I want to leave DH but don’t have a reason

[oneHundredpercent10]

DH is the best father to our children. He has always treated me great, works hard but I just feel like something is missing. I don’t fancy him any more, don’t want sex, don’t want to do anything with him, everything irritates me. I don’t know if I could even afford to leave. I feel sick writing this but just feel like I am wasting my life. I’ve felt like this for about 3 years but go through phases of thinking it will pass. I would ruin his life if I told him, what about dc it would ruin them? I’m in such a mess

I'm sorry this is hard.

Roughly how old are the kids?

Have you tried marriage counselling.

they are primary aged children. Haven’t tried therapy or anything

The reason is the first half of your thread title ‘I want to leave DH’. That’s all the reason you need.

Is there anything you can do to try and mix things up? Time away alone so you are a couple rather than 'mum and dad'?

can you pinpoint when or why these feelings started? Or was the relationship always missing a spark?

You do have a reason. You're unhappy, and it sounds like you don't love him any more. Your feelings are a very valid reason.

Perhaps it might be worth seeing if you can get some counselling (on your own, not as a couple) and see whether that helps you sort things out in your head one way or the other.

@AardvarkLaughs I feel like I will
ruin his life if/when I do. I wish he would have an affair or leave me so I wouldn’t feel bad. I hate living like this. Would I regret leaving him?

I can’t pinpoint when it started and looking back at pictures or thinking back it was probably about 5 years ago and wasn’t always like this.
to people on the outside we look like the “perfect” family

DH is the best father to our children. He has always treated me great, works hard

There's a lot that's good there. Don't underestimate these character traits.

And you have primary aged school children who would suffer if you split up.

There is a saying - if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, it's time to start watering your own grass.

I would start looking at ways to try and improve things first before leaving.

Well think of practicalities

Where would you move out to? How would you support yourself

Will you have shared css as re of the kids?

I assume the kids would stay in the family home with their Dad, and you would have access

@GirlInACountrySong

it seems fair in this case

I don’t know where I would even go. I only work part time as I do school drop off/pick up so probably couldn’t afford to live alone. I would miss dc if they stayed with him, would he have to give up his good job to do the school drop offs/pick ups? I don’t know. This is why I feel I can’t do anything and have to just live this lie for the rest of my life or at least until dc are older.

I know you want justification and for someone to tell you the kids will be happier and it’s the right thing (and you’ve come to the right place), but they probably won’t be.

You want to leave then leave, what do you want in posting?

suppose if he had the dc full time I could
definitely pick full time hours up at work and afford to live alone then

Fair for the adults would be 50:50.
Most likely is EOW and one evening in the weekend. Arguably the latter is better for the kids. Staying with the parent that has more time for them too.

I would second the idea of talking it through on an individual level with counsellor. Agree with others that you don’t need a hard and fast reason other than the one you’ve already given.

This reminded me of this I saw once @oneHundredpercent10

Will you regret leaving? Only you can answer that, but I think if I were you I'd dig deep into what splitting up will mean for you, particularly financially. You say you have nowhere to go, that you don't know if you can afford to live if you split, so figure out how much money you'll need to live and whether you can make that via work and benefits. Go to the entitledto website and plug in your details. How much is a rental property round where you live? Will you be able to afford one? Will you qualify for housing benefit, if not?

It's all very well saying 'something is missing' from your relationship, but how much hardship are you prepared to put up with if you split up, bearing in mind that your DC will also be affected by your choice?

The grass ain't greener OP.

Sounds like you have plenty or reasons.

Thank you for all the replies.

i think things changed a lot after I had dc, I suffered from PND and he never understood. He used to work long hours and I’d be stuck at home, resentful of him going to work. Then I had to cut my hours and not abLe to progress because childcare always fell/falls on me. I think I still have a bit of depression now from it.

I don't think you need a reason but I would advise caution. I'm in the same boat. Don't fancy or love him anymore but he's a good man and hasn't done anything wrong. Our youngest is 12.

I've looked at rentals here in the South East, it would cost me £1,300 per month for a 2 bed rental. I earn 2k per month. The figures just don't work. I also don't want to only see my kids half of the time. And i know posters on here always say its better for kids that their parents are happy but i don't think thats true. I don't want to completely change their lives just because their dad irritates me. I can manage for a few more years then once the kids have left, I'll leave.

I know how you feel, I really do but just think before you do anything rash. I'm slowly but surely building up my savings so that when it comes time for me to leave I have enough money to comfortably do so.

I laughed when I saw you wouldn't mind if he had an affair, me neither! I be relieved to be honest!

@oviraptor21

So she only sees them EOW then. A little harsh but perhaps your right and it is for the best.

Cant agree that for the adults fair is 50:50 though. After all he’s not the one who wants to spend less time with his kids or leave their home.

Huh? This isn't how it works. The reasons for leaving and who decides has no bearing on either the custody arrangements or the financial settlement.

Just because you decide you don't want to be married any more doesn't mean you make all the sacrifices. If either of them have an affair for example, it will have NO relevance to the division of assets either.

@mewkins

I thought you were hypothetically saying fair for the parents would be 50:50 - I just disagreed but I was agreeing that what’s best for the kids should matter and if that’s staying with their father and only seeing OP eow that will be hard for her but ultimately it’s about the kids.