I want to leave DH but don’t have a reason

[oneHundredpercent10]

DH is the best father to our children. He has always treated me great, works hard but I just feel like something is missing. I don’t fancy him any more, don’t want sex, don’t want to do anything with him, everything irritates me. I don’t know if I could even afford to leave. I feel sick writing this but just feel like I am wasting my life. I’ve felt like this for about 3 years but go through phases of thinking it will pass. I would ruin his life if I told him, what about dc it would ruin them? I’m in such a mess

Have you spoken to him about this? I mean, it's a hideous conversation to start, but it sounds like it needs to happen. You can just let him know that you're feeling like something is missing and you want to explore ways to make it better... you could try marriage counselling to figure out what you want to do.

Is he aware in any way of what you're thinking?

@oneHundredpercent10

i think the first thing you need to do is see A Woman's health specialist. Get yourself properly checked out for hormone balance & everything else.

I have known
orople feel the way you do, have had their hirmknrs sorted out and finally felt like their old selves again, in love with their DH & happy with family life.

itz something you need to do for yourself whether you stay or go.

ignore the goady teats 'asking' if you're going to be the one to leave?! IF you separate, you both need to do what's best for the children & YOU need to do what you can to get back on track with your career & he needs to be paying CMS.

but first of all book an appointment & get your HK one levels checked out x

“i think things changed a lot after I had dc, I suffered from PND and he never understood. He used to work long hours and I’d be stuck at home, resentful of him going to work. Then I had to cut my hours and not abLe to progress because childcare always fell/falls on me. I think I still have a bit of depression now from it.”

This isn’t nothing, OP. It’s quite major. My DH and I have both worked and taken steps which support each other’s careers while also parenting. He hasn’t done that. And if he’s such a good father, why does the childcare always fall on you? It sounds like he’s let you down quite badly.

Have I missed something? It looks like the OP is the primary carer and does all school runs. If they can make 50:50 work then that would be the starting point. Bit pointless to discuss at this stage though as it would depend on lots of factors. I just wanted to make it clear that her decision to leave be the deciding factor in childcare arrangements (nor financial).

@WinterMusings makes a good point about hormones, although it's not easy to get a reliable check on your hormone levels. How old are you OP? If you are aged between 42-52 then chances are you're peri-menopausal and that can cause all kinds of changes in how you feel about yourself, your DH and sex. Feeling irritated by anyone/everyone/everything is also a symptom of peri so if irritation with your DH is a major factor in you wanting to leave and lack of attraction/intimacy/etc is up there too, could your declining hormone levels be to blame and if the answer to that is 'possibly', have you seen your GP and discussed it and have you considered trying HRT and seeing if it makes a difference to how you feel?

As a PP said, the grass isn't always greener, OP. I'd suggest talking this through with a close friend or a counsellor before making any decisions. As you said, if you're still depressed, that will be affecting your outlook.

Of course, if you're not happy, you can certainly end the relationship. But think it through and whatever you do, don't have an affair because it seems exciting. That won't solve anything.

Re. Affair. I know you haven't suggested this, it's just that people sometimes do look elsewhere when they're bored and it's not the solution, IYSWIM.

And in this case, as is usually the case, OP seems to be the main carer therefore better for kids would be to maintain that status quo . EOW for the dad. I'm sure you knew that was what I meant. I'm glad it has since been shown.

OP - you do have a reason - DP doesn't support you when you need him to be there for you.

The only reason you need is wanting to leave him. That's more than enough.

Be careful though. My sister did this. Her DH was devastated because it came out of the blue. They are divorced now. She bitterly regrets her decision and she would have him like a shot but he has realised he is happier outside the marriage.

Feel like I could have written this post, OP! In the same boat with my partner and we've just started couples counselling, too soon to tell how helpful it is, but it's at least opening a door for communication and trying to figure out what we both actually want. I do agree a bit with an earlier comment about "grass is greener" though and it may be better to find ways to make the relationship better than just leaving... Have you spoken to DH at all about how you feel?

I left xh for this reason and regret it every day. Every hour probably. Please think carefully through the reality of your life afterwards.

Good men are hard to find and being a single mum brings challenges I couldn't have imagined. The repercussions go on and on and on.

I suggest getting on top of your mental and physical health before making a decision. Please take it slow. I am sympathetic though.

