Death grip or low sex drive

[stnoa]

Been seeing someone new and we've not been having much sex (well not as much as I'm used to in the early stages).

I thought he had a low sex drive but I've been reading about "death drip" on here and I'm now wondering if it's that? Are there any signs that would suggest one over the other?

The other option is that he's not that into me. This was actually my first assumption but in every other way he seems really keen and instigating spending a lot of time together, giving compliments, introducing me to family and friends as gf/partner

I've tried to bring it up subtly and he always just says he's tired and reassures me it's nothing to do with not fancying me

Mumsnet is the largest female centric forum on the internet, why on earth would you dismiss so many women’s experiences? I find it so odd that some women dismiss other women’s views and opinions so readily. I’ve seen plenty of men talk about how porn has impacted their sex life, maybe listen to them if women are so unreliable?

Are you hoping to settle down with this man?
Or is this just for fun relationship?

People have different sex drives it doesn't mean he has a porn problem

For the women who dismiss other women:
https://www.menshealth.com/sex-women/a27044367/death-grip-masturbation/

Deathgrip absolutely is a thing. It doesn’t cause ED, it causes difficulty in ejaculating and specifically difficulty in ejaculating without a very tight/fast grip action. I do sometimes wonder if deathgrip isn’t one reason behind the increase in anal among heterosexual couples.

Mismatched libido is the very devil in a relationship, but better if you’re starting with your eyes open.

No problem!
I think it sounds like he has a lower sex drive than you, also some people (women as well as men) are more sensitive to needing everything to be right to feel in the mood so if hes tired or stressed at work then he might not feel up for it, which is no reflection on you.

if once a week enough is for you but you feel he doesn't fancy you that could be your issue to manage

If once a week isnt enough then you need to tell him but it could be you aren't compatible

sympathies though, i went from a marriage to a death grip affected sex addict who wanted it all the time to a partner who sounds more similar to yours and its been a total head fuck moving from being told I have a low libido and I'm a problem to wanting sex more than its on offer 😬

I'd rather have the latter than the former though because the sexual connection i have with DP is unreal, he just wants it a bit less than me

What's wrong with only wanting sex once a week? At 41 that doesn't sound like an unreasonable to me, lower than your sex drive maybe but why would you think he must not be attracted to you just because he wants less sex than you? I certainly wouldn't be suggesting to him that there's something wrong with him if that's what you think.

Personally I think there's more something wrong with you if you need sex 3 times a week just to feel attractive - don't you think there are a hundred other things that he likes and is attracted to you for? Do you really think your value lies in sex? Do you think there's something wrong with a man who not constantly trying it on? That's the sort of attitude I'd expect from men who watch a lot of porn to be honest - my wife doesn't want sex 3 times a week, if she was attracted to me she would, the women I watch are always up for it and loving it.

If only having sex once a week doesn't work for you because you have a high sex drive and always feel like having it 3 times a week or whatever then it's probably best to end it - with mismatched sex drives someone generally always ends up miserable. If you want sex three times a week because you need it to feel attractive and valued then you need to work on your self esteem.

@Staynow this is exactly where my head is at!
I don't want to ruin an otherwise good thing due to my own insecurities. I also think I'm comparing it too much to past relationships.

For example if we're lying naked in bed cuddling or I'm walking around in my underwear in the morning, every other man I've ever been in a relationship with would try it on. In my head I've liked this as it's always made me feel desired/attractive (along with the fact I enjoy sex so it's not like I was just wanting to be objectified).

In my head I had computed the fact that he could lie in bed naked with me and not be turned on after 5 or 6 days without sex as him not being interested in me in that way.

Since he's reassured me about that (and the fact it's only been 4 months so he could easily end it if he didn't fancy me) I've been wondering what the other causes may be

The last thing I want to do is bring it up and make it sound like it's a problem or there is something wrong with him. If anything that's more likely to have a negative impact on our sex life. A) he'd feel more pressure and B) every time we had sex in the future I'd be wondering if he actually wanted to or if he just felt obligated

I wouldn't say I had low self esteem in general, it's more the difference between this and many previous relationships but maybe I need to stop comparing and enjoy it

Of all the times we've had sex this has never been a problem. In fact I've noticed he gets hard pretty easily as within a few seconds of instigating it (kissing etc) he's already hard without me even particularly trying.

