Does a cheater change?

anotherfuture · 2022-08-10T16:52:40+00:00

My DH has been cheating on me on and off for years. We separated for 2years I was lost without him and I took him back. The cycle has started again, we've started therapy but will he actually change? We've been together since kids ..

clickychicky · 10/08/2022 17:56

No

catandcoffee · 10/08/2022 17:56

No

Fairislefandango · 10/08/2022 17:57

Of course not. You have shown him that you will take him back if he cheats, so why would he change?

bluejelly · 10/08/2022 17:59

No. Cut your losses

LadyCampanulaTottington · 10/08/2022 18:06

No. You’ll spend the rest of your life always wondering.

Ihatethenewlook · 10/08/2022 18:07

I was about to say possibly, but your oh is a serial cheater. So no.

Annabananna1 · 10/08/2022 18:08

No. It's very rare they can change. Cheating is a rush, it's addictive. Hard to go back after tasting that thrill.
If he was going to change it would have happened by now.

Marineboy67 · 10/08/2022 18:09

That's a no from me and a no from him!

Soproudoflionesses · 10/08/2022 18:10

I think some do but sadly not in your case OP.

Cocoatheclown · 10/08/2022 18:12

No - cut your losses...

Carrieonmywaywardsun · 10/08/2022 18:13

No, they never do. It's part of their personality. A one off is a mistake, repetitive actions are a choice. Please don't put yourself through it again

InTheCup · 10/08/2022 18:19

No, and why would he - you keep putting up with it and taking him back.

Put this disgusting toad back in the pond. Good relationship don't look like this.

layladomino · 10/08/2022 18:24

I am not in the 'once a cheat always a cheat' camp because some people cheat once because they are immature or in a bad relationship (none of these are excuses of course).

HOWEVER, your DH has cheated repeatedly and over a long period, and lost you over it. And despite knowing how much he hurt you and that he risks losing you again, he has started doing it again. So no, he isn't going to change. Noone should need therapy to stop them cheating on their OH. When you love someone, it's ever so easy not to cheat.

Rowen32 · 10/08/2022 18:25

A one off affair for complex reasons maybe but behaviour like that, it doesn't look good..

strawberry2017 · 10/08/2022 18:26

No a chance

Hira3 · 10/08/2022 18:28

No cut your loses and kick him out.

GreenClock · 10/08/2022 18:38

What’s his incentive to stop having sex with other women? There isn’t one. You’re putting up with it. He does what he wants, therefore.

If you stay with him, take regular STI tests and ask him to at least be discreet. Don’t waste any more money on pointless counselling.

But better still, end the relationship.

HotHeatDays · 10/08/2022 18:40

Nope and many try to justify their affair(s) with many excuses.

TheUniversalsHere · 10/08/2022 18:44

I'm sorry but can I just say I'm fed up of the narrative 'you took him back so why should he change'. The OP, like many of us, presumably loves her husband and believed in her marriage. Why is she at fault for that. He isn't a small child or puppy that needs to learn through reward/ignore/discipline style parenting. He's meant to be a loving partner.

Lozzerbmc · 10/08/2022 19:30

No way sadly. You took him back so he knows it ok to do it. So you will just be waiting for the next time. dont put yourself through the misery.

TheUniversalsHere · 10/08/2022 19:46

Omg another one. No the OP took him back I think because she loves him and believes in marriage. He is completely in the wrong. Not the OP.
You'll be so much better off without him OP, your one precious life should be lived in full and is waiting for you out the other side of all this shit. But never believe you did wrong believing in him. You know now what he really is and can act on that. I really wish you all the best x

TomAllenWife · 10/08/2022 19:51

Yes they can. I did when married, DP did when married

But I'd say no in the same relationship

Aubree17 · 10/08/2022 20:07

No. Give yourself the gift of peace of mind and leave him.

Username0308 · 10/08/2022 22:36

When you say "the cycle had started again", I presume you mean that he's started cheating again?

Regardless, I don't think he will change. I do believe that some cheaters can change but it's usually if it was a one-off and they've truly learnt their lesson and know the cost of their actions.

Someone who continuously cheats for YEARS? Absolutely not. Habits are hard to break. And you'll always be left wondering, doubting, questioning him, questioning yourself. It's not worth the torment. Forget therapy, this issue lies with him. Walk away. You deserve better.

The fact that you've been together since kids does make it harder but I promise you that you will be fine without him. Focus on yourself for a while. You don't need him. As someone who came out from a long-term relationship with my "childhood sweetheart", I know how lost it can make you feel. But that feeling doesn't last forever.

Original poster

anotherfuture · 10/08/2022 22:40

Username0308 · 10/08/2022 22:36

When you say "the cycle had started again", I presume you mean that he's started cheating again?

Regardless, I don't think he will change. I do believe that some cheaters can change but it's usually if it was a one-off and they've truly learnt their lesson and know the cost of their actions.

Someone who continuously cheats for YEARS? Absolutely not. Habits are hard to break. And you'll always be left wondering, doubting, questioning him, questioning yourself. It's not worth the torment. Forget therapy, this issue lies with him. Walk away. You deserve better.

The fact that you've been together since kids does make it harder but I promise you that you will be fine without him. Focus on yourself for a while. You don't need him. As someone who came out from a long-term relationship with my "childhood sweetheart", I know how lost it can make you feel. But that feeling doesn't last forever.

Thank you

OP posts: