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Original poster

Death grip or low sex drive

69 replies

stnoa · 11/08/2022 12:29

Been seeing someone new and we've not been having much sex (well not as much as I'm used to in the early stages).

I thought he had a low sex drive but I've been reading about "death drip" on here and I'm now wondering if it's that? Are there any signs that would suggest one over the other?

The other option is that he's not that into me. This was actually my first assumption but in every other way he seems really keen and instigating spending a lot of time together, giving compliments, introducing me to family and friends as gf/partner

I've tried to bring it up subtly and he always just says he's tired and reassures me it's nothing to do with not fancying me

OP posts:
AudTheDeepMinded · 11/08/2022 12:36

Who cares what the issue is. He's not bothering to sort it out or discuss it with you. It will not magically get better the longer you stick it out. I would have one frank discussion about expectations and if he refuses to engage I would set my sights a little higher.

Aikko · 11/08/2022 12:41

Either he has a low sex drive, or he's been wanking himself off too much.

Like the poster above said; if he's not willing to acknowledge or talk your concerns, the situation won't change.

Original poster
stnoa · 11/08/2022 12:48

I agree he should be open to discuss it but if he had a low sex drive I'd be willing to work on it.

However if he wasn't interested as he was spending his time wanking off instead I'd have absolutely zero interest

OP posts:
Original poster
stnoa · 11/08/2022 12:50

We do have sex and when we do it's good, it's the quantity rather than the quality. It's not so infrequent I couldn't live with it but if it's due to the fact he's got more interest in porn than me then he can f*ck off

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2022 12:51

You're not sexually compatible. I'd be ending it and moving on.

QueSyrahSyrah · 11/08/2022 12:53

Honestly Mumsnet is the only place I've ever heard of 'death grip' and I've not exactly lead a sheltered life. I really don't know what the incidence rate of it is in real life outside of these boards, and it certainly wouldn't be the first thing that occurred to me over other scenarios.

You won't know either way unless you talk to him about it.

Original poster
stnoa · 11/08/2022 12:56

I will talk to him about it but just can't imagine many men openly admitting they don't want to have sex as they're too interested in wanking off to porn instead

Also if someone has a low sex drive to they know or do they just think it's normal to want sex the amount they do?

OP posts:
squishee · 11/08/2022 12:58

Ask him?

If he doesn’t want PIV, does he at least satisfy you in other ways? If not, bin him off. If yes, there is possibility something to work with.

QueSyrahSyrah · 11/08/2022 13:00

Well you could start with 'are you happy with the amount of sex we're having, because I fancy you and I'd like to have more' and see where that conversation goes.

As I understood (from MN only) death grip is more commonly associated with an inability to cum during intercourse, rather than a lack of desire for intercourse? I could be wrong of course.

Basing this on my experience only, I've found that the more sex (of whatever kind) someone is having, the more they want, so I'd have thought a Man that was wanking twice a day would be up for it whenever.

Original poster
stnoa · 11/08/2022 13:00

I'm not sure how to ask without offending him? What if it is a medical issue or low sex drive then me asking just adds more pressure?

OP posts:
QueSyrahSyrah · 11/08/2022 13:05

Well in the real world it's much more likely to be one of those two things than it is an addiction to porn, unless you have any other evidence to suggest the latter which you haven't mentioned?

Wherearemymarbles · 11/08/2022 13:05

Maybe he doesnt think he has a low sex drive
goes back to the annie hall scene
woody allen to therapist: ‘we never have sex’
diane keaton therapist: ‘we have sex all the time’
therapist: how often do you have sex?
both: 3 times a week

It seems to be every woman blames porn or death grip rather than understanding significant numbers of men are happy with sex a few times a month

TitInATrance · 11/08/2022 13:06

I know we are on one of those boards, but my ex had issues with ‘death grip’ - he identified it as the problem.

I’ve just stopped seeing an OLD chap after a few dates because of similar issues. He’s very keen, so am I. I’m gutted but I have a relatively high sex drive and I know exactly how things would turn out.

Original poster
stnoa · 11/08/2022 13:08

QueSyrahSyrah · 11/08/2022 13:05

Well in the real world it's much more likely to be one of those two things than it is an addiction to porn, unless you have any other evidence to suggest the latter which you haven't mentioned?

No evidence of the other at all but I'm not in the habit of checking up in partners (I'd leave by that stage). I'd never heard of death grip til I read another MN post and it's got me thinking.

Anything else I'd be willing to work on but not that

OP posts:
gannett · 11/08/2022 13:10

Being able to talk about your sex life is fairly fundamental to a healthy relationship. Yes it's awkward in the early stages but it's not a great sign for the future if you don't feel able to broach the subject.

If you want to have more sex, tell him! There could be any number of reasons for him wanting less sex than you but if you don't talk about it you won't know and you won't resolve it.

