Furthermore to Tamz77's cancer fake boyfriend: more to the story, and would appreciate legal advice

[Tamz77]

OK, deep breath: I feel terrible asking for so much attention and advice from you ladies but there's more to my troubles with the boyfriend who just faked bowel cancer on me, by 'more' I mean that I loaned him money (I know, I know ) and until now I guess I was hoping he would do the honourable thing (haha) and at least contact me to reassure me he would repay it. How naive am I, eh. I've only told one friend in RL about this other aspect as I'm just so ashamed, can't even tell my dad who would know where I stand legally on this (being an ex policeman, as I said) as the money was savings that he originally gave me and he would be so disappointed in me if he knew I'd been just so damned stupid, also of course it was money he worked for and I've given it to some chancer I've known for a few months who did nothing to deserve it except tell me he loved me.

It's £5000. I feel like I've been f*ed for money for months to put it bluntly; ex probably didn't even fancy me. He said he had serious debt problems and was under threat of being evicted and his business going under (before he knew I had any savings) and I offered to help, obviously not wanting the man I loved (and his wee boy) to be homeless/penniless. On two other occasions he circuitously asked for help (once with an IT degree he had fallen behind on payments for, and once more to cover rent). It's a hell of a lot of money I know and I remember seeing him spend crazy money at Christmas on his son, and thinking that it was my money he was spending, but also thinking that this was shaping up to be a long term thing (despite my doubts, we were planning next summer holidays together, all that kind of thing) and kind of saw it as an investment in our mutual future, as well as simply looking after someone I cared deeply about who was in financial dire straits.

Anyway, that's the full story. Does anyone know where I stand legally on this point? Two days ago I thought it would be worth saying goodbye to the 5k and forgetting about it, for the sake of forgetting him quicker too, but I feel so sick about it, and also that I owe it to my son to try and get it back. I don't have much to offer him (no family, don't own our own home etc) and this money would of course have gone to him, one day.

I absolutely know how stupid, stupid, stupid I've been. These were all cash payments and the only evidence of any of them is one text exchange that I've saved (I don't ever save texts but this was some of the last contact between us once I had evidence he was lying about his hospital stay). With the last 'loan' I had told him I'd need it back shortly to cover my own rent, which is due next week . He knows this and I was hoping he'd come through on this one thing at least, but he's not been in touch at all, so that possibility (which was small to begin with) is now at level zero, really.

Is there anything the police could actually do about this if I were to go to them? I'm clutching at straws esp given lack of evidence but would it count as something like, obtaining money under false pretences?

Honestly I haven't slept since this has happened and the money thing is the main reason why. I could get over being cheated on by a liar quite easily I think, if I hadn't paid him to do it. I suppose I'm asking now if there's a police 'person' or a lawyer in the house at all.

God this is such a farce but mentally and physically it feels like it's killing me atm. Thanks again for reading, and for any help you can offer. I'm so ashamed and so grateful.

[2happy]

(Borders, BTW)

[Sibble]

I would go to the police too, whether he is a serial con man or you struck unlucky I think they will be interested and it may save somebody else going through the same. I would also think (but don't know for sure) that the text re. rent payments would be in your favour. If you are 'charging' somebody rent it in my mind is less likely you are going to hand them 5k on a plate. Good luck.

[mmelody]

Play as dirty as him and forge a written agreement.. Just needs to be short and have what looks like his signature on it. Then take him to small claims court.. which can take months (ive done it!!) but keep chipping away.

The police will do bugger all im afraid its a civil matter.

God I really feel for you.. men can be such twats. He needs something tatooed on his forehead to stop him doing this again.

[LyraSilvertongue]

I wouldn't bother with the local press tbh. it's not the sort of story they'd be able to touch. They couldn't just print a load of unproven allegations about him, even if you know him to be guilty. It's called defamation.
Police and/or civil court is the best course of action, if you're not keen on taking the heavies round to his place.

