Always wanted a baby and now I’m pregnant I wish I wasn’t

[Briloida]

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My relationship isn’t going well so I think it could be to do with that but having said that, I’m 35 and always said I would be happy to be pregnant even if a relationship ended as I really wanted kids. Embarrassingly I was upset it was a boy and that makes me feel so guilty. I just keep thinking I wish I could go back to my carefree life where I could hop in the car and do what I wanted. I feel overwhelmed with responsibility and genuinely wonder if I was taken in by the idea that having kids is what you’re supposed to do. I have no maternal feeling towards the baby. I am so worried about isolation when they arrive and I’m trapped in the house. I will no longer just be me. Ever. And that terrifies me. I don’t want any of this anymore.

If someone had asked me a few months ago what I wanted most in life I would have said a baby, that it was my dream and all that was missing from my life. But actually I just feel stressed. Terrified the baby will have something wrong and it will be my fault, or that if (when) the relationship ends how traumatic that will be. And I’m pretty certain it will end.

But I’m just totally scared about my feelings. I can’t think of anything good about having this baby and it makes me feel awful. I feel old and haggard and like my youth has now gone and I resent it before they’re even here. Hate myself so much! Has anyone felt like this? I’m so so low. I’ve spoken to midwife and GP but there’s not much anyone can say. I’ve been offered medication and I have counselling. But basically I now have this huge obligation that I always thought I wanted and now I don’t think I do.

My friend was adamant she wanted another girl. When she found out number 2 was a boy she was horrified. Said she wished he was not inside her. She didn't want him. How could she love him? The idea horrified her and as soon as he was here her world changed. Now she had a hormonal girl and a mummy's boy who dotes on his mum and makes her realise boys are great! Honestly I adore my dd but my ss is way more chill than her some days!

I just don't think people are honest about how hard being a parent is so we feel like shit mums the moment we don't feel all ooey gooey all the time!

I also because a single parent When my dd was 15 months old. Best thing I did. I still great mates with her dad she just made me realise I wasn't in love with him! I am successfully remarried now to a great guy and I can honestly say dating as a single mum wasn't an issue! Not wishing the life on you at all but IF it happens it's not an issue honestly. To be honest single life was a breeze! Nee drama or worrying about anyone else. It was me and the little miss against the world!

I worry he will look like my partner and behave like him and he’s turning out not to be the man I thought he was. I think that’s added to my concern about being a boy.

No worry there. They are their own selves and no one else.

Give it a few years, once you have him and he starts to develop his own little personality, you'll be so happy you had him. At least, once you get to the point where he sleeps through the night xD

It might be a little socially isolating sometimes for the first 3 years or so. But you'll be fine once he hits nursery.

Ever had a puppy? I keep hearing that that's harder work xD whether that's true or not who knows though haha.

God. I'm 24 weeks and think every day about how dreadful life is going to be once she's here. Giving up peace and sleep, endless entertaining when she's older. I really have no idea what I was thinking when I agreed to this (I have two older DDs but DP wanted a child).

I don't like being pregnant but I'm also terrified of the newborn reality after such a long gap (youngest DD is 15).

But you know what? I also cannot wait to feel that love that you have for your children again. I didn't bond with either of mine after birth (took months/years, I had to get to know them as little people before I could love them). But that love is absolutely amazing and I promise you it's worth all the uncertainty and distress.

OP - I hope you are really absorbing the messages here. Society still paints this picture of the all-loving, all benevolent mother. As Vicki Iovine says: “we’ve all seen pictures of the Madonna - that’s what a good mother looks like”! 😀.

The reality is massively more complex and it’s a shame that there isn’t more open discussion about this. Apart from anything, it takes an amazing cocktail of hormones to make a baby - your emotions will be extreme at least some of the time.

What your worries and fears tell me is that you actually have a bit of a handle on how challenging the early months are going to be. What you don’t yet know - which is equally true - is how amazed you’re going to be by your little son, watching him change and grow.

It is extremely hard work and - particularly in the early days - you will have a range of feelings, some less comfortable than others. But as you settle into your role (and that may take some time), you’ll really start to feel how amazing the rewards are.

I was pretty depressed for the first couple of months after my first daughter was born. About 95% panic, anxiety and stress and 5% joy. I thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life. About 8 weeks in - as I’d got a bit more used to the rhythm of having a baby - it completely switched. It became 95% joy and 5% the other. I started to trust myself more and take pleasure in my DD.

I think Vicki Iovine is excellent on this. Her book is called something like The Best Friends’ Guide to the First Year of Motherhood (it’s undergone a few name changes since I was reading it 18 years ago but I’ve bought it for numerous friends over the years). Especially the chapter entitled Baby Blues.

