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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone really happy out there?!

78 replies

WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 07:18

I honestly wonder where the good men are. Mine has been a beast this weekend but when I try to say ‘that behaviour was inappropriate’ he twists it back at me and won’t hear it. E.g. walking off in a strop on arrival into London, saying he was going off to the pub and not going to theatre with me or my DS’s, after being furious youngest wouldn’t listen to him about not bringing a bag with him. DD1 has anxiety so for him to do that was unforgivable. He stomped off and then finally after feeling like we’d all been punished enough, settled down and we went for food and to theatre together.

But we live in fear of his next outburst. It’s quite common for him to walk off like this and behave erratically putting us all down and then blowing up and then acting like nothing happened afterwards and when challenged, he is never in the wrong.

And then I come on here and read about more horrid men. Tell me, what does actual married happiness look like?!!

OP posts:
Dalaidramailama · 15/08/2022 08:36

My happy marriage can be summed up as ….. Easy without being boring and I don’t walk on eggshells around him.

Respect each other, love each other, have good sex. He’s a great dad. That in a nutshell.

Your husband sounds hard work OP.

Original poster
WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 08:36

He says I put him in a mood on Saturday morning. I was ‘going on’ as our youngest was being quite rude to me. I was! I was complaining. But his ‘stunt’ were actions that I see as very damaging indeed.

OP posts:
safetyfreak · 15/08/2022 08:37

I was in a similar relationship with my ex-husband but I am now happily, remarried to a lovely, kind man who has never raised his voice to me and we actually communicate our needs to each other civilly. It is amazing.

There are decent guys out there but I be honest, they are in short supply.

Original poster
WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 08:37

@Dalaidramailama Thank you. Exactly the help I was looking for, good to hear the good ones exist. And to get an outside eye on mine. Sometimes you feel like you’re going mad.

OP posts:
jammiewhammie65 · 15/08/2022 08:38

Your poor kids. Are you going to make them suffer that or do something to change it for them ?

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 15/08/2022 08:42

Wrote a long post and lost it. The most important part was that I think you know it’s not true that the “damage has already been done to the kids”, although it’s almost a handy thing for you to believe because it takes the pressure off you to act. You and the kids aren’t “broken” ie you can’t be broken any more. It’s more that he’s treading on you all, and if you get those feet off you, you can all start to learn to stand up straight again.

H3ll00 · 15/08/2022 08:43

If he has ADHD what is he/the family doing to control this? If he needs medication to regulate his emotion/help him sustain his attention he needs to step up and do this. Its as little as £350 to obtain a private diagnosis and prescription. I went through this process within a few months of having my daughter so I could be the best mum possible.

On the other hand, my FIL doesn’t have the confidence to accept he his disabled and to manage this. His wife has attempted to leave him twice now due to his emotion outbursts, how he talks over people etc. They have little wealth so she’s spending her retirement hiding from him as much as possible in a second hand caravan on the north east coast. She’s had grim life because she stayed. Due to the family dynamics my husband and his brother never felt loved or accepted as a child and this still effects them now.

TheHideAndSeekingHill · 15/08/2022 08:44

I’m in a happy relationship with a great man, we are always trying to make each other’s lives easier not harder. Nicer not nastier. More fun not ruining the fun. I grew up with a parent who liked everything to revolve around their moods (especially birthdays! As a pp said) and I swore never to settle with an angry man.

mattressspring · 15/08/2022 08:44

what does actual married happiness look like?!!

It's something you don't need a man for.

godmum56 · 15/08/2022 08:45

WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 07:46

Wow, quick responses. Thank you to the helpful ones that realise coping mechanisms are vital as leaving is another big stress. I know I wouldn’t be here if I was happy. I’m just curious, that’s all.
The kids recognise his behaviour for what it is, it happens so frequently, any damage is already done so won’t be guilted about that, it’s not helpful. More importantly is my future I think. I’m getting my career on track and that is giving me a lease of life and security for any future plans I want to make.
My point is, there seem to be a lot of men out there with problems. My best friend’s husband isn’t coping at all and is now laid up on their holiday with a bad back. I just wonder if the good men exist, is all!

mine existed till he died. Yes I was really happy in my marriage.

Original poster
WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 09:11

@TheHideAndSeekingHill Nicer not nastier. More fun not ruining the fun.

Best answer yet. Thank you. Simply put but says it all.

OP posts:
Charley50 · 15/08/2022 09:15

My dad was emotionally abusive, angry and controlling, and spoilt everything that could have been fun. We dreaded him coming home from work, and any days out or holidays we had were spoilt by his anger, jealousy and general fuckery. I really wanted my mum to split up from him. She didn't until he left when I was 18. Siblings and I all affected by our childhood long-term in different ways.

Original poster
WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 09:23

@Charley50 Sounds horrific. Not at those levels by any shakes but I think so many men have problems. Another best friend of mine has no idea her so-called perfect husband made a pass at me. Some abuse you feel, others are more stealthy.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 15/08/2022 09:24

WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 08:32

@GreyCarpet sorry but the pressures of living together and raising children together are not comparable with having a relationship that is one year old and where you live apart. I take your points otherwise. And I have no interest in a love or sex life! I only care about my children. But I am also deeply damaged by divorce myself. So it’s not black and white. If it was, people wouldn’t post on here.

