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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Guys disappearing after sex

56 replies

NameChanger567 · 11/08/2022 20:21

A while ago this guy pretended that he wanted a relationship (met him through online dating) and then ghosted me after sex.

Has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
SafeHeaven · 11/08/2022 20:22

It’s very common unfortunately 🙁

Original poster
NameChanger567 · 11/08/2022 20:37

I don't understand why they do that though. Why don't they just say they are looking for a one night stand and then find someone who is also looking for that?

OP posts:
cookiecreammmpie · 11/08/2022 20:46

If you have sex early on though, it's the risk you take. No judgement from me as I've had casual sex myself, but having sex with someone doesn't guarantee a relationship and he doesn't owe you anything. People can change their minds and be flaky without it all being pre meditated.

minticecreamisjustok · 11/08/2022 20:51

It's happens a lot, many do state what they are looking for but some are selfish and don't care who they hurt and will say anything to get what they want.
One guy I was seeing seriously over a year before I realised he was just stringing me along.

Justcallmebebes · 11/08/2022 20:57

No judgement but don't sleep with them on the first date. A bloke who wants a relationship will be prepared to get to know you first.

Long happy relationships do happen after a first time meeting shag and all power to that, but I think it's the exception rather than the rule, especially with OLD. And remember, people on OLD can tell you any old shit they want to and be anyone you want them to be

NotTooOldPaul · 11/08/2022 21:00

I used online dating a while ago.

I think I was a bit slow as a couple of ladies who I dated said a cuddle would have been nice.
I went on a date and we went for an Indian meal and talked for hours, no sex, no cuddle, nothing.
A week later we met again, same restaurant, we talked loads, went back to my flat and had sex, we agree that it was the best sex ever,
two years later we got married, 18 years later we are still together and still love each other.
It can work well.

Rainbowqueeen · 11/08/2022 21:02

Because they would have less sex if they were honest about what they wanted and that’s all they care about.

You need to learn how to weed these guys out. Focus on their actions, not their words. Are they acting like someone who wants to be in a relationship? Are they trying to get to know you and impress you? Or is the contact between you fairly generic where you could be any female body??

FlyingSaucerss · 11/08/2022 21:03

of course you are not the only person this has ever happened to. It’s very common

FlyingSaucerss · 11/08/2022 21:05

NameChanger567 · 11/08/2022 20:37

I don't understand why they do that though. Why don't they just say they are looking for a one night stand and then find someone who is also looking for that?

Some actually enjoy that though, tricking you, some men enjoy the chase then ghosting you, you can’t be that naive?

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 12/08/2022 00:11

Why don't they just say they are looking for a one night stand and then find someone who is also looking for that?

Because the vast majority of women on OLD would reject them immediately.

Unless you look like Chris Hemsworth or have the charisma of Mick Jagger, your unlikely to "score" as it were. Women are inundated with offers for cheap sex. They can afford to be choosy. Offers of true love, not so much.

In my experience, most women on OLD are hoping for at least the potential of a relationship - even if they wouldn't be averse to the odd hot fling occuring, during the search.

Anon778833 · 12/08/2022 00:13

Men who put on their profile that they are just looking for sex get zero interest or engagement. So they lie.

Its shit and I don’t do online dating any more. Avoid sleeping with them as long as you can. You’ll soon find out if they are genuine. Don’t make anything easy for them.

Joey69 · 12/08/2022 07:20

Anon778833 · 12/08/2022 00:13

Men who put on their profile that they are just looking for sex get zero interest or engagement. So they lie.

Its shit and I don’t do online dating any more. Avoid sleeping with them as long as you can. You’ll soon find out if they are genuine. Don’t make anything easy for them.

Society has moved on, men used to have to be married to in relationships to have access to sex, those days are over with dating app and hookup sites men have no reason to have to get into relationships anymore

Ilovemycat1 · 12/08/2022 08:19

Happens all the time
Some of them ghost if you dont have sex (and tell them you would want relationship)

The 'relationship' box can be ticked but it doesnt always correlate with the truth
Most of them out that knowing full well more woman will swipe on it

We have an utter pervert at work who uses online apps constantly
Porn addict type
He used to have his as dont know yet - changed in the past few months to relationship to get more 'pussy' as he so nicely calls it
He says 'he is full on' until he gets sex - then backs off and makes 'them out to be crazy to get rid'. His words. He is nearly 40

I dont use the apps any more (single) as there was so much behaviour as above
I would only use them now if I wanted a hookup because thats the highest probability of what you will get from it - i genuinely would not expect any thing more

Ilovemycat1 · 12/08/2022 08:20

Anon778833 · 12/08/2022 00:13

Men who put on their profile that they are just looking for sex get zero interest or engagement. So they lie.

Its shit and I don’t do online dating any more. Avoid sleeping with them as long as you can. You’ll soon find out if they are genuine. Don’t make anything easy for them.