Part of me wonders if he only tries it on when once he is already hard through lying together or kissing etc.

I thought he might not want to try it on in case he doesn't get hard so waits until that happens first? But then if he had an issue with that would he get hard so quick/easily at other times?

Absolutely.

"Death Grip" simply doesn't exist outside of mn. It's complete nonsense.

@Naunet

Because most of the people who say it’s a thing are women who are anti porn so have a reason to say it? Literally never seen it said from men and it makes no sense why masturbating would cause that.

The term was coined by a man - see the link I posted above.

Oh please it’s not real. It’s the womens forum equivalent of an old wives tale. It’s like saying if you touch it it will fall off - except now it’s if you touch it with porn it won’t work.

So even though it was coined by a man, it’s an old wives tale? 🙄

The fact your other relationships failed even though you were compatible sexually says a lot. Sex is just one dimension of a functioning relationship. And usually when no children, or other demands are involved in someone's time and body, it's easy to see it as a very important element. It's only been 4 months. What was your longest relationship and why did it end?

Maybe it is ED? Especially having read you say he seems to only try it on when he's already hard?

Could there be a possibility that's he's taking viagra or something to help and therefore only is hard then and that's when he has sex with you?

It’s like saying if you touch it it will fall off - except now it’s if you touch it with porn it won’t work.

😂😂

The people suggesting death grip don't even seem to even understand what it is. Lack of sensitivity from tugging isn't the cause of reduced sex drive, that doesn't make sense.

And I am not a fan of porn either, but given the way some people are on here: I agree with pp.

My longest relationship was an 8 year marriage and ended when my exH had an affair. I have a DS from that. Funnily enough even when the affair was going on (before i found out) and the marriage was in a bad place we were having more sex than this.

His longest relationship was a couple of years. Never engaged/married and no kids

Oh fgs
I am not a fan of porn because my exH obsessive interest in it ended my marriage when he started paying cam girls.
His sex with me wasn't particularly fun for me because he liked porn sex - all about the visuals
He also took ages and enjoyed a very firm grip when i wanted him - which he admitted was what he was used to from watching porn

I hate porn and say death grip is a thing because I've experienced it. I don't say death grip is a thing vecause I'm trying to scare people off porn.

100% fed up of gaslighty pro-porn posters on here pretending the place is infested with pearl clutching prudes. Its very rude and also disrespectful to people like op who are looking for support, not an agenda.

The "death grip" is nerve damage caused by fast, repetitive friction by a hand. It is a thing. I was a therapist who dealt with sexual issues, with part of my training in that area, and the way that many men masturbate to porn is totally different to how they masturbate without it. It becomes mechanical and, because porn is compulsive, it often becomes frequent. As a result, it can become increasingly difficult to ejaculate - not just because of the physiology, but because this kind of wanking solidifies neuroplasticity.

@LaingsAcidTab

But most men watch porn and don’t have this thing (that isn’t a real thing) so…
Literally only on MN is it a thing. Gripping it to hard, I mean cmon really?

Most men occasionally watch porn
Some men compulsively watch it and could be described as addicts.

You can't use the effects porn on most men to claim death grip is made up

@AdamRyan I didn't deny it exists, I said those who bleat death grip without knowing what it even means. This situation is not death grip.

I JUST said I don't like porn either, for similar reasons, so not sure where pro porn came from lmao.

Also, the vast majority of men my age watch porn and they don't all have death grip. That's why it's dumb to mention that every time someone has a sexual problem and isn't remotely helpful. Porn causes real problems in relationships but you'd think death grip is the real pandemic with how much it's mentioned here

Porn can absolutely cause issues to IRL sex lives but the problem with the frequency "death grip" gets trotted out on MN is that it comes at the expense of accepting that men aren't in fact horny all the time and always up for sex - a stereotype of toxic masculinity that's pretty harmful to men (and the women they're in relationships with).

Men have high sex drives, low sex drives, everything in between, just like women. Their sex drives fluctuate with time and life circumstances, just like women.

OP's partner's sex drive seems well within a normal range. Whether she's compatible with it is up to her to decide.