Original poster
stnoa · 11/08/2022 13:11

Wherearemymarbles · 11/08/2022 13:05

Maybe he doesnt think he has a low sex drive
goes back to the annie hall scene
woody allen to therapist: ‘we never have sex’
diane keaton therapist: ‘we have sex all the time’
therapist: how often do you have sex?
both: 3 times a week

It seems to be every woman blames porn or death grip rather than understanding significant numbers of men are happy with sex a few times a month

This is exactly what I'm wondering!! It's just less than I'm used to but when we do have sex I do enjoy it and so far the rest of the relationship is good

We had a conversation where I said I didn't feel desired and wasn't sure if he was sexually attracted to me. He genuinely seemed surprised and couldn't believe I felt that way. He's been really reassuring (verbally) and is very tactile. This chat was the other day and I'm now kicking myself that I didn't say it was the lack of sex that was giving me the doubts - that was my perfect opportunity

OP posts:
AdamRyan · 11/08/2022 13:32

Death grip is a desensitisation to sex because of getting used to wanking with a hard grip. So sex taking ages, him struggling to cum. In my sad experience it's more associated with wanting sex often than not much.

It sounds like his sex drive is lower than yours and affected by tiredness/stress etc which is all totally normal. You haven't said anything about how old you are, how frequent it is etc. I think its worth talking to him about the frequency he prefers and if other relationships have had a similar issue

WisherWood · 11/08/2022 13:36

We had a conversation where I said I didn't feel desired and wasn't sure if he was sexually attracted to me. He genuinely seemed surprised and couldn't believe I felt that way. He's been really reassuring (verbally) and is very tactile. This chat was the other day and I'm now kicking myself that I didn't say it was the lack of sex that was giving me the doubts - that was my perfect opportunity

I'd revisit that conversation. Just start with 'you remember the other day when we were talking about...' and take it from there. If there's a reason, you could see if you can either address it or live with it. But he may think he's having plenty of sex. We get fed this idea that men want to be having sex all the time, but actually many of them don't. I think particularly if they know they could have sex if they wanted to, it does reduce the sense of urgency about having to have it now.

So chat with him. But just bear in mind that you can't, and you absolutely shouldn't, push anyone into having more sex than they're comfortable with. If it's really important to you, you may have to end things. But I would think about what your priorities are long term. Contrary to popular belief, there aren't loads of fantastic single men out. Generally they're either fantastic or single, but not both. So how important is that element to you in the long term?

Original poster
stnoa · 11/08/2022 13:37

AdamRyan · 11/08/2022 13:32

Death grip is a desensitisation to sex because of getting used to wanking with a hard grip. So sex taking ages, him struggling to cum. In my sad experience it's more associated with wanting sex often than not much.

It sounds like his sex drive is lower than yours and affected by tiredness/stress etc which is all totally normal. You haven't said anything about how old you are, how frequent it is etc. I think its worth talking to him about the frequency he prefers and if other relationships have had a similar issue

Thanks! It doesn't sound like death grip then. That's the one thing that would be a deal breaker for me as that would be something in his control and he'd be choosing wanking to porn over having sex with me

Anything else I could work but I'd need him to open up about it and that's the hard bit. Unless of course it is me personally - we've only been together 4 months and no ties so if that was the case he'd end it?! He's an attractive man and gets enough attention so wouldn't be hard for him to meet someone else

I'm 35 he's 41, probably have sex on average once a week but see each other 2-3 nights a week and stay over

OP posts:
Tinaaaaarrrghhh · 11/08/2022 13:39

QueSyrahSyrah · 11/08/2022 12:53

Honestly Mumsnet is the only place I've ever heard of 'death grip' and I've not exactly lead a sheltered life. I really don't know what the incidence rate of it is in real life outside of these boards, and it certainly wouldn't be the first thing that occurred to me over other scenarios.

You won't know either way unless you talk to him about it.

@QueSyrahSyrah

This. I’m pretty sure death grip isn’t a real thing or is so rare it might as well not be. It’s just one of the things some mumsnetters like to say comes with porn use because they don’t like porn. It’s a bit like “if you play with yourself you’ll go blind” lol.

Why would masturbation cause ED? That makes no sense.

Original poster
stnoa · 11/08/2022 13:40

So chat with him. But just bear in mind that you can't, and you absolutely shouldn't, push anyone into having more sex than they're comfortable with.

I absolutely wouldn't do this. Part of my reluctance to bring it up is that it could make him feel more pressure and that's the last thing I want. Obviously I don't want him to feel obligated as it wouldn't be fair on him, but from a selfish point of view I also wouldn't want us to start having more sex as a result of a discussion rather than because he actually wants to (ie I want him to want me as he's sexually attracted to me rather than because I've told him I want more sex)

OP posts:
gannett · 11/08/2022 13:43

Unless of course it is me personally - we've only been together 4 months and no ties so if that was the case he'd end it?!

Well exactly - I think those "what if he just doesn't fancy me" thoughts are your insecurities speaking.

At four months in if you weren't attracted to your partner there'd be absolutely no reason to stay with them.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 11/08/2022 13:43

How long have you been seeing each other? I would expect, particularly in the early stages of a relationship, that sex would happen every time you saw each other, pretty much.

I'm 3 and a half years into a relationship (don't live together), and it's still multiple times a day on days when we see each other.

I think you do need to revisit the conversation you had - this just might be 'him' and his sex drive. Then you can decide what you want to do with that information.

Dillydollydingdong · 11/08/2022 13:44

Does he have problems getting it up, maybe? A lot of men do, even relatively young ones, and of course they get embarrassed about it and don't even want to try.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 11/08/2022 13:45

Just realised you've been together 4 months. He may just have a lower drive than you. Up to you if you want to stick with that - it may get less as time passed, though!