Is anyone really happy out there?!

[WhenIsEnough]

I honestly wonder where the good men are. Mine has been a beast this weekend but when I try to say ‘that behaviour was inappropriate’ he twists it back at me and won’t hear it. E.g. walking off in a strop on arrival into London, saying he was going off to the pub and not going to theatre with me or my DS’s, after being furious youngest wouldn’t listen to him about not bringing a bag with him. DD1 has anxiety so for him to do that was unforgivable. He stomped off and then finally after feeling like we’d all been punished enough, settled down and we went for food and to theatre together.

But we live in fear of his next outburst. It’s quite common for him to walk off like this and behave erratically putting us all down and then blowing up and then acting like nothing happened afterwards and when challenged, he is never in the wrong.

And then I come on here and read about more horrid men. Tell me, what does actual married happiness look like?!!

Oh and ADHD and a bad childhood is no excuse for being a cunt.

Anxiety is caused by lots of factors. Main one is secondary school. It’s very strict and there’s lots of pressure. Plus pandemic took its toll on DD1 and their year group generally I’d say.

Poor child does not get a break does she?. Her needs are not being met at school and her home life consists of her dad continuing his own private based war against you as her mum.

"DH goes to pieces in stressful situations. I am sympathetic to his character - he’s not a bad person. But yes! I believe marriage is a race to the bottom. My dad had endless affairs!"

I would think you are not allowed to go to pieces in stressful situations and I would think he gives you no such consideration. Men like this hate women and all of them. Abusers can be quite plausible to those in the outside world and I would think your H's image of nice carey sharey family man is one he actively works on keeping intact to those outsiders too.

Your dad also taught you a lot of damaging lessons about relationships didn't he?. He has a lot to answer for.

It is if you are a heterosexual female.

We’ve extremely happy to be married. Life has had its strains in the past few years (babies, work issues, Covid etc) but I’m very happy to be doing it together with my DH.

Anxiety is caused by lots of factors. Main one is secondary school. It’s very strict and there’s lots of pressure. Plus pandemic took its toll on DD1 and their year group generally I’d say.

It may manifest itself through school but I’d suggest if she had a secure, safe home life she’d be much better equipped to cope with the demands of school. It may also be that school is the one constant thing where she can express her anxiety - could she honestly say she was scared of her dad’s outbursts without repercussions?

I’ve worked with so many kids presenting with anxiety about school but when you get underneath the immediate presentation there were significant problems at home that they couldn’t articulate.

You might be happy in your relationship and that's great.

But happiness is achievable without a man.

Even for heterosexual women, believe it or not..! 😉

The question was whether married happiness was possible.

So your daughter wakes up, goes to a school where she's under a lot of pressure and it's strict (i.e. presumably teachers shout and punish small misdemeanours), comes home to a house where her dad may go off at any moment (more shouting/sulking/overreacting to small issues), and even on her days out where kids would usually be having fun and able to unwind, he kicks off and forces everyone to spend the day worrying about him him him.

No wonder she's anxious.

OP I'm not expecting you to reply to this, just think about it. It sounds very much like you're painting things any which way so that there's nothing you can do about this. Your DD's anxiety is supposedly caused by teachers (not your fault), your husband is close to the kids (so he was a good choice and you can't separate them), his anger issues were caused by his childhood (so it's your duty to stand by him), all men are terrible (so what's the point in leaving this particular toxic relationship).

Here's an alternative perspective - your husband is a scary, explosive man who is making your kids' lives really difficult if not miserable. He's making your life really difficult if not miserable. Your daughter is already being visibly damaged. Apart from your husband taking a radical rethink about himself and dealing with his issues in a different way (e.g. therapy and being nice to his family) you're the only one with the power to change this setup. Not anyone else. You.

@TheHideAndSeekingHill Yes. I think you’re right. I don’t feel able to do anything about any of it. I can barely cope with all my responsibilities just now. I care for an elderly mother, I have no family to speak of apart from her, (I’ve been caring for her since my dad left when she went to pieces since age of 14), and I am main breadwinner. So I’m struggling. Everyone makes it sound so easy to leave.

He won’t make it easy for you to leave because he will remain as abusive as he is now post separation. It could also be argued it’s a lot harder to stay.

Its also not your job to care for your mother and your children as well as you should come first.

It's not easy to leave but this is where you need to make the distinction between the right choice and the easy choice.

What do you think the right choice is?

I left my exh and I had nothing and no one. My dad had died 2 weeks earlier and I'd gone no contact with my mother 4 months before that for a combination of historic abuse towards me and her ongoing behaviour bringing SS to our door with my children.

We're not well off. I work long hours in a professional career but worked part time and on short term contracts for many years when my children were younger due to lack of support so my career hasn't progressed as my professional peers' have.

My children are healthy and happy and successful. I wouldn't have sacrificed my child's mental health for ease in my own life. It just isn't worth it.

You might even find the responsibilities you have are more manageable without his negativity and its impact to deal with too.

I couldn't have put it better as most of the time you are getting the edited highlights of one side of the story.

Good men do exist but because it's not printed on their forehead, they're not easy to find. We pick partners based on our own experiences of male family members or friends growing up - so if you're used to men being lazy or entitled or cruel etc, you're likely to think that's normal.

You are an equal partner in a relationship so you have a lot of control over what behaviour you will accept from a man. Too many women don't challenge or enforce boundaries. It's also not good to ever get into a relationship where the power dynamic is unequally skewed towards a man I.e you need the man/depend on him more than he needs.

The qualities I consider a bare minimum in men I date, and have met loads who match - knows how to manage a household and do chores, knows how to communicate and resolve conflict without stonewalling or turning abusive, can accept responsibility for mistakes and not just blame others, is hands on with children and is empathetic. Most importantly makes my life easier. My dad did all these things so I know it's possible for men to do. My friends husbands, and my current bf also seem to hit all these criteria so I know it's possible in my generation.

Assess whether your current partner makes your life easier and if he doesn't, is there anything you can do to get him to respect your boundaries? If there isn't, he'll always make you unhappy and he isn't compatible with your values. But good men do exist - whether you choose to date them or not is upto you. Definitely don't see this board as representative of men though! Just believe that if you can be a kind good helpful person, there is a man out there who is as well.

It does sound really hard OP. On the plus side if you're the main breadwinner and your kids are secondary school age ish, you don't need much from your husband on a practical level. Have you ever asked him to leave? It sounds like he should be the one having to find somewhere to live etc as he's the one with the problem.

In the meantime I'm interested in how you react when he does this: "He stomped off and then finally after feeling like we’d all been punished enough, settled down and we went for food and to theatre together."

Do you hang around and wait for him to come back? Do you get on with the plans and wait for him to catch up? Do you chase after him? Do you tackle him about it afterwards e.g. pointing out that he's upset the kids?

@ganvough You’re lovely, thank you.

@TheHideAndSeekingHill Oh it’s awful. So I tell the kids the behaviour isn’t ok, isn’t their fault and that he will calm down. I remain calm, I ask him not to walk off and he usually gets over it. I always tackle him later - in this case yesterday and today again. I was not happy with his response to be honest. But deep down he knows.
Recently it has become very frequent and he has agreed to counselling but is on a waiting list.

This.

That's hilarious! Good for you!! 😂

I actually thought you were my friend writing the post as exactly the same thing happened last week when she went to London with her husband...acted the same and then sat in a different carriage on the train on the way home after he didn't speak to her through the entire musical! My friend has been with her husband for 22 years and he has been abusive through out with this behaviour and worse. Their 2 adult children have been in therapy from early teens as my friend just cant leave him so subjected the children and herself to more years of erratic behaviour. She has tried leaving even 3 months ago and actually moved out only to move back in a month later. She just cant do it so she suffers and suffers and suffers more. Are there any good men? Yes I am with one now, took until my late 50s to find this sweet and gentle soul who puts me first. I am very happy. I know it could all go pair shaped but I became very happy when I was single for 7 years so happiness doesnt equate being in a relationship it is how you live your life.

@litterbird Interesting, thanks for sharing. What is wrong with these men!!

It's all well and good telling your children this and that to shield them from your husband's behaviour. But how will you answer them in 10 years time when they ask you why you stayed and didn't leave to protect them? I hope you're prepared to deal with a possible relationship breakdown with them, and to witness them struggle as young people and young adults as a result of what they witnessed and learnt watching your relationship and lack of action. I think you're burying your head in the sand. I always remember a close family friend being certain her young child never saw or heard his father beating her, until he turned to her one day as an adult and said did you really think I didn't know?

You don't have to be 'super super lucky' to end up with a decent man. Men are not assigned to us randomly at birth and we just have to hope we get a good one, we actually get to choose our partners. And yes, men can seem good at first and then turn awful, but then we still have a choice to leave.

What is really coming through from all your posts is that you want to believe all men are terrible and women have no options, so you don't have to feel guilty about staying. I know it's hard but I really hope you can try to change this mindset, because your children's mental health is absolutely at stake. I am not saying that to guilt you -- it's your husband who should feel guilty about being such a cunt. But you are the only one who can help your children now.

No one says it's easy to leave but you are the main breadwinner and they are older children, it will be hard but it is possible. It sounds like you are letting your own trauma from divorce keep you from doing the same to your children but it is far far worse for children to stay in an abusive household.

I have to second this tbh.
Everything she has said.

This is likely to cause a relationship breakdown , and estrangement , that your children willingly choose. At best, you'll have a "poor" relationship.

I'm estranged from the family by choice, and as much as I wanted to have a relationship with my mum, I'm unable to because just like Elephante said, I feel she should have done more to protect me both as a child and well into adulthood.

I'm 29, and left the family home at 27, after events with my dad that really were the final straw.

Your children may not do this straight away but eventually it will dawn on them thay this is a pattern of behaviour, and that you also had your part to play in it.

Sobering stuff, thanks. Time to sling him out then.

I'm glad you're taking this all on board OP, I know it must be very hard

Just reading your OP again -- 'we live in fear of his next outburst'. This is no way to live. Divorce is hard on everyone but at least there is the promise of a new life without this kind of constant worry and anxiety. Think of what a lovely and safe home you can build for your children.

You have my utmost sympathy. He sounds awful; sulky and childish and selfish.

Your statements that 'so many men are like this' / 'why are men like this?' etc aren't helping your situation though. Most men are not like that. Some are (and some women are I imagine) but most aren't. By saying this is just what many men are like, you are almost excusing your partner's behaviour (he can't help it, he's a man) whilst also keeping yourself tied to him (he can't help it / it can't be that bad, they're all like that / there's nothing better out there anyway).

To answer your original question, yes I am genuinely, truly happy. Content. My DH is my partner in life. He has my back. He respects me and supports me and shows me he loves me every day. We spend a lot of time laughing. It hasn't always been that way. I was with a similar sort to your husband for many years. In my case he had addictions which led to very selfish and unpredictable, sometimes embarassing or scary behaviour. I know it isn't easy to get away, but it can be done, and life is SO much better afterwards. Do it for you and your children.