Always wanted a baby and now I’m pregnant I wish I wasn’t

[Briloida]

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My relationship isn’t going well so I think it could be to do with that but having said that, I’m 35 and always said I would be happy to be pregnant even if a relationship ended as I really wanted kids. Embarrassingly I was upset it was a boy and that makes me feel so guilty. I just keep thinking I wish I could go back to my carefree life where I could hop in the car and do what I wanted. I feel overwhelmed with responsibility and genuinely wonder if I was taken in by the idea that having kids is what you’re supposed to do. I have no maternal feeling towards the baby. I am so worried about isolation when they arrive and I’m trapped in the house. I will no longer just be me. Ever. And that terrifies me. I don’t want any of this anymore.

If someone had asked me a few months ago what I wanted most in life I would have said a baby, that it was my dream and all that was missing from my life. But actually I just feel stressed. Terrified the baby will have something wrong and it will be my fault, or that if (when) the relationship ends how traumatic that will be. And I’m pretty certain it will end.

But I’m just totally scared about my feelings. I can’t think of anything good about having this baby and it makes me feel awful. I feel old and haggard and like my youth has now gone and I resent it before they’re even here. Hate myself so much! Has anyone felt like this? I’m so so low. I’ve spoken to midwife and GP but there’s not much anyone can say. I’ve been offered medication and I have counselling. But basically I now have this huge obligation that I always thought I wanted and now I don’t think I do.

How far gone are you OP? I had this feeling of doom throughout the first trimester of both my pregnancies.

I think It's the reality of how much your life is going to change hitting you, coupled with major changes in hormones.

@HumunaHey im 26 weeks now. Been hoping I would feel differently for ages but after finding out gender I feel even more worried about my lack of feelings. Feel like such an awful person. I just want to go back to my old life.

I remember at about 6 months I thought 'what the fuck have I done?' I just couldn't believe I had to raise a human. I didn't know what I was supposed to do with a baby. How would I entertain a 5 year old? Or a 10 year old? I properly freaked out! That baby is now 13 and my entire world! Honestly it sounds like you might possibly have pre natal depression and need some support? Once they are here and you find out who they are they things will change x

@Qwertyyui i am SO scared! I just feel like what the actual fuck am I doing? I have those thoughts too, I don’t know how to do this. How can I still be me? What if I feel absolutely nothing, like I do now? It’s absolutely terrifying me. The whole thing feels like a massive inconvenience. Urgh I hate myself so so much, I am so worried.

I don’t think you necessarily have strong feelings towards the baby before it’s born, in case that helps. I had a shit pregnancy with twins and was so uncomfortable I found myself shouting about not caring how premature they were, I just wanted them OUT (this was from about 25 weeks 😭) - I still remember how horrified friends of mine were the way I talked so casually about that at the time.

I was terrified about having twins, about the whole thing, and fairly miserable in pregnancy. I think there’s this whole preconception that you’ll be glowing and serene and I was a hot miserable mess and then felt like a failure.

My twins are now 12 and the loves of my life. I guess I’m just trying to offer a shred of reassurance that how you’re feeling now could bear no resemblance to how you’ll feel as a mother. Keep talking to people and posting on here. Having a difficult relationship won’t be helping. I’m divorced now from their dad and that also counts as a major plus in my life 😉

I don’t have much advice sadly but I am in an identical situation so watching this thread with interest. I am 36.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thank you so much. When did you get divorced if you don’t mind me asking? I do wonder if that’s at the heart of this for me. I can’t imagine meeting anyone else as a potentially single parent so I also have resentment about that - how awful of me!! I have honestly wished this pregnancy was over, I even thought earlier I could have them now and they could survive but I wouldn’t have to be involved as they would be in hospital a while. What a terrible thing to think. I am so scared about it all, I don’t think I will be a good mum. I have no idea what I’m doing and im clearly so much more selfish than I ever realised.

@Sarabbb towards the baby and relationship or just the baby? It’s horrendous isn’t it - so sorry you are feeling it too

I think I felt similar to you when I was pregnant the 1st time. It is horrendous, you are definitely not alone in this.
Had like no symptoms anyway so I didn't feel pregnant really until like 6 months, I was having twins and their dad had bailed when he found out I was expecting.