Same
I think most switched on woman with the expierence of online have realised this and abandoned ship

Its just too risky unless you are genuinely looking for a hookup too

Gaveitall · 12/08/2022 08:24

Stick with Mumsnet. You’ll learn a lot especially about how some men treat some women.
A real eye opener.
What you describe happens all the time.
Lessons learned.

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/08/2022 08:25

Justcallmebebes · 11/08/2022 20:57

No judgement but don't sleep with them on the first date. A bloke who wants a relationship will be prepared to get to know you first.

Long happy relationships do happen after a first time meeting shag and all power to that, but I think it's the exception rather than the rule, especially with OLD. And remember, people on OLD can tell you any old shit they want to and be anyone you want them to be

I made a guy wait 3 months because of this type of thing . He still disappeared after the shag.
Op it doesn't matter if you have sex in the first date or the tenth date if they are planning on using you they will.

Speechdelaymamma · 12/08/2022 08:42

It’s an ego boost for them. Sometimes the longer you make them wait the more interesting the game becomes. Commitment issues, misogyny, loneliness to name a few attribute to this culture of women being bodies for me to do what they please with. There’s no fool proof plan to avoid being ghosted after sex, but you’ll eventually start seeing the signs from those who haven’t mastered the game well enough.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/08/2022 08:46

NameChanger567 · 11/08/2022 20:37

I don't understand why they do that though. Why don't they just say they are looking for a one night stand and then find someone who is also looking for that?

Because most women won't shag them otherwise.

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/08/2022 08:48

Ilovemycat1 · 12/08/2022 08:19

Happens all the time
Some of them ghost if you dont have sex (and tell them you would want relationship)

The 'relationship' box can be ticked but it doesnt always correlate with the truth
Most of them out that knowing full well more woman will swipe on it

We have an utter pervert at work who uses online apps constantly
Porn addict type
He used to have his as dont know yet - changed in the past few months to relationship to get more 'pussy' as he so nicely calls it
He says 'he is full on' until he gets sex - then backs off and makes 'them out to be crazy to get rid'. His words. He is nearly 40

I dont use the apps any more (single) as there was so much behaviour as above
I would only use them now if I wanted a hookup because thats the highest probability of what you will get from it - i genuinely would not expect any thing more

Well isn't he a treat? Mental age of 12.

Forcefield · 12/08/2022 08:57

It's good for women to be aware of this.

crumpet · 12/08/2022 09:02

NameChanger567 · 11/08/2022 20:37

I don't understand why they do that though. Why don't they just say they are looking for a one night stand and then find someone who is also looking for that?

Their sex pool is wider if they aim for people who want 1 night stands AND people who want a relationship.

TossACoinToYerWitcher · 12/08/2022 10:15

Ilovemycat1 · 12/08/2022 08:19

Happens all the time
Some of them ghost if you dont have sex (and tell them you would want relationship)

The 'relationship' box can be ticked but it doesnt always correlate with the truth
Most of them out that knowing full well more woman will swipe on it

We have an utter pervert at work who uses online apps constantly
Porn addict type
He used to have his as dont know yet - changed in the past few months to relationship to get more 'pussy' as he so nicely calls it
He says 'he is full on' until he gets sex - then backs off and makes 'them out to be crazy to get rid'. His words. He is nearly 40

I dont use the apps any more (single) as there was so much behaviour as above
I would only use them now if I wanted a hookup because thats the highest probability of what you will get from it - i genuinely would not expect any thing more

There can be decent guys on OLD - however, being decent guys they won’t go “full on” like your colleague and won’t use dishonest and manipulative tricks, so will appear less desirable/be outcompetes.

TitInATrance · 12/08/2022 10:29

As a woman … I have decided not to take relationships further because we were sexually incompatible. I haven’t ghosted anyone.

I am in my sixties and have enough experience to know what is and isn’t fixable. I’m certainly not looking for a ONS but sometimes that’s the way it is, even though the man is still keen to continue the relationship.

FlyingSaucerss · 12/08/2022 12:45

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/08/2022 08:25

I made a guy wait 3 months because of this type of thing . He still disappeared after the shag.
Op it doesn't matter if you have sex in the first date or the tenth date if they are planning on using you they will.

Show quote history

It will weed some of the ones out though he can’t be bothered to wait, why would you just sleep with them on the first night it’s literally giving them what they want, yes it won’t weed every man out but it will weed some of that out which is a good thing.

Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 12:51

NameChanger567 · 11/08/2022 20:37

I don't understand why they do that though. Why don't they just say they are looking for a one night stand and then find someone who is also looking for that?

Here is a valuable piece of advice. Stick by it, and you will have healthy boundaries and no drama:

If someone does stuff you don't like, distance yourself from them.

That's it.

Don't waste your time trying to work out why people do things. People do all kinds of things for all kinds of reasons. Half the time, we don't even know for ourselves why we do things, so trying to work out someone else's motives is pointless. Don't spend time or energy on people you don't get. You'll save yourself lots of time and energy. People that you 'get' won't do things you don't 'get', so you won't need to be figuring them out.