Page 3 | Death grip or low sex drive

stnoa · 2022-08-11T11:29:59+00:00

Been seeing someone new and we've not been having much sex (well not as much as I'm used to in the early stages). I thought he had a low sex drive but I've been reading about "death drip" on here and I'm now wondering if it's that? Are there any signs that would suggest one over the other? The other option is that he's not that into me. This was actually my first assumption but in every other way he seems really keen and instigating spending a lot of time together, giving compliments, introducing me to family and friends as gf/partner I've tried to bring it up subtly and he always just says he's tired and reassures me it's nothing to do with not fancying me

QueSyrahSyrah · 11/08/2022 16:34

@Naunet I'm not saying it doesn't exist, I just doubt that the amount of times it's brought up on this forum aligns with the amount of instances of it in the real world, and in this case with a low sex drive and no evidence of excessive (or any?) porn use it wouldn't be the first conclusion I jumped to, and nor should the OP.

FWIW I was married to a man with a porn addiction and an excessively high sex drive so I'm not coming into the conversation blind.

Original poster

stnoa · 11/08/2022 16:38

collosalbrainbearer · 11/08/2022 16:24

Also, the vast majority of men my age watch porn and they don't all have death grip. That's why it's dumb to mention that every time someone has a sexual problem and isn't remotely helpful. Porn causes real problems in relationships but you'd think death grip is the real pandemic with how much it's mentioned here

I don't know much about death grip as of never heard of it til I read about it on another post here. That's why I posted to find out a bit more and based on what everyone has said I'm now pretty certain it's not that

OP posts:

LaingsAcidTab · 11/08/2022 16:51

Tinaaaaarrrghhh · 11/08/2022 15:40

@LaingsAcidTab

But most men watch porn and don’t have this thing (that isn’t a real thing) so…
Literally only on MN is it a thing. Gripping it to hard, I mean cmon really?

Obviously, I'll have been seeing men where this was a problem because they were seeking out help. So I know it's a problem, but I have no idea how much it's a problem.

I'm more concerned with the killing of emotional intimacy and the objectification of others that porn has engendered.

HowlongWillThisTakeNow · 11/08/2022 17:27

stnoa · 11/08/2022 12:56

I will talk to him about it but just can't imagine many men openly admitting they don't want to have sex as they're too interested in wanking off to porn instead

Also if someone has a low sex drive to they know or do they just think it's normal to want sex the amount they do?

his sex drive will be normal to him, it’s not high or low unless you have a scale for comparison.
he might be happy having less sex than you are used to.
the amount of sex you want/ like might be more than he is used to / needs.

LotsOf · 11/08/2022 18:05

@LaingsAcidTab

I'm more concerned with the killing of emotional intimacy and the objectification of others that porn has engendered

Yes. Not to mention, I suspect women objectifying themselves now to a ridiculous degree.

Death grip, porn, anal sex, it’s just all too grim really :-(. I really do worry modern women are being led into a non-merry dance.

No comment on OP’s issues though, sorry. I just really feel you have to go with your gut instinct.

BTW, are you really attracted to him?

Stabbitystabstab · 11/08/2022 18:15

Aquamarine1029 · 11/08/2022 12:51

You're not sexually compatible. I'd be ending it and moving on.

Yup.
Been there, it won't improve and you'll end up resenting him

Tinaaaaarrrghhh · 11/08/2022 18:20

@LaingsAcidTab

Emotional intimacy os the same as it’s ever been

LotsOf · 11/08/2022 18:32

@Tinaaaaarrrghhh well I hope you’re right.

Weekenders · 11/08/2022 19:17

You've got something to work with here as the sex you do have is good. I'd approach it from that angle talking about what you enjoy about it and that you'd like more of it. Something he does particularly well, or either or both if you seemed to particularly enjoy.

Eventually you may find that you're sexually incompatible, but it's far too early to say that. And Death Grip is just MN bingo, thrown in on every thread on male sexuality, regardless of the context. It may be the issue here, but there's several other more likely explanations.

Good luck.

Joey69 · 11/08/2022 19:42

stnoa · 11/08/2022 14:46

Of all the times we've had sex this has never been a problem. In fact I've noticed he gets hard pretty easily as within a few seconds of instigating it (kissing etc) he's already hard without me even particularly trying.

Part of me wonders if he only tries it on when once he is already hard through lying together or kissing etc.

I thought he might not want to try it on in case he doesn't get hard so waits until that happens first? But then if he had an issue with that would he get hard so quick/easily at other times?

