I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My relationship isn’t going well so I think it could be to do with that but having said that, I’m 35 and always said I would be happy to be pregnant even if a relationship ended as I really wanted kids. Embarrassingly I was upset it was a boy and that makes me feel so guilty. I just keep thinking I wish I could go back to my carefree life where I could hop in the car and do what I wanted. I feel overwhelmed with responsibility and genuinely wonder if I was taken in by the idea that having kids is what you’re supposed to do. I have no maternal feeling towards the baby. I am so worried about isolation when they arrive and I’m trapped in the house. I will no longer just be me. Ever. And that terrifies me. I don’t want any of this anymore.
If someone had asked me a few months ago what I wanted most in life I would have said a baby, that it was my dream and all that was missing from my life. But actually I just feel stressed. Terrified the baby will have something wrong and it will be my fault, or that if (when) the relationship ends how traumatic that will be. And I’m pretty certain it will end.
But I’m just totally scared about my feelings. I can’t think of anything good about having this baby and it makes me feel awful. I feel old and haggard and like my youth has now gone and I resent it before they’re even here. Hate myself so much! Has anyone felt like this? I’m so so low. I’ve spoken to midwife and GP but there’s not much anyone can say. I’ve been offered medication and I have counselling. But basically I now have this huge obligation that I always thought I wanted and now I don’t think I do.