[2happy]

{as an aside, the Tweeddale press never seem to have shied away from defamation in the past IMHO!}

[Alambil]

I don't have any advice other than to say don't go in heavy handed and don't forge paperwork - that is both silly and most likely to come back to haunt you.

I was in a courtcase with my ex (for contact) and after 6 months of horrendously awful texts, I retaliated ONCE - he used it against me (saying I was unstable etc) and his lawyer LET him! It took me ages to dig out all the provocation to prove to the judge and STILL I was hauled over coal for it...

Ring the police - the worst they will say is they can't help, then go to the CAB

[warthog]

is it worth just texting him to ask him to repay the £5000? you might get lucky and he sends back an incriminating text..

[choosyfloosy]

It is not you who has done anything wrong. I'd agree re going to the police - it doens't have to be your dad directly. And in a few months you can at least flog your story to a magazine for £200 or so. I hope you will get your money back, but I'm afraid you're probably right, it's unlikely that such a professional scumbag has allowed any evidence to enter his life. However, he is almost certainly working on another woman, right now. I'd love it if you posted his name and description here but you really don't want to be done for libel! Very best of luck.

[ladymac]

I think warthog's idea is a good one and worth a try.

[dolally]

I was think along warthog's lines, can you invite him round and then secretly record/video you asking for your money back and him refusing (or whatever)?

Have every sympathy with you. though one thing occurred to me...are you sure it's a good idea to get your ex dp involved since you have quite a "troubled" relationship with him?

just a thought. really am sorry for you.

[HansieMom]

Here is an idea, but a con man might not fall for it, having perfected their craft and all.

You could text him and say: I need you to repay the 6,400L that you owe me.

Ideally, he'd text back and say: I don't owe you 6,400L, I only owe you 4,900L.

Well, that's how it could work, anyway!

[postingatlast]

sorry to put a practical head on here but a text message would not be admissable in court, not least because you could assign the guy's name to another phone number in your phone book, send a text from that phonenumber and it would show up on your phone as from the guy.

Er, that doesn't make sense! I mean, if he is called Ben, you put Ben in your phone as the name on one of your friend's numbers, that friend sends you a text and it appears on your phone as Ben.

Either way, I see no way that a text would be admissable by law as there is no proof it was written by that person. They could claim you grabbed their phone and sent the text yourself.

Sorry for the practical spin, huge huge sympathy for you K

[postingatlast]

that said, it would be admisaable if you recorded him saying it on your phone. Many mobiles can record a conversation in progress...

[policywonk]

mmm - but could take hansie's incredible crafty idea and tape a conversation or something like that? Or try to have the conversation in front of a witness?

[MuthaHubbard]

by the way, texts ARE admissible as evidence, as are statements such as - on xxth jan at 12.00 hrs i received a text from mobile number 1234556, which is saved as Ben in my mobile phone. this text said 'i only owe you £5k, but will not pay back to u'. this text is saved to my sim card, which i give police permission to access'

police can gain access to mobile records.

[expatinscotland]

Nothing practical to add, Tamz, except my sympathy.

I'm sorry things worked out like this.

((HUGS))

[redadmiral]

Sorry to hear about this. Hopefully if you go to police they will be as appalled at his behaviour as we are.

Here are a couple of links to women who have beed jailed for similar things, although the theft was more outright as it was from bank accounts directly:

www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23383649-details/'Serial+bride'+conwoman+jailed/article.do

news.independent.co.uk/uk/crime/article336793.ece

[MegBusset]

Might it be worth bluffing somewhat, even if you are not sure you've got a case that would stand up in court? Get your solicitor to write a big scary letter saying you require repayment in full by a certain date or you will begin legal proceedings, which would lead to x/y/z (his employers, parents, children, friends finding out about his deception, him having to pay court costs, etc etc). Chances are he will be too much of a coward to call your bluff and decide to pay you back (if he still has the money, that is). If he doesn't have the money then I'm afraid not even the courts could help so you will have to write it off.