It sounds awful thinking back but I didn't want them in me, felt like I was growing my own prison.
Thought everything would be weird and wrong and I would be tethered forever to two children I couldn't even bring myself to love. Thought I was probably going to fuck them up by not loving them and I couldn't relate the foetuses to the idea of actually having children.

It really sucked the whole time. Then they were born, I didn't have that whoosh of love people talk about, I was just bleeding and scared and handed very scary looking babies. (Slimy and squashed and purple)

It took a few weeks and I started to feel more like a human, and more like who I was before, i think that was the hormones settling.
They started to grow little personalities and it was really weird but the fear and everything just faded and then I had these tiny little babies. I love them so much, and they are little children now and it is hard for me to remember the time I spent wishing they were not real because they are amazing.

And it was nothing like the prison I was imagining, where I would never be able to leave the house or shower or sleep. But honestly it was fine, there are adjustments like a car 'go bag' full of nappies, wipes and clothes and blankets and sometimes I had to plan my day around a nap schedule but it is okay, it is really really okay. The scary anger didn't last and now I have awesome kids who I can take everywhere. You will be okay.

I think this is much more common than is discussed. Can you talk to your midwife or gp? Hopefully they could refer you. My dsis got referred before her second ds was born about various anxieties and she was able to get some cbt sessions. She was sceptical beforehand but was amazed how it helped her.

We all need to move on with our lives - nothing stays the same with or without babies.You'll still be "you", just a slightly different version of you. A more tired version, yes, but you will learn and grow in ways you never expected.

@SpaceJamtart thank you so much. That’s exactly how I feel! A prison! It’s so horrible to think but that’s honestly how it is. I feel like I am no longer me. I want to believe it will get better but I cannot even imagine it given how I see it all just now.

@tobee i have spoken to them and they just say there is a long waiting list. I honestly don’t feel they take it seriously at all.

Completely common and fine. I think the idea that we all delicately rub our stomach while beatifically smiling is bollocks.

I was all WTF for a while even after the birth. She is my absolute favourite human now!

I'm sorry you're struggling but I'm pretty sure everything you're feeling is quite common.

I had no maternal feelings at all during pregnancy. I was terrified that I was going to be a rubbish mother, that I'd made a terrible mistake, I had awful dreams and terrible rows with DH... and I remember being disappointed to learn that we were having a girl. I'd actually forgotten that part until I read your thread and it came back to me.

I won't lie and tell you everything falls into place as soon as Baby arrives because honestly, it is a huge adjustment. You may fall in love with Baby at first sight, you may not. Your mood may lift once your hormones return to normal, or you may have PND (I did). Either way, you will adjust and find your feet. Get treatment if you need it - it does work and you'll feel like a new person.

And maybe you'll find this helpful - something my DSis told me and I think she was spot on: You have to fall apart a bit before you can rebuild yourself as a mother. I think it's very true, especially for those of us who don't feel naturally maternal.

What if I don’t bond with a boy. I mean I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing.

It’s so strange as I really thought I was the most maternal person ever! I really did. It’s like that was a version of me that no longer exists. So strange.

Feed one end, keep the other end clean, hold him a lot.

That's all. Really. That's it, no trick. Everything else flows from those.

Breathe.

If it makes you feel better, we spent 10k on ivf, I got pregnant and my first thought was ‘well obviously I’ll need to have an abortion because I’m not ready for this’ (despite me being 36 at the time, 2+ years of trying to get pregnant and a year of invasive fertility treatment). I think it’s quite common to panic 😊

OP What you’re feeling is really normal, just not talked about very often. At 6 months I thought wtf are you doing. And it took me many many months to recognise feeling love for both of mine. There was some kind of Instinctual autopilot that carried me through the first year.

I think if you can work out early on your child’s routine (not forcing one on them but how they roll naturally) then you can pretty much still get up and go, just strap them on to your chest and head out.

it’s a terrifying prospect being responsible for another human but you can keep yourself alive so you can do it for another. whispers it’s really not that hard if you don’t pressure yourself to be perfect. (And I say that as someone who had a very difficult baby and child).

Don’t compare yourself to anyone else. There is no normal, there’s no right way to be a mum.

can’t help with the partner side of things though. That’s something you need to work out for yourself. I will say however that hormones can really turn you off someone you’ve previously adored.