LTR's also go through peaks and troughs. DH and I have been together for over 20 years, and we've had some boring and even unhappy times. We've got alot on at the moment sandwiched between teenagers and elderly parents! But we find enjoyment when we can, e.g., going out together for an evening and planning future holidays...which aren't going to happen for a while with our current responsibilities.

As I said in my previous post, talk it through with someone before taking any action.

People always worry about the effect of divorce on young children but weirdly never consider the effect on older teenagers and young adults. You'd be looking to divorce just as the kids either go to university or are trying to establish their adult lives - a time when knowing they have stability to fall back on is of the utmost importance.

Of the people I've known whose parents divorced, by far the better-adjusted were the ones whose parents did it when they were young. The ones whose parents split the moment they left home went seriously off the rails at university and beyond, and a common theme was that they suddenly felt their entire childhood had been a lie. And not one of them was good at building functional relationships themselves (except with booze and drugs).

As for the OP, I have no idea what will be best for her eventually but it strikes me as a bit weird to not even bother trying therapy and counselling.

I think if there was once love and attraction, there's a decent chance of getting it back if both partners commit to good communication and real honesty.

If you weren't that bothered about him to start with, well... this is the bed you made and now have to lie in.

Don't make any hasty decisions, OP.

I agree that looking into therapy and treatment for possible depression is the way to go before making any life changing moves that you might not be able to walk back.

Well thanks for the guilt trip, that's really helpful 🤔 I don't see how divorcing when the kids have their own homes and lives is somehow worse than divorcing when they rely on their parents for a home.

It's shit for children any age really.

Not to mention when the children are young, being a single parent is very demanding.

Are you unhappy with him or are you unhappy with you?

Will you be happier without him or will you still be unhappy?

Are you attracted to other people? Or just not attracted to anyone right now? Has your sex life gone altogether or just with him?

It's a big decision and not one to make lightly. Would you consider individual counselling for you first to see what exactly is making you so unhappy?

Did you write about this before? Sorry if not ,just seemed familiar thats all.Its hard with young DC ,working and keeping everything going .So easy to fall into a rut .Do you have any time together at all.Maybe a mini break or evening out would help.Thing is good kind men are hard to come by .Just on this site we see a lot of guys who are total shits or just play Xbox ,go cycling and so on.In reality your wages are going to run your home with DH .A very different story if you are living alone .Often you think the grass must be greener ,but so often its not.

This happened to my mil and fil too. Mil suggested a year's break after lots of problems. Fil didn't want a break. Mil the wanted fil back at the end of the break and fil realised he was happier on his own.

I'd say exhaust the options you've been given here, hormone check and counselling for you alone. See how you feel before jumping into anything.

It doesn't sound like you've even bothered to explore the reasons for your feelings. No discussion with your partner, no relationship counselling or personal therapy, no hormone check, no trying new things to get out of a rut, no effort at all put into your relationship. It's all very well having strangers on Mumsnet advising you that 'you don't need a reason', but in this situation with young children you really do need a reason'. Have you considered how you will feel and what your life will be like if the source of your unhappiness was within you all along, and you end up a non-residential parent with a ruined marriage and a load of mutual friends that hate you?

In your fantasy land of advising a username on a screen, yes. In the real world where her children's lives will be affected if she acts without exploring all other potential solutions, no.

Sorry that some people have jumped on you and are suggesting you don't want to spend time with your children, when you've made clear that you are their primary carer and you don't love your husband anymore. It shouldn't need stating that that is not the same as you don't love your children anymore, of course.

You must feel trapped. Noone wants to live with a partner who they don't love. I feel for you. And also for your husband who must also be hurt by this (I assume he's noticed!).

A couple of things spring to mind - firstly, some solo therapy might help you unpick your feelings. You mentioned the resentment that he didn't support you when you suffered with PND. It may be that his selfishness has impacted you and turned you 'off' him. When you better understand that, you can decide if he's basically a decent husband and father and it's worth making an effort or if, actually, there is more to this and you would be better off away from him.

Secondly - if he is basically a decent person who you've just fallen out of love with - please give it a chance before you leave him. I can't imagine how I would feel if my DH, who I love, told me he'd fallen out of love, wasn't sure why, but he wouldn't discuss it and give us the chance at least to try making it work. That wouldn't be fair.

If after therapy, if after talking to him and trying to understand what this is about and if it can helped, if then you feel more certain that you don't have a future, you will at least have tried.

Thank you for all the helpful comments.

i think that’s a good idea to have hormones checked, is this something the GP would do? It’s really hard to get an appointment with GP