Show quote history

Based on this it sounds like there is absolutely nothing wrong him at all, I’m sometimes amazed at the crazy responses on this forum when it comes to men & sex, they are either lambasted for actually wanting to have sex, or acused of having ED if not walking around with a permanent erection.

@stnoa if you want more sex, just initiate more .

Palmfrond · 11/08/2022 20:00

Everyone is different, but in my 45 plus years of having a penis and 35 odd years of wanking, death grip is a thing, but it’s a symptom of waaay too much wanking.
The scale of wanking that is seen only in bored teenagers and the neurotically compulsive.
“Death grip” is defraud mumsnet cliche, but I’m sure it happens. It doesn’t sound like that’s what is happening here though. I’d guess either he isn’t super sexually attracted to the OP, or maybe he is one of those rare weirdos very fine people who have “self control”, ie the people who just have the one slice of cheese, only the couple of crisps, only the one glass of wine.

Palmfrond · 11/08/2022 20:01

*is definitely a mumsnet cliche

Inthesameboatatmo · 11/08/2022 20:17

I dated a guy once who actually did admit he had ed and was rather open about it. Were really good friends still .

alwaysontheloo · 11/08/2022 20:32

Not sure why some posters ay death grip is a MN myth, I had definitely heard of it before I ever joined MN. It's definitely a thing.
It's just that MN is a place women talk about the issues they are having with their sex lives and can do so anonymously, therefore you're more likely to encounter posters talking about it than elsewhere.

Weekenders · 11/08/2022 21:51

alwaysontheloo · 11/08/2022 20:32

Not sure why some posters ay death grip is a MN myth, I had definitely heard of it before I ever joined MN. It's definitely a thing.
It's just that MN is a place women talk about the issues they are having with their sex lives and can do so anonymously, therefore you're more likely to encounter posters talking about it than elsewhere.

It's just massively over diagnosed on MN, often completely inappropriately.

alwaysontheloo · 15/08/2022 17:47

@Weekenders I'm curious how you can know it's massively over diagnosed on MN? Could it be perhaps that it's a forum largely visited by women and they might talk about what problems they are experiencing with their partners? And people don't really like women having too much of a voice?

Because if it isn't death grip from too much rough wanking then is it possible that most men (and i say most because there is a lot of men seemingly suffering this) are just not up to sex these days?
What else could it be if it's not from rough wanking?

Weekenders · 15/08/2022 21:06

alwaysontheloo · 15/08/2022 17:47

@Weekenders I'm curious how you can know it's massively over diagnosed on MN? Could it be perhaps that it's a forum largely visited by women and they might talk about what problems they are experiencing with their partners? And people don't really like women having too much of a voice?

Because if it isn't death grip from too much rough wanking then is it possible that most men (and i say most because there is a lot of men seemingly suffering this) are just not up to sex these days?
What else could it be if it's not from rough wanking?

It's the go-to amateur diagnosis on here, so it's inevitably used inappropriately at times, often when the OP has nothing to suggest it as the cause.

Male sexual dysfunction can be caused by poor physical and/or mental health, medication, stress, lack of body confidence, body dysmorphia, low testosterone, previously traumatic relationships/sexual experiences, among other things. Yet a single paragraph OP on here has a dozen "death grip" responses, as if that was the only possibility.

Excessive porn consumption/masturbation is clearly a factor to be considered. It just isn't the catch-all answer it's often portrayed as, and in any event is often intertwined with some of the other factors above (ie. it's often a symtom as well as a cause of poor mental health).

There's a serious debate to be had about the role of porn and masturbation in male sexual dysfunction. It isn't helped by shouting death grip at every sexual problem encountered in a man.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/08/2022 21:12

I think there are two different things- death grip, he would be wanting to have sex with you but find it hard to finish and maybe have to finish himself off, because he is used to the physical sensation of his hand.

Wanking off to porn too frequently would mean he was less interested in sex full stop, or that he would want to act out things that he has seen in porn etc

Not being interested in sex much could also be a low sex drive which is up to you whether you want to put up with

Original poster

stnoa · 15/08/2022 23:16

Thanks everyone, I didn't fully understand death grip before but now I know more I doubt it's that.

Sounds like low sex drive or isn't sexually attracted to me. He said it's not the latter which I believe as this early in a relationship of you weren't feeling it you'd end it right? He seemed surprised that I'd like sex more frequently.....Everything else is going well so not ready to throw it away just yet.

The main dealbreaker for me would've been if I had no interest in me due to overuse of porn. If it's something he has no control over then I'm more willing to work on it

OP posts: