Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Having to be out of it for sex with DH

59 replies

Bouncingavocado · 12/08/2022 08:03

Is there anyway back from here?
He understandably doesn’t want a sexless marriage. I find it so awful (since the birth of 3rd dc after which I was very ill physically and had horrific PND and he didn’t help or support me in any way at all. Just carried on as normal so I ended up with all the dc and the baby and the most awful PND) because I don’t feel that was about him anymore. I hear him coming upstairs after he’s talked about an ‘early night’ and I feel utter dread.
I can only cope by taking half a diazepam or some alcohol beforehand. He doesn’t know I do this but he does know I struggle with the sex.

I am well aware that it’s best for my dc if I can just put up with it and get through it and it’s not that often so I know I should. I rationalise that apart from when it’s happening and when it’s happening it’s awful and I resolve to get out of this situation.
I just need to find a way of managing it.

OP posts:

YoSofi · 12/08/2022 08:07

No it’s not best for your DC. This isn’t what you should be modelling for their future relationships.

You sound so sad, and after he let you down so badly it’s not surprising you have lost all attraction to your husband.

How are you now with your mental health? Only you can decide whether you want to stay in the marriage, but as an outsider looking in you only get one life and you deserve happiness.

Redberries85 · 12/08/2022 08:07

you Definitely do not need to put up with it. That sounds horrendous and the way he didn’t support you in the past is the biggest turn-off. I think you need to
really think where this relationship is going

DogGoneCrazyNow · 12/08/2022 08:08

I mean this as kindly and gently as I can but this is no way to live. You need to leave. I don't know the practical details for you but start planning.

In the meantime you don't have to have sex. What happens if you don't? And also... I bet he knows you're not into it. I've had partners stop when it's obvious my brain isn't quite in the moment, even when I actually do want to. That's what decent people do. They seek enthusiasm

girlmom21 · 12/08/2022 08:17

How's your relationship now apart from this? Do you want to stay with him?

You might need to seek some professional help but please don't keep harming yourself to please him. I'd be mortified if I knew my partner had to do that before sex with him. I'd feel horribly guilty.

onelittlefrog · 12/08/2022 08:21

Oh, it sounds really horrible OP :(

You say your husband knows you 'struggle with sex', how much have you talked about this with him?

Or do you feel like you can't?

It sounds like he hasn't supported you how you would have liked when you had PND and that might be having an impact on how you feel about him.

It would be really sad to stay in this relationship the way it is right now. Picture yourself in 5 years time if nothing changes - you are still with him - it's still the same.

You need to make some steps to change if you don't want that to be the case.

If you think the relationship is redeemable then an honest conversation with him and couples therapy are the way to start.

If you think it's not redeemable then again, an honest conversation is the starting point, unless you are actually scared of him? There's not enough info in your post to know if that's the case.

I hope you move on from this one way or the other because it is a really horrible thing to feel so pressured into sex that you need to take drugs to get through it. That's not OK and you can't carry on like that, but if your husband doesn't even know about it then it's not going to change.

Grimchmas · 12/08/2022 08:28

I am well aware that it’s best for my dc if I can just put up with it and get through it and it’s not that often so I know I should.

Welp, didn't know I'd be crying for a stranger on mumsnet this morning but here I am in tears. This is the saddest sentence I think I've ever read on here.

Your children do not need you to drug yourself and put up with sex that you find distressing and do not want.

It isn't the 1940s any more. We don't have to lie back and think of England.

Ladyof2022 · 12/08/2022 08:28

I agree with what others have said upthread.

Millions of women throughout history and across the world have done what you are doing, silently and secretly.

You are being brave and honest to speak the truth, and you are lucky to live in an age and a culture where you can stop doing it.

Please do what is best for youself xxx

SuperCamp · 12/08/2022 08:29

Have you ever talked to him about how you felt after the birth of your Dc3? And the lasting effects?

Was he normally loving and supportive before that time?

What is the rest of your relationship like now?

Do you feel stuck with a man you don’t love, or else stuck in a reaction to sex that you would like to change?

TheOGCCL · 12/08/2022 08:31

I suspect this will just get worse and worse, there isn’t really a way to ‘manage’ it.

ChuckItBucket · 12/08/2022 08:36

I’m so sorry you’re in this position op. Your H doesn’t care about you - didn’t care about your PND and doesn’t care that you don’t want sex. And he does know that you don’t want it (because if you’re just gritting your teeth until he’s finished then how could he think otherwise) but he does it anyway. You can’t spend the rest of your life living like this for the sake of your kids

You matter too. You really do

Speechdelaymamma · 12/08/2022 08:37

OP if you don’t want to leave your marriage you may need to start counselling to work through the residual PND and then couples therapy to sort through the resentment. You definitely should stop drugging yourself to have sex in the meantime. Please don’t set fire to yourself to keep him warm. You’re a partnership. His needs don’t outweigh yours.

