Having to be out of it for sex with DH

[Bouncingavocado]

Is there anyway back from here?
He understandably doesn’t want a sexless marriage. I find it so awful (since the birth of 3rd dc after which I was very ill physically and had horrific PND and he didn’t help or support me in any way at all. Just carried on as normal so I ended up with all the dc and the baby and the most awful PND) because I don’t feel that was about him anymore. I hear him coming upstairs after he’s talked about an ‘early night’ and I feel utter dread.
I can only cope by taking half a diazepam or some alcohol beforehand. He doesn’t know I do this but he does know I struggle with the sex.

I am well aware that it’s best for my dc if I can just put up with it and get through it and it’s not that often so I know I should. I rationalise that apart from when it’s happening and when it’s happening it’s awful and I resolve to get out of this situation.
I just need to find a way of managing it.

It is damaging to me, and I’m aware of that.
For some reason I find it hard to feel that matters when I think of my children.
I know if I left him and lost them 50% of the time is really regret not just staying there and putting up with it. It doesn’t last long 🙄
Im not choosing to respond in the way I do, it’s like a fear response so I just freeze and wait for it to be over. The diazepam takes the edge off it.

We've had couples counselling before and none of it made any difference re the sex, although he did realise that he hadn’t been as supportive as he might have been when I had PND. I’m on antidepressants now for the PND but I think by the time I started them it was fairly entrenched. Some of it was sleep deprivation I think as DH never did a single night feed and nor did he get up in the mornings - even at weekends - to give me a rest.

however my children aren’t aware of any of these issues, the youngest wouldn’t be old enough to appreciate it anyway, but even the other two think everything is fine.

You know its shit, wtf do you want other people to say? You don't need validation to stop it. Use your words you are not a doormat.

What do you mean 'He knows you struggle'? What does he say about that? How does he respond to that?

Why are you so angry?

OP is vulnerable, and might, in fact, need some support and validation at this point. Do you really think that insinuating she's a doormat and asking 'wtf' is a helpful way to approach this?

There is no informaiton in your post about what kind of communication has occurred about sex. Do you feel unable to say no to having sex with him?

Your DC will realise you are frightened of him and you don't love him, even if they don't yet realise you are drugging yourself to disassociate during "sex" which sounds more like rape.

They will realise eventually and they won't thank you for it when they go on to experience the same/worse in their own adult relationships.

You need to stop tolerating this abuse and formulate a plan to leave him.

I know if I always say no we will end up splitting up, so there’s no real choice.
He just starts kissing me and we go from there. I lie there and wait for it to be over.

When I was a little kid, I used to look at one of my friend's mums and know she was very sad. I don't know what happened other than it's rumoured her H was a drinker but saying kids don't know is not ok. You don't know what they think or know.

Also not good is what my mum said to me about "staying for you kids".

Get yourself every bit of help then make a decision. The status quo is not ok for anyone.

You need a divorce.

Any good man wouldn't continue to have sex with someone who doesn't want it - he's aware you "struggle" with it, therefore he's not a good man.

So you need to split up. You are entitled to happiness or at least not tolerating sex you don't want for the rest of your life.

Please don’t mix Valium and booze… it’s an easy way to go to sleep and never wake up. It depresses your pulmonary system.

If you need to be that far out of it to have sex, can you even consent? You're putting your mental health at risk and walking a fine line that may affect you for the rest of your life.
This is not healthy for you, your relationship, your kids.
Would marriage/personal counselling help and maybe a separation? He sounds like a berk btw (and I wonder if he does actually know you do this)
For the record, I am a single parent, have been for 13yrs. I love it. My kids are happy and healthy because I am. I got my degree as a SP, have a job I love, 1 child in uni, 1 in college and 1 in school. This is the happiest I've ever been. There is nothing wrong with going it alone. X

'I am well aware that it’s best for my dc if I can just put up with it and get through it and it’s not that often so I know I should'

There is absolutely no correlation between your children's wellbeing and you feeling coerced into sex which you neither want nor enjoy. How you have convinced yourself of this is beyond me.

How would you feel if you came to know your mother continually put up with non consensual sex, indeed used alcohol or drugs to cope with it throughout your childhood because she felt it was best for you?

How would you feel if your children do the same in their marriages for the same reason, or perhaps because they feel you might be disappointed if they divorce instead. So for your best interests they pop a pill and let their bodies be used?

This situation isn't going to resolve itself by continuing as you are. Left unchecked this ongoing virtual marital rape will destroy you mentally. And that definitely is something not in your children's interests.

i don’t not consent.
Im not into the sex, obviously, but I’m not saying no.
I have to take the diazepam about an hour beforehand else it doesn’t work. So when he starts making noises about an early night etc I will generally gauge how likely it is and then take a diazepam if I think it’s going to happen.
sometimes I just have to have a drink, if I don’t have time. And also I don’t have an unlimited amount of diazepam.

I don’t take it any other time. I’m aware it is addictive.
Im aware this isn’t a healthy behaviour but I just think if I can cope for another few years then my dc will be older at least.

This isn't a healthy behaviour as you've said. If you can cope for another few years (you can't, you aren't coping now), why did you post?

Not saying no, is not consent. Consent should be positive and indeed enthusiastic. Having sex you don't want. Allowing your numbed body to be sexually used, is hugely damaging. Prostituted women often use drink/drugs to numb themselves. Is that what you want for yourself/feel you deserve?

Jeez this is awful. I actually feel for both of you in this situation. I’m not surprised you don’t want to sleep with him but it must be awful sleeping with someone that’s drugged up. You need to separate. Both of you deserve happiness with other people. If you don’t want sex that’s ok and it’s not a problem plenty of women don’t want it. Please don’t stay together because you want the kids 100% of the time. He’s clearly a decent guy if you chose to have kids with him and he Deserves to find happiness elsewhere the same as you. Both of you aren’t happy clearly.

it must be awful sleeping with someone that’s drugged up.
No, don't cast this as some poor man having a bad time. He's aware OP isn't into the sex but carries on having sex with her anyway. That makes him a POS. Any half-decent man wouldn't carry on with a reluctant partner.

OP, there's never a perfect time to leave a partner you have kids with. If you're not ready to, fine, but stop having sex you don't want with him, it's soul-destroying and won't do your MH any good. And that's not good for your dc.

I’ve not cast him as a poor man at all. But it won’t be nice for him either. She can and should say no. She’s said if she keeps saying no they’ll split . She has a choice . He wants sex and if she gives it he’ll take it like any other person. Hence why I said split. She doesn’t want to sleep with him and that’s ok but it needs to stop happening.

Jesus fucking Christ OP, I take Diazepam daily (prescribed by Psych for CPTSD), and if you’re having to drug yourself up on controlled drugs to have sex (and I am loathe to call it sex; frankly I don’t consider myself able to consent if I’ve taken my full dose that day, however I’m single so it’s not an issue) then something is very wrong.

The fact your “D”H is willing to do that is disturbing - and he will know that you’re out of it, it’s fucking obvious. He is raping you OP.

What happens when you can’t get the meds any more? Why do you think it’s better for your DC for you to do this? What the fuck has your “D”H done to you to make you think this way?

This is the most disgusting post I’ve ever read.

Ever heard of enthusiastic consent? I’m guessing no.

Silence doesn’t equal consent.
Not saying no doesn’t equal consent.
Lying there unresponsive whilst your husband uses you as a wank sock does not equal consent.

He is taking it though, you’re right. He is willingly raping his wife who clearly does not want nor is enjoying the “sex”.

@Bouncingavocado what advice would you give your son/daughter if they told you this was how they felt about sex with their partner.

If you're not 'into' the sex, then why do it????
You are effectively being raped on a regular(ish) basis, because if your husband knows and takes what he can anyway, then he deserves a sentence. If he doesn't know what you are doing, then you are making him a rapist and thats not right either.
I suspect your husband, if not your upbringing, has brainwashed you into the notion that it is 'best for the children'. He makes 'noises' about an early night and you just dose yourself up and think he doesn't notice? This is not normal, it is not right, it is not healthy and it is most certainly NOT what is best for your children.
If you are concerned for your safety, I'll help. Just say the word. X

I think my vision is skewed because although my husband doesn’t know I do this, my parents do and they are fully supportive of me carrying on if it means I can preserve my marriage.
It is helpful to see other people are horrified.

Jeepers, what sort of marriage do your parents have?!

Have they brought you up to believe you don't deserve boundaries or happiness?