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Original poster

Having to be out of it for sex with DH

59 replies

Bouncingavocado · 12/08/2022 08:03

Is there anyway back from here?
He understandably doesn’t want a sexless marriage. I find it so awful (since the birth of 3rd dc after which I was very ill physically and had horrific PND and he didn’t help or support me in any way at all. Just carried on as normal so I ended up with all the dc and the baby and the most awful PND) because I don’t feel that was about him anymore. I hear him coming upstairs after he’s talked about an ‘early night’ and I feel utter dread.
I can only cope by taking half a diazepam or some alcohol beforehand. He doesn’t know I do this but he does know I struggle with the sex.

I am well aware that it’s best for my dc if I can just put up with it and get through it and it’s not that often so I know I should. I rationalise that apart from when it’s happening and when it’s happening it’s awful and I resolve to get out of this situation.
I just need to find a way of managing it.

OP posts:
DropOfffArtiste · 13/08/2022 14:03

Wow! How did that conversation come about? "I'm abusing drugs and alcohol so I can tolerate being regularly raped by my husband"

"That's nice dear, all happy families. Pass the salt."

No wonder you have trouble seeing the wood for the trees.

YellowPlumbob · 13/08/2022 15:05

If one of my daughters told me this, it would take me all of five seconds to get in the car, go to her house, pack their stuff and move them in with me. Not on my fucking watch.

Im so sorry Op, please call Women’s Aid.

LittleSid · 13/08/2022 15:11

Bouncingavocado · 13/08/2022 13:04

I think my vision is skewed because although my husband doesn’t know I do this, my parents do and they are fully supportive of me carrying on if it means I can preserve my marriage.
It is helpful to see other people are horrified.

As a rule, I do not speak for other people but rules can be bent and I believe the general consensus is horrified.
You need to get yourself to therapy, pronto.

And with all due respect, your parents are from a different time. Today, we stand our ground. We speak our minds. We set boundaries and expect them to be respected by EVERYONE - husbands, parents and children alike. You are a woman first and foremost. You need to have boundaries. Secondly, you are a mother. Your children look to you to set the examples that they will set their own boundaries by.
I say this next bit with the utmost love for you and your children - you are a fool if you think your children don't know.

As a side note - if you were under the influence and your house went up in flames, who would make it out alive. I suspect you wouldn't be able to help yourself, let alone your kids and your POS husband would probably save his own arse first.

You need to get out of this relationship, seriously question the relationship you have with your parents and then learn. How do you want your children to be as adults? If their partner came to you in 10 or 20 years and disclosed that your child did this to them, would you be proud of them, of yourself?

Regularsizedrudy · 13/08/2022 15:15

What’s best for your kids is a healthy happy mum. Do you really think someone who never did a single night time or early morning is going to get 50/50? He might threaten it but it won’t happy. Get out of this hell, it’s already gone too far. This is no way to live.

Regularsizedrudy · 13/08/2022 15:15

Won’t happen*

Fluffymule · 13/08/2022 16:01

Bouncingavocado · 13/08/2022 13:04

I think my vision is skewed because although my husband doesn’t know I do this, my parents do and they are fully supportive of me carrying on if it means I can preserve my marriage.
It is helpful to see other people are horrified.

Fast forward 20 or so years OP.

Will you be fully supportive of one of your children drugging themselves to tolerate unwanted sexual activity with a partner or spouse?

Will you encourage them to carry on because it's best to preserve their marriage, that it is far more important than their bodily autonomy or boundaries?

If not, why not?

KittyCatsby · 13/08/2022 16:07

It's 100% your right to say you don't want to have sex anymore , as is his to say he doesn't want a sexless marriage / relationship.
I'm not suggesting this as a way to make you want sex again , but for yourself , have you should about having counselling to see why you have make that decision / to help your PND ?

crispsndip · 13/08/2022 16:15

Hi OP I had kind of got to the point of this in my marriage, and then stopped doing it altogether, and then we broke up. My husband had been vile to me at the time my children were born and like you I never trusted him afterwards— my whole body screamed danger.

The day I said it was over about half the feeling was elation that I never had to have sex with him again! Ever! My body breathed deeply.

Fwiw I have since had sex with someone else and oh it is just as it is meant to be. I was so concerned about getting divorced too, and it is horrendous, but actually it will be better, and there’s no way he will want 50/50 if he’s been such a toxically shit dad up to now.

Do you feel a bit jealous of me? That could be you, OP! If I can you can. The kids will be ok.

2pinkginsplease · 13/08/2022 16:18

YellowPlumbob · 13/08/2022 15:05

If one of my daughters told me this, it would take me all of five seconds to get in the car, go to her house, pack their stuff and move them in with me. Not on my fucking watch.

Im so sorry Op, please call Women’s Aid.

Me too. Any loving and supportive parent would.

Your children deserve 2 happy parents .

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