It sound like maybe you weren't entirely happy before you got pregnant which you put down to wanting a baby. But now your pregnant you are not suddenly happy so your mind has decided the pregnancy is the issue!! I'd try and look at your wider life and try to figure where this feeling of missing out is coming from.

I probably can't say anything that will convince you that it will be fine, because I remember feeling the way you did at around your age (you are very young, believe me!).

I separated when the DC were 3 and finally got through the shitshow of the divorce when they were 7. I'm 52, and was 42 when we separated I think. It took me a while to want to start dating again but hand on heart I can say there is so much life out there to be lived even after you've had kids. I was really quite bored of my life pre-children in that it felt indulgent, a bit aimless, by the time I had them. Then overnight it feels like you've lost all your freedoms, ALL of them... to be replaced with this enormous overwhelming task of caring for a tiny helpless creature. There is something about seeing that tiny helpless creature lying there with you as the person it relies on to take care of it, totally trusting you to take care of it, that absolutely melted my heart after mine were born, and there are lots of elements to parenting like this that until you are in that position you cannot comprehend.

Slowly, you take care of that creature and it grows and you get your freedoms back - and you do, bit by bit - except what I have found is that as I get them back I really really APPRECIATE them. And for me that has been the magic of life post-kids. I now massively appreciate a whole day to myself. The ability to go on a fabulous holiday and read a book all day. Being in my own house with absolute quiet. Even, when I first did it, the commute to work and the chance to sit in peace.

Nobody can say anything to make you think you'll be a good mum until you ARE a good mum... just know that so many people think the same thing and then go on to feel massively proud of themselves for being a 'good enough' mum - for me this meant knowing that I am breaking some of the parenting habits I was given... for one thing, knowing that I am able to apologise to my kids when I get things wrong, something my parents never ever did.

I could have written this. I was convinced that something would be wrong, I wouldn’t bond, I didn’t want it….
I remember pouring out all my worries and fears to this midwife who told me to write positive affirmations and stick them on my mirror and I nearly broke my eye sockets rolling my eyes. The thing that helped was having an appointment with the actual obstetrician who calmly talked me through everything.

It took a while for the love to happen but my 8 month old daughter brings me sheer and utter joy on a daily basis. All you need is boobs/formula, enough nappies and a bottle of gin and you’ll be grand. Have support around you, as much as you can get. And maybe be patient with your DH….his life will change too and he’s probably absolutely terrified too. Try to have a gentle chat and find out what he’s thinking.

Life goes on, you will be you still. Be kind to yourself

@Briloida

I am mixed up with my pregnancy and thinking it's hormones.

I think you don't realize how much responsibility having baby is. It's hard work you just stressed with pregnancy. Certain things you want to do you can't. It is hard.

I have a teenager and did want this baby but feel so stressed with worry. I can't be excited. I have thought about when I leave my job because I may have to.
I kind of loved getting my independence back but feel will lose that and don't want my OH to be solely responsible.

Try talking to someone about this. I think you be okay once your baby is born. It's probably hormones.

I cried my eyes out when l found out l was pregnant- was 34 and also thought it is now or never so made the decision to go through with it.
Until l held the baby, l felt nothing - wasn't excited (not helped by perpetual morning sickness), husband chose the pram/cot etc cos l honestly didn't care - just felt sick at the thought of it.
She is 10 now and all l wish is that l could have had another baby because the whole experience ended up being very positive for me and l couldn't imagine life without her.
I hope this is how you feel OP - is your partner supportive?

Hello, I hope you don’t mind me messaging you direct but I saw your reply about having a third after 15 years and it’s really resonated with me. I am 7 weeks pregnant with our third after 11 years since having our second. I go through big waves of thinking we will be okay but then I go through even bigger waves of thinking what are we doing, how much our lives will change and how much it’s going to change the lives of our older boys (that’s the biggest thing I am worried about, they are my absolute world and I do not want this baby to have any negative impact on them). I just wondered how you are getting on and if you’re all settled into your new life? Would love to hear your thoughts.

Thanks so much.

Look people who tell you they have feelings for an unborn child are talking about baby hormones. You can't love someone you don't know.

BUT - You'll grow to love him in time. When you see him grow every day and develop his own little personality. Might take some time. But that's ok. Infact perhaps better in a way, because you know the feelings are genuine and not just hormones.

But yes I do think too many people have kids without thinking it through. I think the majority of women these days would be sensible NOT to have children. Its not particularly safe (physically or mentally), it restricts your freedoms and it ties too many of us to men we should never want to see again. Generally I think its a fucking shit idea.