[Lauriefairycake]

I would send him a text saying "Even though we're not going to be together anymore I need you to work out how you're going to repay me and text me how much you can afford and when. Thank-you"

Then if he doesn't text or call or admit liability that it was a loan you can take him to small claims court online (www.moneyclaimsonline.gov.uk) for about £35 I think. It would seriously let you down if you tried in any way to bully him or threaten him to give you the money back - if he is a confidence trickster then he could easily tape you doing that.

He hasn't done anything criminal, being in debt to someone is not an offence so don't bother with that.

Do not wait too long to do this - I claimed against a guy who fitted a boiler for me 10 years ago (very dangerously) - he had his house, his cars, everything in his wifes name so even though I got a county court judgement against him it was unenforceable.

However, I took him to court for my satisfaction because he was a conman and I was happy to pay the extra money (think its was 60 quid at the time) to show that I wasn't going to roll over.

Take him to court, he will either admit it in full, admit part of it, or refute all of it - he will then offer to pay a certain amount - better that you get £10 a month forever than nothing.

And then, even with the ccj against him, try very hard not to dwell on it, you made a mistake but you're only mistake was to open your heart to someone in love and trust. It sounds like he abused that trust and was the manipulative one.

Really sorry for all thats happened to you

[hunkermunker]

I think you need to go to the police to get on record that this man has done this - you might find out he has a history of doing it, or you might be the first in a line of "history" that helps another woman in the future.

But first I'd try to get an incriminating text out of him.

[expatinscotland]

i'll bet he has got a history of conning people and swindling .

[postingatlast]

as always Lauriefairycake, absolutely spot on

[shimmy]

What a creep . This happened to my friend too but she lost a lot more than you (complicated story about a mortgage.) Her bastard conman had been doing it to a lot of other women and the police were really glad to hear my friend's story as it added to evidence they already had. She had to testify in court but the tosser did go to jail thanks to her evidence.

Just telling you this to say that if you do go to the police you could be stopping him do it again to someone else.

Trying to be optimisitc though, perhaps we are all jumping to the conclusion too fast that this guy is a conman. It's clear he is a cheating liar, yes - perhaps he was off with another woman that weekend. But it is only a day and a half since you dumped him, isn't it? You haven't yet asked for the money back so let's not all get our collective knickers in a twist and assume the worst.

First step - ask for the money and then if he denies he owes you we will start twisting our knickers with you.

[Tamz77]

Thanks again for all messages (2happy I'm not in the Borders any more but not far away). I'm still in a tizz about all this, one minute I want to scratch his eyes out and the next just try to forget about him.

He knows that I needed the last £400 back before Jan 27th to pay my own rent so was thinking of giving him the benefit of the doubt until then. Between rumbling him about the hospital deception and letting him know I'd rumbled him, I also told him I'd like it either Mon (today) or Tues. Still no contact of any kind, however.

Have finally twigged that I don't have a legal leg to stand on, for all the reasons you ladies have mentioned. My admittedly vague plan of action at the moment is to send a civilised, prompting text about the money tomorrow evening, and if there's no reply by the 27th, at least attempt to make a statement to the police about him.

Adding heavies to the equation is not my style really (even if I knew any! Which I don't!) and from a personal POV I'm hoping I can rise above revenge fantasies sooner rather than later (I am having them though, of course).

Do you think this is an OK plan? Won't achieve much I guess, also I have to face the hurt of him replying with a text along the lines of, "What money?" or even, "Who are you?"

Out of interest, tonight I had a look at the dating site I met this guy on, and found he had reregistered two days before Christmas. God knows which other ones he's been on, anyway it's pretty clear it's another woman (or women) thing going on.

[Blu]

It's funny, isn't it? You can leave negative feedback on EBay about a delayed posting or a slight scratch on goods that will ruin an EBayers reputation for ever. But can you leave 'negative feedback' on a dating site? I bet you can't. And that might be a sign that they can't be trusted!

God luck, Tamzz.