Furthermore to Tamz77's cancer fake boyfriend: more to the story, and would appreciate legal advice

[Tamz77]

OK, deep breath: I feel terrible asking for so much attention and advice from you ladies but there's more to my troubles with the boyfriend who just faked bowel cancer on me, by 'more' I mean that I loaned him money (I know, I know ) and until now I guess I was hoping he would do the honourable thing (haha) and at least contact me to reassure me he would repay it. How naive am I, eh. I've only told one friend in RL about this other aspect as I'm just so ashamed, can't even tell my dad who would know where I stand legally on this (being an ex policeman, as I said) as the money was savings that he originally gave me and he would be so disappointed in me if he knew I'd been just so damned stupid, also of course it was money he worked for and I've given it to some chancer I've known for a few months who did nothing to deserve it except tell me he loved me.

It's £5000. I feel like I've been f*ed for money for months to put it bluntly; ex probably didn't even fancy me. He said he had serious debt problems and was under threat of being evicted and his business going under (before he knew I had any savings) and I offered to help, obviously not wanting the man I loved (and his wee boy) to be homeless/penniless. On two other occasions he circuitously asked for help (once with an IT degree he had fallen behind on payments for, and once more to cover rent). It's a hell of a lot of money I know and I remember seeing him spend crazy money at Christmas on his son, and thinking that it was my money he was spending, but also thinking that this was shaping up to be a long term thing (despite my doubts, we were planning next summer holidays together, all that kind of thing) and kind of saw it as an investment in our mutual future, as well as simply looking after someone I cared deeply about who was in financial dire straits.

Anyway, that's the full story. Does anyone know where I stand legally on this point? Two days ago I thought it would be worth saying goodbye to the 5k and forgetting about it, for the sake of forgetting him quicker too, but I feel so sick about it, and also that I owe it to my son to try and get it back. I don't have much to offer him (no family, don't own our own home etc) and this money would of course have gone to him, one day.

I absolutely know how stupid, stupid, stupid I've been. These were all cash payments and the only evidence of any of them is one text exchange that I've saved (I don't ever save texts but this was some of the last contact between us once I had evidence he was lying about his hospital stay). With the last 'loan' I had told him I'd need it back shortly to cover my own rent, which is due next week . He knows this and I was hoping he'd come through on this one thing at least, but he's not been in touch at all, so that possibility (which was small to begin with) is now at level zero, really.

Is there anything the police could actually do about this if I were to go to them? I'm clutching at straws esp given lack of evidence but would it count as something like, obtaining money under false pretences?

Honestly I haven't slept since this has happened and the money thing is the main reason why. I could get over being cheated on by a liar quite easily I think, if I hadn't paid him to do it. I suppose I'm asking now if there's a police 'person' or a lawyer in the house at all.

God this is such a farce but mentally and physically it feels like it's killing me atm. Thanks again for reading, and for any help you can offer. I'm so ashamed and so grateful.

[Desiderata]

I really do think you should contact the police, Tamz. You may be pleasantly surprised at how seriously they take it.

[babbi]

DH is a cop -From a police point of view - sorry - no crime has been committed. You offered the money (when prompted) and he accepted.
Legally you should record loans - repayment terms etc (sorry not criticising you just stating fact of law) to be able to prove in the future if necessary that money transaction was a loan and not a gift.

Dh says this is a very typical type of complaint when couples split and 99% of the time the police are powerless - things may be morally wrong but not criminally wrong therefore they have no powers to act.

If the rat said you GAVE him the money the onus is on you to prove otherwise -even though the police may believe your version they cannot accuse him of anything without evidence.

(different re the other scenario of mortgage that someone mentioned- whereby an element of fraud or deception is involved ie signatures on paper and classed as criminal)

Best bet is to try small claims court but as I said very difficult to prove - however if he is not that confident of his rights he may well agree to pay up something ???

Good luck and a huge cuddle - you deserve better ..

Just as an aside an engagement ring is deemed as a gift in law and therefore female has every right to keep it regardless - DH says he cannot count the amount of times he has had to tell guys - sorry by law she gets to keep it if she wants ....

[Tamz77]

Thanks babbi that's very useful advice.

The denoument was this: ex slipped an envelope through my door two nights ago, it was pretty thick and before I opened it I thought it might be a nice wad of my cash being returned. Silly me! It was actually a load of photos of him in Paris.

So...his story is that he was being treated in hospital in Paris (he hasn't told me this in person, just put it in a note). The pics however were of him at the Eiffel Tower, Moulin Rouge, some fancy Peugeot car showroom...the list goes on. Crazy stuff. I asked him who took the photos of him and he couldn't answer. I also said he did an awful lot of sightseeing for someone who was in hospital having a bowel operation. He couldn't answer that one either, of course.

