He puts DC first always. He is fair and kind to me, goes out of his way to be supportive. He is funny. He's interested in the family and what we're up to and pays attention, doing things like booking surprise tickets to gigs he knows we'd like. He cooks amazing food. He's not perfect by a long way and neither am I. But he is good and calm and kind.

In terms of your DH, while you are still with him or if you decide to stay, you need to minimise the damage done to your DC. I would be very clear to them at all times that they are not responsible for daddy;s outbursts and temper tantrums - he is. If he pulls a stunt like that again, I'd calmly say to them: that's not your fault and I don;t want it to spoil our day. We know he calms down eventually so let's take control of our day and enjoy it. If he wants to sulk and miss out, that;s his decision but I don;t want us feeling sick in our stomachs with guilt or worry about him. He;ll be fine. he always is.

It's hard to minimise it without suppressing how anxious it makes them, but you must give them the right to feel guilt free and permission to enjoy themselves.

Also - I;d start planning fun days out without him.

Exactly.

I had a father like this and it's not nice....

Wow, quick responses. Thank you to the helpful ones that realise coping mechanisms are vital as leaving is another big stress. I know I wouldn’t be here if I was happy. I’m just curious, that’s all.
The kids recognise his behaviour for what it is, it happens so frequently, any damage is already done so won’t be guilted about that, it’s not helpful. More importantly is my future I think. I’m getting my career on track and that is giving me a lease of life and security for any future plans I want to make.
My point is, there seem to be a lot of men out there with problems. My best friend’s husband isn’t coping at all and is now laid up on their holiday with a bad back. I just wonder if the good men exist, is all!

Thank you for your honest answer and helpful post :-)

@goldfinchonthelawn

If you're referring to me, I certainly didn't intend to guilt you. I was empathising with the situation and trying to support you.

Yes good men exist, I have one as my husband. Leaving is hard but the consequences of staying could be even harder.

I had a dad like this, which is why I would have remained single if I wasn’t able to find the opposite. My mum stayed with my dad as she preferred the status quo over the hard work and uncertainty of leaving. Our home life was miserable and this led me to attempting suicide age 14 as I would have rather have been dead than lived through another day of that hell.

I will never forgive my mum for prioritising an easier life over my well-being and because of her inaction we do not have a good relationship now.

@happystory no, there was just a post that was very insincere but you get these. I hang out here enough to know that. Thank you for your answer, it’s interesting to know other men have behaved like this. I think my partner is ADHD and had a terrible childhood which is part of all this too.

@H3ll00 Oof, suicide attempt! My parents split at 14 and while I didn’t do that, it was also horrific and has had lasting consequences.

I've been happy most of the time since I left the moody bastard. I
Now I live life on my terms & even though life still has ups & downs, in myself I am super happy.

There is no happy with a man like that.

Yes, good men exist. I'm with one and I know them.

We've only been together for a year but he puts my daughter first, let alone his own (his are in their 20s so don't live with him, mine is 16 and still lives at home). He doesn't live with us.

The kids recognise his behaviour for what it is, it happens so frequently, any damage is already done so won’t be guilted about that, it’s not helpful. More importantly is my future I think

You think wrong then. Your future is important, of course it is, but it is not more important than your children's who are still learning their worth, their place in the world, how others perceive them, how to interact with others, how to form interpersonal relationships and what they look like etc.

Your own love/sex life should be way down on your list of priorities at this moment in time and your top priority should be creating a safe, stable and nurturing environment in order for your children to thrive.

I stayed largely single for 10 years after separating from my children's dad. I dated a bit for my own needs but none of them came close to being involved with my children for 10 years.

You say the damage us already done as though you have no responsibility to either reverse it or prevent further damage. I'm sure that can't be true though?

I am reasonably to very happy at 54 - depending on the moment, but I'm not in a relationship and I am childfree.
However I've been in a relationship a long time ago with exactly the same type of man you are stuck with.
Some of his stunts included:

• not coming out of bed for a whole week on holiday


• running off into the hills on a day out where I went to stand next to the car a whole day, waiting for him to come back (it was a very remote place so couldn't get away on public transport


• silent treatment - regularly - the longest stint lasting for three months


• saying to my visiting friends "we have to go somewhere" to get them out and then being happy sitting on the sofa alone


• disappearing in a crowd at a festival, where I met some coworkers by chance - thing about which he went over the top jealous because he was observing me from the distance from behind a toilet cubicle


• saying my dad was a "prime comedian" when he was on his deathbed

This went on for 10 years that I will never have back. His main goal in life was to make mine as miserable as possible for a while, then be all generosity and nicety for an interlude, before starting the erratic and abusive behaviour again.
It all taught me a good lesson and never again will I put up with this kind of shit - for nobody. My boundaries are mountain high now, I accept that I will stay single and I am perfectly at ease with that.
WhenIsEnough as your name says ? It was enough a very long time ago ! Your children and you are living a nightmare, walking on eggshells, fearful ans anxious of what is he going to come up with next. It can't be healthy for your children at all.
If he has ADHD or had a rough childhood... it's not sure and it's not an excuse for him, nor a reason for you to put up with it. In case he did have a bad childhood, wouldn't he make sure his own children were happy ?
Regarding your future: it is without him in it.
Get yourself a job or a better paying one, get support from family and friends, look up what you are entitled to. Do not suffer in silence, prepare - above all financially - to get yourself out.
DO NOT PUT UP WITH ABUSE, not from anyone !

@TheClitterati I love this! Straight words and am very happy for you!

Yes security and planning for the future are important - you need to be able to live independently but saying the damage has been done already is a bit naive. The damage will continue to be done to you and your children as long as you’re living with someone who is abusive and the longer it goes on, the greater the harm. Your son is already showing signs of harm in terms of anxiety - of course he’s going to be anxious if he’s waiting for the next time his dad will kick off.

I’m not saying that to guilt you, leaving a relationship is stressful and challenging and sometimes it’s about balancing the harm of leaving (while not having finances, support, stability in place) v living a short time longer in an adverse environment and being able to leave with a measure of security. Only you know how bad it is and how much you can support your kids in living with the uncertainty of your husbands moods. Staying or leaving both carry risks.

In saying that, if my husbands behaviour was impacting my child’s mental health, I’d be moving heaven and earth to get out of there as quickly as humanly possible.

@GreyCarpet sorry but the pressures of living together and raising children together are not comparable with having a relationship that is one year old and where you live apart. I take your points otherwise. And I have no interest in a love or sex life! I only care about my children. But I am also deeply damaged by divorce myself. So it’s not black and white. If it was, people wouldn’t post on here.

@Jellycatspyjamas Thank you. Sobering thoughts.

@Pokske Im sorry you had to deal with this.