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Original poster

Guys disappearing after sex

56 replies

NameChanger567 · 11/08/2022 20:21

A while ago this guy pretended that he wanted a relationship (met him through online dating) and then ghosted me after sex.

Has this happened to anyone else?

OP posts:
Whitehorsegirl · 12/08/2022 13:14

Very common with OLD. They know that if they put in their profile that they only want casual sex they will reduce the number of women who will be interested in them.

There is also the fact that many men still have double standards, they often don't want to sleep with women who openly say they are up for casual sex on their profile (because they think it is too easy, there is no ''chase'' and they still judge women for enjoying sex just for the sake of it) even of it is what they want too.

So instead they trick the women who state they want relationships into thinking they are on the same page because they see these women as ''higher value'', more of a challenge, even if they know full well they only want sex from them.

Although there is no guarantee that they will stick around, with online dating it is always better to wait to know the person first and develop a connection (make sure you have common interests, matching personalities) than to sleep with them as you as you meet them.

But I also think it is fair for a guy who is not just after casual sex to decide that you are not what they are looking for in the early stages. To put it bluntly sometimes you are just not compatible sexually especially the first time and if you have not established a wider emotional connection, the guy has no real reason to stick around to work at improving the sexual connection. Or they realise they liked you enough to have sex with but once that's out of the way they realise they don't really feel they have a wider connection with you and they decide that you are not really girlfriend material. Better to end it then than continue to string someone along.

gotelltheoldmandowntheroad · 12/08/2022 13:21

Yes many people because so many men are on there for just that. Can you go out and meet people? Also maybe having sex should wait until you know the person?

MidnightMeltdown · 12/08/2022 13:26

When I was OLD I would wait at least 6 months before sex. OLD is weird and unnatural IMO because you are meeting total strangers, and it takes (at least for me) several months to really get to know someone and decide whether or not you want a relationship with them.

With current DP we waited about 9 months, and DP was happy to wait.

If you're eager to have sex with someone after knowing them for only a couple months, then no problem, but of course you then run the risk that they're not really interested in 'you'.

MidnightMeltdown · 12/08/2022 13:28

Having said, I have no interest in having sex with virtual strangers, but I understand that other women, might be more eager.

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/08/2022 13:31

FlyingSaucerss · 12/08/2022 12:45

It will weed some of the ones out though he can’t be bothered to wait, why would you just sleep with them on the first night it’s literally giving them what they want, yes it won’t weed every man out but it will weed some of that out which is a good thing.

Show quote history

But why should a woman wait to have sex if she doesn't want to. If a woman wants sex on the first date that's her perogative but it shouldn't come as a surprise is she's then ghosted.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 12/08/2022 13:33

FlyingSaucerss · 12/08/2022 12:45

It will weed some of the ones out though he can’t be bothered to wait, why would you just sleep with them on the first night it’s literally giving them what they want, yes it won’t weed every man out but it will weed some of that out which is a good thing.

Show quote history

Why waste time? Shag them as soon as you want, you'll be ditching probably 50% of those anyway as they turn out to be not a good sexual match, then the remainder, if they're just aiming at increasing their "body count" then you know straight away instead of wasting 4-5 dates on then and starting to get emotionally invested.

ArtistViv · 12/08/2022 13:37

Never sleep with a guy unless he's made it clear you are exclusive and in a relationship.

Never become exclusive/ in a relationship with a guy until he has proven himself to be one of the good ones: is he reliable? Does he treat you well? Is there a good fundamental compatibility with how you live your life, and do your values align, etc? Take time to figure that stuff out when dating these guys, before things become physical.

Your pool of men will become rapidly reduced, however so will your heartache and frustration (tried and tested this method with success!)

Some might say this is old fashioned, I say it weeds out all the pond life.

A decent man with a genuine interest in you, as a person, will respect all of this. And that sets the tone for being respected by him throughout a relationship.

FlyingSaucerss · 12/08/2022 13:44

Oh yeh of course if a woman wants to sleep with men on the first date she should that’s up to her and I don’t judge that, but I wouldn’t advise it if you want a relationship and I don’t want to sleep with strangers each to their own though but I would rather get to know someone rather than test if someone is going to hang around by sleeping with them

DeclineandFall · 12/08/2022 13:50

It's the long con isn't it. They get a kick out of it. There's a lot of complete dicks out there.

hotfroth · 12/08/2022 14:01

NameChanger567 · 11/08/2022 20:37

I don't understand why they do that though. Why don't they just say they are looking for a one night stand and then find someone who is also looking for that?

Er... because they'd find it almost impossible to find women who are only interested in that.

Forcefield · 12/08/2022 14:03

The other problem with sleeping with people too soon is it gives a false sense of intimacy. Your don't discover if you are truly compatible, IME.