I'm obviously aware of that and I should have made it clearer. But you asked if there were any good men out there and there are. He has a good relationship with his adult children. They come to him first for anything and support rather than their mum. The way he treats his ex, his mum, his friends, his children, me, my children and total strangers is testament to that.

I'm also divorced and my children have told me they were happier afterwards even with all the turmoil at the time.

The length of the relationship doesn't impact on whether they are a good man or not.

I hope you find your solution.

Original poster
WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 09:26

Thank you for explaining. I think that’s a great testament to his success as a parent. I think my partner is a very hands-on dad and is very close to the kids but as a partner he can be very unfair to me.

OP posts:
ilyx · 15/08/2022 09:27

But we live in fear of his next outburst

That’s why your daughter has anxiety, it doesn’t come from no where.

GreyCarpet · 15/08/2022 09:34

WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 09:26

Thank you for explaining. I think that’s a great testament to his success as a parent. I think my partner is a very hands-on dad and is very close to the kids but as a partner he can be very unfair to me.

At the risk of harping on, being an unfair partner doesn't make him a good dad. Although, I know what you mean by that.

If your children are already damaged by his outbursts and his behaviour, that is not a good environment for them to be living in. It will impact on every aspect of their lives.

Children can trauma bond with their parents. Going out of their way to show love and acceptance and appearing to be very happy because they are trying to repair the damage they see in the only way their children's brains know how. And to avoid the behaviour they see directed towards you from being directed towards them.

My parents were abusive towards me but not my brother. He fell over himself trying to please them to avoid becoming their target, was the perfect child. The damage done to him was different to the damage done to me but not less and took just as many hours in therapy to heal.

Good luck x

Original poster
WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 09:47

@GreyCarpet Yes I agree with everything you say. It’s a really shit situation. But I think you have to be super super lucky to get a ‘decent’ partner in this world. Men seem to all have their problems.

OP posts:
lickenchugget · 15/08/2022 09:50

It’s not normal. As PP have said, it seems like a race to the bottom on here, but that’s as happy people don’t really post about relationships.

You deserve better. And your DC’s. Living on eggshells can only be making anxiety worse. 🌼

Original poster
WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 09:53

Anxiety is caused by lots of factors. Main one is secondary school. It’s very strict and there’s lots of pressure. Plus pandemic took its toll on DD1 and their year group generally I’d say. DH goes to pieces in stressful situations. I am sympathetic to his character - he’s not a bad person. But yes! I believe marriage is a race to the bottom. My dad had endless affairs!

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 15/08/2022 09:54

WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 09:47

@GreyCarpet Yes I agree with everything you say. It’s a really shit situation. But I think you have to be super super lucky to get a ‘decent’ partner in this world. Men seem to all have their problems.

I know it's not the subject of your thread but I think that men really are brought up to believe they are the king of the castle, their word is law because they are a man.

I dated a man a couple of years ago who believed that, because he was older and male (he was 53 to my 45) it automatically made him right. Even on subjects he knew nothing about and in which I had a degree of expertise! He actually told me he didn't expect to be challenged by me. After all, he was a man.

Whereas women are raised to be the peacemakers, the relationship glue and the arbiters of male behaviour.

Men only have the problems that society equips them with. It's only when men can see this that they can challenge and change this. Its only when women can see this that they finally find the strength to say no more and step away.

Watchkeys · 15/08/2022 09:58

WhenIsEnough · 15/08/2022 09:53

Anxiety is caused by lots of factors. Main one is secondary school. It’s very strict and there’s lots of pressure. Plus pandemic took its toll on DD1 and their year group generally I’d say. DH goes to pieces in stressful situations. I am sympathetic to his character - he’s not a bad person. But yes! I believe marriage is a race to the bottom. My dad had endless affairs!

Surely you can see it would be so much easier for her if she could come home and relax/feel supported/feel nurtured? She's got pressure at school and pressure at home, currently.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/08/2022 10:04

Your life with him, as well as that of your childrens, sounds like utter misery.

Why did you write he is a hands on dad and very close to the kids (your own denial talking perhaps?) given his abusive behaviours towards you and in turn your kids here?. I would think they do not see him as a hands on dad at all but a man akin to a tyrant and bully.

People in relationships tend not to write about their own happy and emotionally healthy, marriages.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, so what did yours teach you?. We tend to also repeat the familiar and what is already known to us. My parents marriage is mainly a happy one but I was really trusted, i.e left, to get on with it from around the age of 14 or so.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. What do you think they are learning about relationships here from you people here as their parents?. I would think your parents adversarial approach to divorce did you harm; not the actual divorce process in itself.

Spohn · 15/08/2022 10:08

What steps have you taken to help your traumatised kids? Being made to grow up in a tense, walking on eggshells house is abusive and damages people for life. I speak from experience.

Regularsizedrudy · 15/08/2022 10:09

“The damage has already been done” is a very backwards way of looking at it. Being subjected to your husbands moods will continue to damage your children, alongside your unwillingness to put them first and protect them from him.

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