Anyone else’s partner do this

[Emmasumm]

So my boyfriend lives at my house. Does anyone else’s partner say they are going for “one quick drink” and it never is that it ends up being hours and sometimes he doesn’t even let me know. It’s not often he goes out but it’s causing major anxiety.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

what sort of parental example were you shown?

Why have you chosen these. ( what have turned out to be unsuitable men ) to be in a relationship with?. Why is your relationship bar so low? Is this from this man now all you think you deserve?

You will continue to have no luck with men if you continue a relationship with this man now. Your boundaries, already far too low due to prior poor relationship experiences, are being further got at by this person now. He really does see you as a soft touch.

Been married 42 years, my husband has never done that. He goes to the pub about once a month to see his mates, and has 1 beer because he drives there. If you don't like it, turf him out

As you've asked that in OP's case, and I don't think anyone else has. I'd like to ask your opinion on a set up I know of. The woman has her own flat (rents) I think after certain things that have happened in her past, it's not a bad thing to be independent. But from what I know the bf only had or had a room somewhere, so used to go around a lot, but the woman always claimed she doesn't ask him for rent as he didn't 'live with her' but I also hoped that she was at least getting something towards bills and food etc. They both have kids from previous and now one together. The bf now well practically lives at her place. I just feel as women it's great to be independent, but then that is over shadowed if you have a man relying on you. I get it for several reasons one might already have a place and however it unfolds, the other stays over or eventually becomes pretty much an unofficial tenant there.
I just find it wrong that if a bloke had anything about himself he would do things a bit better than that. Because I am sure he doesn't contribute a huge amount. And even prior to this he used the place to have somewhere for his kids to come to. Which up until then he didn't have somewhere suitable.

I have one child from a previous relationship he is seven

You've got a child.

Don't bring a man with red flags galore anywhere near that child's orbit.

He deserves a happy, healthy mum who isn't being smothered by a manipulative eejit.

Throw this one back OP, seriously.

My dad used to take the piss out of my mum in a similar way when it came to alcohol. In those days she used to ring the pub and say his tea was ready 😂. I think my bar is quite low and I keep hanging on because I love them but I heard the phrase how they treat you is more important than how you feel about them and I think it’s right. I feel like I rush into relationships aswell. This time I tried to take my time but things just picked up speed. I just think of the shoe was on the other foot he would go off it

He’s incredible with my son and has not done this on times where my son is with me and not having his contact time with his father.

i wouldn’t say he has red flags galore I’m not perfect myself. I think it’s this one red flag I’m weighing up

Simple questions OP:

1. Does he bring out the absolutely best in you?

1. If nothing changed (because it won't) would you be genuinely happy living with this for 20/30/40+ more years?

1. Do you want your son to grow up thinking it's normal for men to go out for a pint and disappear for a day or two? He might not see it now but at some point he'll be exposed

1. Do you put your life on hold in case he might be available, then end up waiting for him only for him to not appear?

1. What would your boyfriend think of you going for 'one drink' then going off radar for a day or two? He'd be ok with that would he?

He’s incredible with my son

How is he incredible? He is costing you money that would be better spent on your child

Oh shit I just read your questions and the outcome is not good. They were some excellent questions and has defo made me think a lot more about my relationship. I can honestly say I can’t answer any of those questions positively. It seems pretty glaringly obvious this person is not for me.

He also spends a lot of money on my son

I think it’s this one red flag

Red flag 1: He goes out on two day benders.
Red flag 2: He doesn't let you know where he is or that he's staying out.
Red flag 3: He 'gets in trouble'
Red flag 4: He effectively lives at your house but doesn't contribute to bills (or housework either, I bet).

He sounds like bad news.

I grew up with a dad who did this. Never would I have settled down with someone who did.

Oh shit I just read your questions and the outcome is not good. They were some excellent questions and has defo made me think a lot more about my relationship. I can honestly say I can’t answer any of those questions positively. It seems pretty glaringly obvious this person is not for me.

I'm glad OP. It's easier sometimes when someone objective from outside asks us questions in a matter of fact way.

Another important question: How long have you been together and how long has he lived (or been staying majority of nights) in the home you share with your son?

He got himself into some real trouble at the weekend also I won’t go into what but it gave him a shock

Does this involve either violence and / or the police? If so, again think about what that means for your son. This guy might buy him presents or spend money on days out with him but if he's a shit role model then none of that matters.

Depends how often this is happening?

My husband does this a few times a year, mainly because he dosnt know if he will stay for a few, get bored and come home, or if he fancy's staying out.

He will usually text at about 10pm and say don't wait up and then roll in at 2am.
I just the leave the key in our sneaky place and say enjoy your night.

If this was often I would be annoyed but otherwise couple of times a year I tolerate it. It's annoying but if he said I'm gunna be out all night would you be annoyed?

I would have conversation with him (sober) and say you don't mind him going out but expect a answer on his intentions for the night by X time.
Also if he has his own place I would be saying anything after 10pm he stays at his own house that night.

Your husband does this a few times a year and is 3-4 hours later than he said he would be.

OP's partner is doing it every month and says: I should also add that it generally turns into a two day session when he goes out I think cause I’ve got pissed off he thinks fuck it she’s already annoyed

And also that his friend are 'trouble' and he's got in seriously trouble due to them recently, which sounds police / drug related.

I think it's next level compared to your husband.

We’ve been together for two years and he’s been at mine for a year and a half

The trouble he was in all I can say is it’s not a role model for my son

@wellhelloitsme sorry I didn't read all the updates. Totally agree

OP I have done a 180 on my response. He's taking the absolute piss out of you and dosnt respect you. If you did these things what would he say?
Also two day benders?? I'm assuming drugs are involved.
I couldn't be with someone like that.

When you put it like this there is more than one red flag 🫣. I’m so thankful people have replied on this post as it’s helped me to look at things objectively which is sometimes hard to do when you are in the middle of it

That’s enough reason. You cannot have a ling term relationship with a man who cannot be a role model to your child.

Far too many problems for me to even consider having this man in my child's life.

He's sponging off you, disappearing whenever it suits, not having the courtesy to even send a quick text. It's plain rude.

Personally I'd be getting rid but if you don't want to, then at least put measures in to look after yourself. If it's a weekend he's going out, he stays at his and then your weekend is yours to do as you want too.

I want to say a big Thankyou to everyone who has responded. I haven’t quite managed to reply to everyone but I am so so grateful. I can see things way more clearly now and quite frankly not going to put up with this relationship any longer. Wish me luck ❤️

My ex used to do this all the time and would switch his phone off so l couldn't contact him.

So l did it back to him and he went mad not knowing where l was. He understood my point after that

Easy though cos we didn't have kids.

If anything it makes me anxious to ensure I get things right. I lose things and forget things and am often late for things but not by very long. I always keep people updated.