The note was basically a goodbye note, telling me I'm sweet and lovely and deserve much happiness blah blah blah. He mentioned the money but not the amount and also used the words "the money you gave me".

We had a relatively brief text conversation wherein he promised I'd get paid back, but I've a) invited him round to discuss this in person and b) emailed him a very civilised note, explaining my own position re. the money, and would he agree to a mutually convenient arrangement for repayment; he didn't respond to either. I didn't really expect him to but had to clutch at any last straws I could find lying around lol. None of the texts he did respond with offered explanation, just repeated apologies, thanking me for the time we had together. Esentially saying f* off without being nasty about it.

I also contacted 3 solicitors about it and none of them were interested. I've been advised elsewhere that the police would be powerless too. So I'm stuffed, basically.

I'll tell you it was just another kick in the gut to find out I'd paid for his a dirty weekend in Paris. I can't even begin to explain how I feel about all this, but a friend to whom something similar happened said she felt emotionally raped, and without being dramatic that's just about the size of it.

[tiredemma]

He sounds fucking mad.

Hope you get your money back from this spineless tosspot

[Lulumama]

thanks for sharing tamz!

it would be laughable ,except he has behaved so badly

he is a thief and a confidence trickster

so between being under GA for 18 hours, having a cancerous polyp removed, in PARIS !!! he was able to go sightseeing.. and despite telling you he was in hospital in the UK? how was he going to get his follow up care??!!! !?

what a fuckwit

to think you would actually believe it

i hope you find yourself a kind, decent and generous man who treats you with teh respect you deserve

[smartiejake]

If he aquired the money through false pretences it's surely fraud. Definitely go to the police.

[BumperliciousIsOneHotMother]

Oh tamz, I wish I had some advice. You have been royally f*cked over haven't you? I know you don't want to exact any kind of revenge, but there must be something you/we can do?

[Flllightattendant]

Oh I just found that! Very tempting to email him making vague threats about parts of his anatomy unless he pays you back...but I won't

Will you be Ok rent wise if he doesn't cough up, Tamz?

[Flllightattendant]

Could we get a load of Edinburgh girls to stage a protest outside his shop? That might prompt some action...I would do it myself but am on the South coast!

[IAteRosemaryConleyForBreakfast]

Tam, what a cock he is!

If I was closer I'd ... ahem ... redecorate his shopfront one night.

I've been fucked over by men before and if there's one thing I learned it's not to beat myself up for trusting someone. Trust is a wonderful thing and you've done nothing wrong by being trusting. So go easy on yourself.

[wanders off to think of some suitably time-consuming and obscure request to make of Mr Computer Wanky before changing my mind and taking my business elsewhere]

[NotQuiteCockney]

I don't think it's v sensible to give names and details. I'm sure he's a horrible person, but the libel laws are pretty tough in the UK, and MN has been in enough trouble for this sort of thing, so I've reported your post with the details, I'm afraid.

[SnappyLaGore]

tamz - just to say that ive been conned by blokes too. one was a conman who i met on the street and one i actually was seeing who i met through friends. it is sickening to realise youve been taken for a ride, but you know what? id rather be a warm generous trusting person than a cold sceptical heartless person (well, something in between is best i suppose)... and im GLAD that neither of these men managed to take that part of me away, even if they did get my hard earned cash

chin up girl. you live and learn. its what lifes all about

[Flllightattendant]

spoilsport [sticks tongue out]

You're right NQC...of course. Don't want MNHQ in trouble...I think this guy deserves naming and shaming but perhaps this isn't feasible on MN.

Revenge fantasies are great fun though!

[Flllightattendant]

...Tamz. Complain to the website. They always want to know if they are hosting conmen/stalkers/congenital liars etc. They might at least ban him.

[Flllightattendant]

..I mean the dating site.

[Tamz77]

OK. Apologies for naming the guy if it's against MN rules. I only did it to warn other women against being taken in either romantically or financially. I don't want anyone messing with him business-wise, the guy has a kid to support. Happy for the post to be removed

[redadmiral]

Not sure that he would take on that libel case, but obviously van understand the concern...

[edam]

put a message on his own website, if you can. Then he can hardly sue himself or his own ISP, can he? Conniving little creep.

[redadmiral]

or even 'can'..

[Hecate]

I will NOT, of course, but I really really really want to email him and call him everything from a pig to a dog!

Of course, that would only make matters worse I am not trying to tell folks what to do of course but if I could advise anyone who feels similarly don't email him, tempting as it is, because it could make things bad for Tam!

[Flllightattendant]

I'm glad that a few of us will at least know his name and be careful...I really think it would be worth contacting the dating site you found him on, and letting them know he has stolen from you.