DillonPanthersTexas · 12/08/2022 08:42

I can only cope by taking half a diazepam or some alcohol beforehand. He doesn’t know I do this but he does know I struggle with the sex.

This is depressing beyond words. You should not be having to drug yourself or boozing to 'get through' having sex with your DP.

Whitehorsegirl · 12/08/2022 09:07

This sounds awful and you can't carry on living like this.

I think you should stop forcing yourself to have sex and have a serious conversation with your partner right now about it.

Speak to your GP about having a gynae check-up to see if there are physical issues from the birth that are causing you pain and asked to be referred to counselling.

I find it is totally understandable that you are no longer attracted to a partner who was not supportive when you needed him and who seems to find it OK to have sex with someone who needs to use and alcohol to go through the experience.

Your kids will be much happier with a divorced parent who is not miserable and forcing herself to have sex. Part of being a parent is also showing your children what healthy relationships are and to learn to have respect for their bodies and know how to set up boundaries.

AnyFucker · 12/08/2022 09:10

Any man that penetrates a woman knowing he does not have enthusiastic consent is a rapist

Tell him you have to drug yourself to tolerate sex with him. Then tell him you are not doing it any more and he can leave if he wishes. His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

Maray1967 · 12/08/2022 09:14

This is so awful to read and it is not right. He needs to know that you cannot do this and don’t be doing it until you feel like it. If he wants sex he needs to understand what it takes. Most women need to feel loved and cared for - that’s where he needs to start.

Subbaxeo · 12/08/2022 09:34

This is no way to live. If you’re repelled by your husband, how can you get through the next 30 years? Can you talk to him about how you feel? I’d say in a LTR, people can have sex occasionally without really feeling it and it doesn’t make the instigator a rapist. This is very different OP. Talk to your husband-his reaction will tell you what you want to do. If you are scared to talk to him because you’re worried about his reaction, that should tell you what you need to do. If that’s the case, get a support network and solicitor.

OrlandointheWilderness · 12/08/2022 11:04

I can identify with this, with my X I had a realisation at the end of our relationship that I couldn't bear to have sex with him sober. The vast amounts of red wine I consumed were mainly to numb it. Tbh I found him physically repellent by the end, but then I didn't fancy him at the start and he was very controlling and abusive.
Please, you are worth so much more than this.

Musti · 12/08/2022 11:09

I think for most women there has to be love and trust to want to have sex with someone. He’s proven that he can’t be trusted to support you when you need it. It’s a massive betrayal and it is your instincts telling you not to have sex with him. I don’t think there is anyway he can redeem himself op and drugging yourself to put up with him having sex with you is awful. I think you need to split up and it isn’t at all your fault. It is his fault.

yellowsmileyface · 12/08/2022 11:49

Oh OP, I'm really worried for you.

If you're having to regularly drink or take diazepam, at a point you're going to need to increase your intake to achieve the same effects. Diazepam is highly addictive and very dangerous if abused.

What your children need is a mother who's in a good headspace, who feels happy, confident, and comfortable in her own home.

Please stop forcing yourself to have sex with him. If he's making it difficult for you to say no, then he's abusive, and you should think seriously about your future with him.

In the meantime, is it an option for you to get some counselling/therapy? I'm worried about what this is doing to your mental health, and I think you need someone to talk to about this in real life.

Shoxfordian · 12/08/2022 11:50

Don’t make yourself consent to sex you don’t want

Have an honest conversation, tell him you don’t want sex and the options are therefore for him to have sex with other people staying married or divorce

PlentyMorePebbles · 12/08/2022 11:54

I agree, you should just get rid of him, he sounds awful. If he doesn’t help you, it sounds like you’ll actually be much happier on your own.

FunnyBeaux · 12/08/2022 12:29

I think you should examine what it is about sex that bothers you so much. A healthy person wants to have sex now and again and absolutely doesn't need drugs to get through it.

Naunet · 12/08/2022 14:40

FunnyBeaux · 12/08/2022 12:29

I think you should examine what it is about sex that bothers you so much. A healthy person wants to have sex now and again and absolutely doesn't need drugs to get through it.

It’s not about sex, it’s about HIM. I bet if OP was single and met a man who was kind, empathetic, attractive, funny and cared for her, she wouldn’t be having this problem.

AgentJohnson · 12/08/2022 15:41

I just need to find a way of managing it.

This approach will negatively impact you mh and in the end, will ruin your marriage. What professional support did you get for your PND? No one benefits from you getting jacked up on alcohol and on prescription drugs in order become your H’s wank orifice. Please, please get help.

Luredbyapomegranate · 12/08/2022 16:08

Bloody hell OP no it is not better for your kids - you are going to end up with some serious psychological problems and possibly addiction problems if you keep this up. It will also destroy your marriage anyway.

IF you want to keep your marriage going, explain to your husband sex if off the table for now, but that you want to see a marriage guidance counsellor.

The problem is obvious the relationship with him, not sex.

or, If you have had it with him. Make plans to end it. But don’t have sex again till you actually want to.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread