FURIOUS my mum cut my sons hair...then lied about it!

[Thewompingwillow]

Background: I have a 14mo LB who has beautiful long blonde curly hair, it really is gorgeous, typical beachy / wild child look. Both his dad and I agreed we wouldn't have it cut until much older, it was fairly long in the fringe but not bothering him or affecting his vision.

I have a bad relationship with my mum at the best of times as she has a habit of breaking boundaries and doing absolutely abhorrent ridiculous stuff that you could never imagine doing to your own child. I didn't have a relationship with her for years until my son was born and I thought I would give her chance to have a relationship with her only grandchild, up until now it was going well and she seemed to be really trying hard. She had made a few remarks about DS hair but I had explained all of the above.

She looked after him for an hour today while I had an appointment. I got home and first thing I say is "you have cut his hair". It is glaringly obvious as his fringe is now above his eyebrows on one side and completely straight. She denies it and says "I would never do that, I know how much it means to you". I tell her I can obviously see its been cut and she continues to deny it. When she leaves I go to look at the kitchen scissors and find them covered in hair clippings. I then look in the bin and find the clumps of hair. I then notice my son is missing curls from the back of his head and has a bald patch where some curls have been cut off at the scalp.

I'm so upset. I was the only one in my family with curly hair so no one knew how to manage it properly and I hated it. I can now look after mine beautifully and look after my sons beautifully too, his hair is very precious to me. His first haircut was the last milestone card we had left to complete and now that has been taken from me! She even threw the hair in the bin! I presume she has kept the curls for herself. I feel so betrayed by her. We have sent her proof but she is still denying it. I'm so astounded!

I hate this construct that says someone doing you a favour means you have to accept any old shit they please and epic levels of dishonesty while doing you that favour.

Obviously you don't. But there is a balance. It's not ideal that she cut the child's hair and more importantly lied about it. But the op's mother kept the child safe. She looked after him. That's the most important thing surely?

My boy had beautiful white blond hair and curls but once he'd had his first haircut, the curls never grew back and his hair went darker.

I would be absolutely furious.

I would go NC. She's broken your trust. It sounds like she will ride roughshod over you whenever she can.

I have never allowed my DM to meet my children due to her behaviour towards me as a child. My children don't miss her as they've never known her and just accept by very good reasons why it's not in their best interests to see her.

I would be wary of keeping a relationship going between her and my child because she may then be able to go to court to gain access if you then withdraw contact. If there's no relationship there in the first place, she can't do that.

Well obvious solution is no contact ever again. She can't listen, she gets no visitation. Ever. God knows what else she'd do that you said no to, what if the next thing endangers his life? Hair will grow back at least.

I'd be upset by the hair issue but it's the wider issues that make it more upsetting.
My mother has form for doing things against my wishes and then lying about it. I think she lies (even when it's blatantly a lie) because she just can't say sorry. She is incapable of taking responsibility. It's always someone else's issue/fault.
I don't trust her and we have gone low contact.
It's sad. I would like her in my life but she won't change, has no respect for me/my boundaries and I can't find a way to facilitate a proper relationship.

Horrible thing to do and obviously you can no longer trust her at all.

It isn’t the last milestone though - there are many, many more of those- and each is bittersweet. He is probably glad not to have hair in his eyes anymore though! Long hair on babies often looks cute to the parents but a bit silly to some other people IME. So I think the hair issue is smaller than the bigger picture of lying and trust breaking.

I don't get the attraction for beachy wild hair on little boys , and I really wince when I see boys with hair over their eyes , flicking their heads back to see .........
But it is your DS hair and not her place to cut it then lie ..

My DS was a little demon with scissors and cit his own hair , his trousers , paper etc . Not sure if he was chopping things at 14 months though.

But if the DS had cut it himself ( huge 'if', IMO), surely you would explain that to the parents and show them the evidence, not deny, deny, deny?

No, it was deliberate and I don't blame you for being angry.

Maybe (if the DS had cut it himself ) the MIL would know the OP would be angry that her DS had got hold of scissors unsupervised .
So easier to lie than take the blame

Ah , Mum not MIL

It's the fact that she's even still denying it after showing her evidence. Your mum is not alright in the head, because if someone could just blatantly lie like that then I wouldn't put anything pass them.

Funny you say that. My son has multiple allergies including anaphylaxis and he came home from hers every time being sick after. She denied ever giving him anything but now I'm not so sure. We figured it was an unknown environmental allergy which is the reason she came to my house this time! I have cut contact with her, this time for good.

He's 14 months old. I doubt he's tried to cut it himself

I'd actually want to cut a chunk of her hair off at the base. What a bitch. She's had no right to do that. I'd raise it with her and cut contact or go very low contact and not unsupervised which does suck if you need childcare but she's shown she can't be trusted.

"You were upset over your grandchild having their hair cut? Upset? Seriously?
It's hair. Not a limb. It will grow back"

Upset maybe too strong a word. Sad. It had to happen but it was amazing hair, and it never does grow back quite the same. Regardless, hair may not mean anything to some people but it clearly does to others.

I think you misunderstood me. I don't mean upset as in miffed it had been done or anything like that. He is not my child to make those decisions (which is the whole point of this thread). It was just a sad moment, it was marking the end of his babyhood and honestly I had longed to have hair as lovely as that my whole life. I was saying that I understood exactly why OP was upset this had been done against her will, because it is not a small thing.

I agree that you should drop contact again or at the very least not allow her to care for your son again.

you gave her a chance and she proved she hasn’t changed. Sadly people like this (who can’t respect boundaries) don’t ever change.

people who think this isn’t a big deal are failing to understand that the real issue isn’t so much the actual hair cut but the disrespect of your boundary, the lying on top of the obviously difficult history you already had. Probably because they haven’t experienced the type of parenting you did as a child, so they assume it’s the honest mistake of a caring grandmother.

So many people totally and utterly missing the point here.

Plus is the op's mum a hairdresser? Bet it looks really shit.

So now you know.
She can't be trusted.
Imo you were too trusting to allow unsupervised in the first place.

She was trying to put you in your place op. Your wishes regarding your ds aren't as important to her as her own.

Your ds will most certainly not be missing out by not having her in his life.
*been nc for 20 years. Dc aren't damaged.

Unlike if they had been around her...

Spectacularly missing the point.

No. It’s not. Keeping him safe is a given. The OP’s mum had been told the reasons they weren’t cutting his hair, obviously didn’t agree with it, bided her time and then did it anyway. And then lied. And I can’t believe anyone would think a 14 month old could cut his own hair - if the OP’s mum allowed him anywhere near scissors at that age, she’d never get near him again if he was my child. It was a big deal to the OP, to the extent that she was going to record his first haircut and obviously keep the curls. It’s something the OP will never get back and her mum picked up on that and deliberately sabotaged it - even threw the hair in the bin. It’s about control. And it’s unforgivable.

I would be cutting her hair at the scalp and telling her not to worry as it will grow back. No harm done huh! This would definitely upset me and I would not see her again.

Zombie thread!!

Ugh, good spot!

What did you think would happen? You should never have let her anywhere near your child.

Time to go NC.