MidnightMeltdown · 12/08/2022 14:06

@Inthesameboatatmo

You think that 3 months is waiting? That's only 12 weeks!

Given that they are a total stranger when you meet that's no time at all. No judgment if you want to have sex that quickly, but I wouldn't call it waiting.

MorrisZapp · 12/08/2022 14:11

Men want lots of uncomplicated sex, ideally with a variety of partners. They consider women who also want that to be 'slags'. So the horse trading begins...

Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 14:13

MorrisZapp · 12/08/2022 14:11

Men want lots of uncomplicated sex, ideally with a variety of partners. They consider women who also want that to be 'slags'. So the horse trading begins...

*some men

Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 14:14

Never sleep with a guy unless he's made it clear you are exclusive and in a relationship

Unless you just want to sleep with him.

Lots of generalisations and judgements on this thread.

FlyingSaucerss · 12/08/2022 14:59

Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 14:13

*some men

Show quote history

*most men

ArtistViv · 12/08/2022 15:02

Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 14:14

Never sleep with a guy unless he's made it clear you are exclusive and in a relationship

Unless you just want to sleep with him.

Lots of generalisations and judgements on this thread.

Well in the context of this thread...

Of course if people want to just have sex then they should, but that's not what the opening post said. Unless I've misunderstood.

Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 15:07

FlyingSaucerss · 12/08/2022 14:59

*most men

Show quote history

*some men

Most men don't want 'uncomplicated sex with a variety of partners', otherwise the society we have wouldn't exist as it does.

You can't say 'What most men' are like unless you're happy to say 'What most women' are like.

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 12/08/2022 15:10

you'll be ditching probably 50% of those anyway as they turn out to be not a good sexual match

Exactly what a lot of these 'ghosting' men are doing. This notion that men who ghost after sex are just after a quick and easy shag isn't true in a lot of cases. If they think it's available they'll keep coming back. The fact is, some people, myself included, need to know if there is sexual compatibility early in a relationship in order to be comfortable investing time and effort into it. The idea of waiting months to find this out seems bizarre. Some people prefer to get a sample early, and if it's not to their liking move on immediately.

This doesn't excuse the ghosting because there's no excuse for not just dropping a 'thanks, but no thanks' message at the bare minimum, but the idea that all these people are after is sex just isn't true in a lot of cases.

Inthesameboatatmo · 12/08/2022 16:18

MidnightMeltdown · 12/08/2022 14:06

@Inthesameboatatmo

You think that 3 months is waiting? That's only 12 weeks!

Given that they are a total stranger when you meet that's no time at all. No judgment if you want to have sex that quickly, but I wouldn't call it waiting.

@MidnightMeltdown.

How long do you wait then? For marriage or something. 3 months is fairly long actually in the grand scheme of things and I don't usually wait that long.

UglyNameChange · 12/08/2022 16:35

Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 15:07

*some men

Most men don't want 'uncomplicated sex with a variety of partners', otherwise the society we have wouldn't exist as it does.

You can't say 'What most men' are like unless you're happy to say 'What most women' are like.

Show quote history

*men

You really think society is something where most of the men want and appreciates an monogamous relationship?
C’mon.
Does it look like that?

category12 · 12/08/2022 16:41

I don't think the advice to wait to have sex saves you from this sort of thing.

Some men are prepared to wait and still drop you afterwards - either because they just wanted the notch on the bedpost (or I guess just weren't sexually compatible in their opinion).

The time to have sex is when you want to, and not motivated by somehow sealing the deal on it being a relationship.

Any bloke who thinks less of you for having sex with him is all kinds of fucked up and you're better off without.

Watchkeys · 12/08/2022 16:46

What do *women want?

My point is that you can't generalise. Someone upthread said 'Men are like x', I said 'some men' and was corrected to 'most men'.

You can't say what most men want. A huge amount of men are in happy monogamous relationships. 'Some men' could be 10% of men or 90% of men. Unless you know what percentage of men 'want uncomplicated sex with a variety of partners', (if so, please give us that number) we don't know. 'Some' is as close as we can get.

The men I mix with are all but one happily married. Maybe the men you most mix with are having sex with different people every night. Who knows what proportion society is split into?

Casper10 · 12/08/2022 16:51

The culture is a bit messed up with OLD.

In my experience over past few years sex happens within about 6 dates. A few times its been about half of that.

I haven't been pushing for sex either but women seem to be quite keen as well.

Ghosting isn't nice of course but if you have sex after a few dates you must be doing so knowing there's no guarantees surely.

Joey69 · 12/08/2022 17:04

Shag them as soon as you want, you'll be ditching probably 50% of those anyway as they turn out to be not a good sexual match

i imagine this is exactly what the men are thinking, but they are also acting on it.