My second child was a boy, and it took me a while to comes to terms with it as I was convinced I would be having a second daughter. My boy, now 3, is the absolute joy of my life. You will bond with him and one day you’ll think to yourself ‘I can’t imagine ever not having/wanting this exact child in my life’

Let yourself feel how you feel. Don't worry about the guilt. I can honestly say from experience that everything falls into place eventually.

The thing with gender disappoint(prior to birth) is that the baby is not born and so you don't know them. You are idealising the theory of having a girl but, in reality, when your child is born, particularly when their personality develops, it really doesn't matter if you have a boy or a girl, you just love them. I must stress, as PP have said, these feelings might not come straight away, but they will develop. I spent the first few months with both my two on autopilo, caring for them out of duty. The deep love didn't set in straight away.

Go easy on yourself. Your feelings are normal and reasonable. It's a lot for a woman to go through.

The thing with motherhood is that if most of us are being honest we don’t have a clue what we are doing.
When they are babies they need to feed, sleep and have nappy changed. Most want to be held the majority of the time. That is pretty much it really, but we spend all our time second guessing ourselves about it all.
I was a nervous wreck before my eldest was born. I really didn’t want to be a mother and was in an unhappy relationship. Life wasn’t good but my eldest gave me the strength to finally learn to be a better, stronger me. I can’t imagine not having him now.

I could have written something very similar during my last pregnancy (which was also twins). It is a horrible way to feel- but this is not anything you have done/are doing wrong. It just hits some people this way, for numerous factors (including those crazy hormones). And it is utterly shitty for you when you are going through it. This feeling will pass, you will bond with your baby (although as other posters have said, it may take time) and at some point you will look back on this period and say, thank god that’s over (I can tell you that I adore my children with every fibre of my being and the fact that I can rejoice in them is all the sweeter for what I went through to get here). But you need to make sure you have proper help around you. You said you are having counselling- is that helping? I would suggest you see if you can get specialist perinatal support: I was referred to my hospital’s perinatal mental health team and they were excellent. They should normally act fast in these circumstances- do some pushing and shoving if you can. (gender disappointment, btw, is a very real thing (as one who’s experienced it) and anyone who tells you it’s not quite frankly hasn’t experienced it and isn’t in a position to make that assessment. So no guilt!). Hang in there. Thinking of you.

thanks @Xanthe123 I’m so surprised by how I feel. Just totally like I’m losing myself for another person. I worry he will look like my partner and behave like him and he’s turning out not to be the man I thought he was. I think that’s added to my concern about being a boy.

im also really defensive about my body changing. I can’t stand it. I had a good figure and I keep thinking if things end with DP which is likely, I really resent having a less than good body! What a mess I sound. I’m just hating the entire thing and wish it hadn’t happened yet I was absolutely desperate for a child before this… even crying myself to sleep some nights over it.

It probably doesn't help that your relationship is in doubt, that's a nice chunk of security you're missing, even though I'm sure you're capable of going it alone.
The thing is you haven't met 'you the mother' yet, it really does open doors in your heart and mind that you didn't even know were there (even if you have wanted this for a long time) and it's quite an adventure getting to experience this whole other side to yourself.
I say that as someone who never felt broody, decided to have kids for head reasons not heart reasons and the day before ds was born (having felt no love during pregnancy) was wondering with dh if 'I would love it when it arrived'. I was lucky and got the rush of love when he arrived so bonding wasn't difficult for me. Dh didn't though. He ploughed on through becoming a parent with non of the Massive Love to see him through the crying in the night... It was a whole year before he could say he loved him. But he was a dedicated father despite that. I'm not saying there isn't big adjustments and at first it feels like it will be Full On Like This Forever... But it isn't and it's fine. We had moments of just gritting our teeth and coping but also moments laughing or heads off and baby snuggles etc.

This baby will arrive and whether its instant love or not you will be a great mum, and at some point you will look back on how far you've come and marvel at the journey.
Your baby isn't a person yet and all you know is what you stand to 'lose' the rest is all a blank and fearful, mixed in with uncertainty over your relationship. The reality is that if you just do your best the rest will come and the life you have ahead of you is full of love.