And now you realise that too, please be vocal about it to other woman. Help dispel the brainwashing of 'it's what we're supposed to do'.

But realising this now doesn't help you.
So you'll just have to knuckle down. It will get easier...in several years. And on the brightside, it's a new family member. And that's a nice thing. Raise him right and you'll have a friend for life.
And yes there will be very hard times ahead. But joyous times also.

See your gp, they might be able to help with your upset. Take it one day at a time. You'll get through this.

Wondering how it worked out for you. I’m 28 weeks and feel the same

^^ This. You’re not losing yourself, you’re creating a separate human being. Yes, he’ll need you to care for him, but he’ll be his own person and you’ll continue to be your own person.

I will add, look after yourself generously and keep up with the counselling and perhaps later think about the meds.
And in terms of feelings for him when he's born, fake it til you make it. He won't know any different.
Also, they do tend to look like the father in the first few months - survival at play. But that wears off. Agree about them being entirely their own person anyway.

Honestly you’ll be fine. In my NCT group I was the most anxious and nervous about the whole thing. Really worried about sleep and freedom etc whereas so many of the other mums were counting down the days moment they’d waited their whole life for and when baby was here I struggled the least.
I was just so surprised about how much I enjoyed it and how lovely having a small baby was - could take them anywhere, my bar was so low it was all such a pleasant surprise! And the others members of the group had a bit of a shock as they’d had such high expectations of having a baby that it was all a bit harder than they though.
So hopefully you’ll surprise yourself with how much you enjoy it.

It might take time and be careful about post natal depression (get help when you know this is happening) but you will love this baby more than anything you have ever loved even if it takes some time. The whole, the baby is out I love him so much only happened when I had my second baby.

The instinctual love you feel for your child is stronger than any other, it's nature planted. It happened later with my first child and I really struggled but god I love my now 4 year old. Hes very difficult and at times I don't like him but the love never fades.

This is not the case for many. You and others offering assurance don't know how things will ultimately be.

I came across this thread by accident. I am in a very similar mindset now and I would really like to know how it all worked out for you in the end.

The depressing thing is that this is probably very common. People just assuming they are 'meant to' have kids so they think it's what they want.

I'm not gonna bs you or sugar coat things. You provably shouldn't be having a baby. And yes it probably will be awful for a long time. However, in time you'll grow to love the wee fella as the individual person he is. So although the initial choice wasn't wise, it'll likely work out fine in the long run. At least, assuming the dad isn't abusuve (or it'll mean years of continuing to have contact with the arsehole).

Now you know how you feel, please dont join the brigade of women who encourage other women to have babies. Who spout out how, how you're feeling now is 'normal'. It's not normal. It is unfortunately common yes, because we are largely as a society brainwashed into just having kids because it's a 'supposed to'.

These next few months are not going to be pretty. They're going to suck. Hard. But you'll get through it. The next few years may also suck...but there will be good things too and you'll find such a powerful love for your boy to make it all bareable. So no, it's not a good thing. But it's also not the end of the world. And overall in the longrun you'll likely be very glad you had him.

You can get through this.
But I'm not going to pretend it'll be easy.

What crappie advice.

OP said she's always wanted a baby, not that she kind of went along with having a baby because of societal pressure. Try to understand that many women DO actually want babies themselves. They weren't coerced, pressured, etc. But the reality sets in once pregnant as it is a MAJOR life change and it IS perfectly normal to feel terrified and deeply worried about the change. To miss your old life, etc. Of course many women would feel like that. Pregnancy/first few months are massively unsettling. But for many, the pendulum swings eventually and it's a lovely and rewarding experience.

Telling her she shouldn't have a baby when the trigger has already been pulled is wholly unhelpful.

Everyone's experience is their own.

Do you know what? All these fears show how good a mother you will be.

Its the blase "Oh it will be fine!" lot that crash and burn when the reality of parenthood hits, that suffer more. Its almost like they suddenly realise that yes, this kid IS your main focus now, no you cant just pop out a baby and then carry on as before.....they have no forward thought or planning.

You are aware of the reality of becoming a parent. I have 6 and on every single one, including the youngest I got a feeling of "WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE?!" and fear and panic and fear and worry and fear!

Oh and I got gender disappointment with one of mine in particular, didnt mean that I didnt love him more than breathing when he was born!

Wow.

ARe you actually as insane as you seem?!

@Burntouted

You can essentially go back or in similar fashion to your old "carefree" life, if you were to place him up for adoption.

As someone who is adopted, what an utterly ridiculous statement that shows a complete lack of understanding or empathy for birth mothers.