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Original poster

Does a cheater change?

55 replies

anotherfuture · 10/08/2022 17:52

My DH has been cheating on me on and off for years. We separated for 2years I was lost without him and I took him back. The cycle has started again, we've started therapy but will he actually change?

We've been together since kids ..

OP posts:
ManAboutTown · 10/08/2022 22:48

He won't change

I've known a wide range of guys - the ones who are faithful generally stay that way unless there are extreme circumstances. The ones who aren't do it over and over again. Even if they seem not to they will if the right opportunity presents itself

ShandaLear · 10/08/2022 22:52

Of course he won’t. He’s gotten away with it before. Why would he change?

Purpleberet · 10/08/2022 22:59

No. If you don’t want to accept it you need to move on. We get one chance at life so if you’re not happy don’t waste your time.

StarDolphins · 10/08/2022 23:03

No I don’t think do - plus, I’m a big believer if you take a cheat back, they do it again as you’ve already shown willingness to forgive so they think ‘she’ll take me back’. Then they do ir again. I’ve seen friends forgive 2/3/4 affairs to finally realise years later & by the time they finally leave, they’re broken & have wasted many years.

MsDogLady · 10/08/2022 23:34

I am sorry, anotherfuture. Even after a 2 year separation, he threw his new chance back in your face. He has once again proven that illicit sex/ego massages mean more to him than honesty, fidelity, and your well-being.

You’ll never have a safe relationship or peace of mind with this serial cheat. Flowers

Dery · 11/08/2022 03:16

It’s very difficult, OP, when you’ve been together from a very young age but, unless you’re willing to tolerate repeated infidelity, you may be better off learning to live without him.

MegaClutterSlut · 11/08/2022 10:34

I think it would be a miracle if a serial cheat managed to stop cheating. Even if he managed not to cheat for the rest of your remaining lives which is highly doubtful, you are forever going to be checking up on him trying to catch him out and that's no way to live. You deserve someone who you are more than enough for

Spohn · 11/08/2022 10:46

There are almost 8 billion other humans out there. Just because you’ve thrown away years of your life on this loser doesn’t mean you have to waste more of your life. This man has consistently treated you like a total mug for years. Respect yourself. Don’t allow anyone to treat you like you’re worthless again, don’t believe a word that a proven liar says. No point in arguing, just start the divorce and enjoy life. Have you been regularly tested for STDs in your years with this scumbag?

DrMorbius · 11/08/2022 10:51

Yes absolutely a cheater can change. Just like an alcoholic or drug taker can change. The first requirement though is they must want to change. Sadly Op your DP doesn't want to change for you.

Spohn · 11/08/2022 11:06

Also, reframe your thinking. Who cares if this low quality male will change? You should value yourself more, to not tolerate being made a mug of.

mistermagpie · 11/08/2022 11:56

I honestly don't think they can change within the same relationship. Once that line has been crossed for them then it's crossed forever and I think that's a big part of it.

I say this as someone who cheated on my first husband. I cheated on him with my second husband, it wasn't a long term affair, about three weeks after the cheating started I left my husband. I have now been married to the second husband for many many times longer than my first marriage lasted and we have children. I'm not saying this to excuse anything, it's just context. The context being that I have never cheated on my second husband, never even thought about it, never been tempted, never wanted to, just wouldn't. I know it. I wouldn't ever do it again.

Honestly, had I stayed with my first husband I expect I would have either continued the affair or even cheated again. The reasons for cheating were all still there. As they are with your husband. He's got away with it multiple times, there is no need for him to change.

Bunty55 · 11/08/2022 11:58

No, and while he is cheating on you he is stopping you from having a happy life, so he is a thief as well

TinaTeaspoons · 11/08/2022 11:59

My aunts partner cheated on previous partners. However, he learnt from it all and him and my aunt seem blissfully happy.

Original poster
anotherfuture · 11/08/2022 12:02

mistermagpie · 11/08/2022 11:56

I honestly don't think they can change within the same relationship. Once that line has been crossed for them then it's crossed forever and I think that's a big part of it.

I say this as someone who cheated on my first husband. I cheated on him with my second husband, it wasn't a long term affair, about three weeks after the cheating started I left my husband. I have now been married to the second husband for many many times longer than my first marriage lasted and we have children. I'm not saying this to excuse anything, it's just context. The context being that I have never cheated on my second husband, never even thought about it, never been tempted, never wanted to, just wouldn't. I know it. I wouldn't ever do it again.

Honestly, had I stayed with my first husband I expect I would have either continued the affair or even cheated again. The reasons for cheating were all still there. As they are with your husband. He's got away with it multiple times, there is no need for him to change.

This makes a lot of sense, thank you!

OP posts:
CrispsnDips · 11/08/2022 21:30

I spent eight years with a serial cheater and had a daughter with him…came to my senses eventually ! 25 years later, with the same partner since we split, and he’s still the same!

belle40 · 11/08/2022 21:52

No. I'm afraid that you have shown him what you will tolerate. People like this never change.

Bellyups · 11/08/2022 21:56

Why would he stop cheating? You can’t live without him and will take him back. You’ve set the standard. Why would he just have sex with you when it’s ok to have sex with lots of people? If you find out, you’ll throw your toys off of the pram and then take him back. He knows this.

DocEmmitBrown · 17/08/2022 18:59

A cheater may claim to have changed but even if this true you can never trust them again. I’ve always been 100% faithful but have found every woman I’ve ever met is a cheater. I trust no woman because of that. Cheating is a choice not a mistake. Getting caught is the only mistake they ever made. It is said that if you can cheat on your partner and go home kiss them and tell them you love them then your the lowest form of human being to exist. I believe once a cheat always a cheat .

PeekAtYou · 17/08/2022 19:01

I know people who have cheated but been loyal to their next partner but ofc a serial cheat won't stop. Why would they when they are forgiven so
easily ?

DocEmmitBrown · 17/08/2022 19:08

I know exactly what your saying. The really bad thing is that through out their cheating they know how much hurt they building up to dump on you and they don’t care and respect you 0% . Extremely selfish narcissistic people.

JaneP1964 · 26/08/2022 14:05

Please don't waste any more of your time on him. My stbx is a serial cheat. Sadly they never change. Once is a mistake, twice is a choice!

FartSock5000 · 26/08/2022 14:42

The thing is, OP, people grow and evolve. The person you were in your teens or twenties isn't the person you are now. The same goes for your partner.

He has cheated on you throughout your relationship. That is who he is. He won't ever change because the desire to be a better person just isn't there.

Meanwhile, the person you have become as a result of this is likely to be less than who you could be if you were with someone who loved and respected you.

End it for good. Cut all contact and focus on rebuilding yourself as a whole person who is independent, self reliant with boundaries and self esteem intact.

You'll then be ready to accept the love you really deserve from someone else and you'll find happiness at long last.

bloodyplanes · 26/08/2022 14:42

No he won't ever change

OopsAnotherOne · 26/08/2022 14:50

No, he won't change OP, I'm sorry

5128gap · 26/08/2022 15:17

Sometimes. When they become too unattractive to have the opportunity, or too old to be bothered. Or if they meet someone they are sufficiently scared of losing not to risk it.
This is only speculation mind you, as there's no way I'd stay around long enough to find out. And nor should you. You deserve so much better, and could hardly do worse.